Recovering coke head that just wants to die

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Bee, May 11, 2016.

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  1. Bee

    Bee Active Member

    Well this is my first post and I'm kind of frantic right now all day I can't make myself smile or get up I just want to die. I even looked up different ways to kill myself before I got sense in me and found this site.
    It all began when my soon to be ex husband got so emotionally abusive it caused me to go on a three month coke bender. I got clean and I found someone to help get me out just so happens that someone is a guy. To complicate things I have a 4 year old son mixed up in all of this. Even though I have stayed clean for 6mo now my family still chooses my ex over me and they all are doing everything in their power to take him away.... My craving for coke got so bad I had to move out of town two hours with the guy that helped get me out of my abusive marriage and helped get me clean if I stayed ik I would've relapsed again.... But now I will probably lose my son and I have lost all will to live I just want to die it hurts every day he is not with me and I'm scared that I can't handle this custody fight I'm just beginning
    I just wanted to stay clean and be a good mom and I couldn't do that being abused and in the same area ppl are constantly trying to push coke on me.....its not fair
     
  2. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hi Bee, I'm sorry that you're in this situation drugs have ruined many lives. Great stuff on being clean 6mnths, that's a real accomplishment. Are you doing any follow up work on your addiction, counselling, narcotics anonymous anything that will help you maintain your sobriety? Also, you say everyone is pushing coke on you, I'd have to question the company you're keeping and suggest you change friends. Unfortunately(and I know you love your son) the custody court are going to look at all these things and their decision will be based on the safest and most stable environment for your son. Would you agree? Now, if you could show that you are actively working on rehabilitation it would be a tremendous help and give you some credibility. Please don't take this wrong or be offended,it's not meant like that. But can you provide a safe and stable environment for your son? Keep working on that sobriety Bee, I believe you can make it.
    Brian
     
    Bee likes this.
  3. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Hi and welcome to the forum @Bee . Firstly, I'm happy you found this forum and I really hope you find some support on this forum and chat rooms.

    And kudos on getting clean! And realizing you were in an emotionally abusive relation, you have done a lot of right things. I'm proud of you for all that you've done!
    Have you considered counseling to work through your feelings and what has happened to you? One thing is staying clean, another is maintaining your mental health, and it sounds like you are under a lot of stress.

    Please try to stay strong, and again, be proud of what you have achieved already!!
     
  4. Bee

    Bee Active Member

    I just don't know how I can afford it I'm scrapping pennies the way it is and can barely afford food when my Lil boy is with me. I'm still learning new resources in the new town I'm in I just moved a couple of weeks ago. I'm sure I'll find something and figure it out like I always do but in the mean time I'm scared of what could happen once my bf bc I start work this week he'll b on overnights and that's usually when its the worst for me bc I can't keep myself busy
     
  5. Bee

    Bee Active Member

    Yes I have actually moved two hours away to get away from all the people who pushed it on me... Which is where the problem is bc I moved away I will most likely lose custody of my son even though the place I'm in is so much cleaner and nicer and I'm actively in NA and going to be working a steady job but my ex and my family are doing everything in their power to make sure I only get him twice a month
     
    Brian777 likes this.
  6. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    That's great Bee, I'm glad your doing what you're doing. You need a record of your active recovery to show the court system that you're on track. I didn't mean to sound blunt Bee, I just know that they look at all those things in custody descisions. It's a tough road, but you can do it and you will come through this stronger than ever before. I'm sorry that your family has turned away from you, but this too can change in time, do not give up hope. I'm also glad you're on this site, the people here will support and encourage you. If you need to talk, message me on site. Stay strong and you will come through this.
    Brian
     
  7. Bee

    Bee Active Member

    Thank you so much I appreciate your support it means so much
     
    Brian777 likes this.
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