Recovery and still fighting!!!!

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by ~Eve~, Mar 6, 2012.

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  1. ~Eve~

    ~Eve~ New Member

    I have not been on this site for more than 5 years! When I was in high school I hit a point in my life where I felt so dead inside. I felt like the only way that I could feel, or handle stress was to cut. For 3 years that was my stress reliever, my self medication. When I finally stopped it was hard, it was so hard! The cravings came and went depending on my moods. I had to relearn how to handle my emotions, channeling them into something more positive, and that meant confronting my triggers and recognizing them.

    I hoped that one day that all those days of cutting, and the cravings, the moods would stop. And for a while they did, but there are times that I crave and crave, and that's all I think about. Today is one of those days. My biggest trigger was and still is stress. I am a senior biomedical science major and my classes constantly put pressure one me to the point where all I want is to cut. Today a test I studied very hard for went terrible, and for the first time in 5 years I almost and still want to cut myself. For some reason the thought came to mind that because I did so bad on my test that I deserve it, its my punishment.

    But I know with all of my being that cutting myself will not solve anything! It's not going to make my test grade better, its not going to make me feel better, and after struggling this far I remember why I stopped. No matter how deep or how much, it never solved anything, I still felt like I was just going though the motions of living. Today 5 years after stopping I don't ever wish that I was still cutting. When I feel like crap I talk to the people around, I scream, I cry, I play my music so loud that I can't hear the cravings.

    I just keep moving forward, day by day, the struggle doesn't end but it gets easier. This is for you those who are recovering or still struggling to stop, I'm still there right beside you. Let's keep moving forward.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Welcome back and it is so good that you are caring better for yourself. Is there a school counselor that you can talk to? I know for me, finding my voice and being able to express what I was feeling helped me walk away from SH...please know that it is a difficult struggle, but it can be a little easier if you find people who understand. Please keep posting as there are so many of us here who do understand
  3. daisyhope

    daisyhope Active Member

    wow, that you posting this. its really encouraging :)
  4. blackfire

    blackfire Well-Known Member

    thank you for your post. it gives me hope that others are in similar places of life.
  5. grinded serenity

    grinded serenity Well-Known Member

    I can't help but feel I'm in the same boat. It's been about nearly 3 years of cutting for me, and even though I haven't in a long time (I think christmas was the last time?). But naturally, since the semester is coming to a wind down, so are my classes. Unfortunately, this means compounded stress and sleep deprivation. I'm catching myself wanting to cut, wanting to pick up any sharp object I can get my hands on and just going until I don't need to.

    Fucking art school. This work load is ridiculous for such an inapplicable major.
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