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Recovering from suicidal thoughts and behaviors without support

#1
Hi,

Sorry for the long post. If anyone actually reads all of this, then thank you.

I've talked to another member here, but am finally going to just take the courage to post here today. Maybe I can get some feedback on my situation, or have people have people tell me I'm being irrational, or something.

For context, I am 28/F and I live in the US. Last year, I was accepted to graduate school, and it has been nothing short of a nightmare so far. I have been particularly isolated and stuck, living in a new state where I have no connections or support during the COVID pandemic. I don't have a good relationship with my mother (who is my only parent that is still alive). She is emotionally unavailable. We maybe talk once every 2-3 months. I have two siblings who I don't talk to. One of my siblings is an addict, and the other does not take an active involvement in my life.

I struggle with PTSD from an experience overseas that makes it very hard to adjust to new environments. I would consider myself to be anxious and avoidant when it comes to being around other people who I am not familiar with.

I began to fall into the darkest place of my life (and I am still in the throws of it) since August 2020. I was in a vulnerable place when my friend's girlfriend decided to commit suicide in early September. When he came to me for support, he showed me their text exchanges to help me understand the situation. I noticed an abbreviation in one of her texts that I did not understand (the abbreviation for a certain substance), and I felt stupid that I didn't know what she was saying, so I Googled it...instead of just asking him what it meant. When I couldn't find anything on the search result, I Googled the abbreviation for the substance + suicide. The search query brought me to the other forum as the first hit on Google.

Being brought to the forum initially scared me very much, and I had a very bad feeling about everything I was seeing.

The more I was talking to my friend and trying to support him, and I have been struggling so much with my own isolation and lack of support, I started to get curious about the other forum that the Google search led me to by reading their texts. I eventually got to the point where I was not lurking, and I made an account on that said forum.

I continued to talk to my friend every day, trying to support him, trying to convince him to keep fighting alongside me. I really wanted him to keep fighting because honestly he was the only friend in my life at that point.

Eventually, I was browsing the forum frequently, spending hours on it every day. On September 21, my friend had stopped responding to my messages and calls which I knew was a huge red flag. Up to that point, I'd been texting him every few hours or so to just check in or chat for a little bit. I tried to not worry about it, but after a couple of days, I couldn't take it anymore so I called the police. He had committed suicide on September 21, in the morning.

I ended up getting in contact with his sister and I attended his service a week or so later. I was the only friend at his funeral. Seeing my friend's body, which didn't even resemble him in the slightest, was the most upsetting and disturbing thing I have ever seen in my life.

His sister showed me his phone and the other forum was opened on it on a tab, as well as a few other disturbing images that he had taken. I knew that he was suicidal since his girlfriend passed, but I had no idea that he was browsing the other forum, so this had really scared me. I feel so seriously that I could have easily ended up in his position if I didn't see that reality.

With this events, and the amount of isolation, stress of graduate school and world events, as well as the lack of support, I am really having trouble refraining from suicidal thoughts and behaviors. Namely, I am finding it difficult to not want to lurk the other forum. I also wake up and go to bed with extremely suicidal thoughts, which is very upsetting. I remember when I was in a place where I was not like this, when I passively thought about suicide when I was really going through a rough spot. But now it seems to occupy such a large space in my mind and my life.

I've voiced my concerns to my social worker, enough so that she knows what is going on, but not enough so that she feels compelled to commit me to a psych ward. I don't think I want to die at all.

I'm not sure what I'm asking here, or maybe I just want to post about my story about why I've come to this forum, maybe ask for some prayers or good vibes, idk. I just hope that I can heal from this terrible situation and hopefully be in a better place in my life some day. I am so overwhelmed by grief that suicide is thought of as the answer, but at the same time, feel so hopeless. It's a weird place to be.
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#2
Hi, first off, welcome... And, I'm very sorry for you loss--of what you feel is your only friend in your life. That is a very sad story, indeed. If it is any consolation, I am sure that he was happy to have had a friend as loyal, and as trustworthy - that is to say, "good to him" in the end (I know that's what I'd want in his shoes). Now, if I can fast forward, or jump to something you'd said near the end, the whole "I don't want to die~" And I think that is precisely why it is a great idea, or thing in my opinion, if you wish to participate in a forum of said topic, that this, or because this is one that is so positive. Or as postitive and uplifting, as one can be under these headings, contexts & circumstances. Truth be told, I've never really explored any of the others out there, so I can't really comment on any of them - in terms of their validity & whatnot. But I do know that some exist, which are not so good, when one's survival and best interests are perhaps in mind, just going or based off what some others on here have occasionally referenced.

I think that it is great that you are heading to a graduate school. That is a wonderful thing to have to look forward to! It is one epically good reason to stay amongst us in the 'Land of The Living," in my opinion. I know times are tough, but they are too for everyone. Just remember, there is an end in sight (sort of). A finish line. And so what you've had to endure so far, although a challenge to say the least, at least with more current climates in the world and things... hopefully one day in the not too distant future, that can all change. Enough to change the status quo in our (daily) lives for now.

I'm glad you're keeping in touch with your social worker. Do you have any other professional support systems in place? Such as a psychologist, or psychiatrist?

Here you will find a neverending supply of good people who are willing to help you through most anything you may encounter, within reason of course. We're not professionals, but as you say, without a good relationship with family members, or many other close friends with whom you can confide in, and trust. You could do far worse than hang here for a bit, from time to time, in my mind. Provided that this is the sort of thing you're interested in & looking for (of course!).

I'm sorry to hear of your bad/negative/traumatic experience overseas. That could, in part, I suppose explain a lot of things with which you go on to say or state, in terms or regards your more current troubles and obstacles faced in life. I hope you can find something good here. Something you're looking for. And hopefully find some good things to help replace some of the bad, you're currently faced with. If for no better reason, than to help balance out some of the equation in your life right now. Take care! : )
 
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Lane

SF Supporter
#3
I'm very sorry for the loss of your friend. You and he have been through a lot. I admire the support that you gave him during his struggle.

What struck me while reading your story was the lack of support from your family. I dont want to dwell on the negative, but want to say that we cant help "the cards we are dealt". You sound like a bright, intuitive young lady. I'm glad that you have found THIS forum.

It is positive and we support one another. So, welcome and I hope that you can browse the various sections when you feel comfortable. Very nice to meet you and thank you for sharing your story. Also, please PM me if you ever need to talk. Lane
 

Jane65

Well-Known Member
#4
Hi
I found the other forum first and felt drawn in to the point it became quite an obsession. I havent worked out why it became so addictive but maybe it had a lot to do with feeding my need for an instant cure for my emotional pain?

It certainly wasn't a helpful place for me and I am so pleased you have now found this forum. To begin with I jumped between the two but I soon discovered I felt less distressed after spending some time hear whilst I frequently felt worse when I had spent time at the other place.

You have been very brave to share your story. You have been through so much.

I hope that by sticking around in this lovely warm and friendly space you will find relief and support.

I'm thinking of you and sending a gentle virtual hug if you would like one.
Jane x
 

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