Recovery Process

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by WhyMeWhy, Oct 3, 2007.

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  1. WhyMeWhy

    WhyMeWhy Well-Known Member

    Why is recovering so very difficult? And why do I still live? I found a drug not funny....I still want. I still crave. I still need. This drug would make everything better.....or it seems that way to me. I'm truly addicted pschologically.....I'd jump at the chance to get some! It's been years, so many years and I still want it. I know it's no good for me. I know more things about it than I ever did. It's gonna drive me to the extremety of killing myself if I let it. Back when I used it way too much I didn't feel this way when I went w/ out it. But now.........I'm dying w/ out it. Funny, my city is a chemical lab & I still can't get it! Only offers on the street I've had were pot or crack. WRONG ONE(S). Right now I want to break everything in my house, tear it all to peices, let everything be smashed by the level/power of my addiction. Kill this pc as well. Everything I have that could be sold is useless w/ out a connection. This is hell, I have only myself to blame I guess.....I could kill me for doing this to myself the nightmare NEVER ENDS. I'm trapped in the grip of something stronger than me, stronger than I could ever be........:eek:hmy:
     
  2. jcat

    jcat Staff Alumni

    it takes time to recover. trust me on this one. i've been battling this thing called addiction for years. i know the feeling of being trapped. if you ever want to talk pm me and we can talk more.
    have you ever heard of narcotics anonymous?
    http://na.org
     
  3. rwillson

    rwillson Well-Known Member

    call your local NA central office, find a meeting, go to it, chances are they will offer to pick you up, meet someone, meet others, get phone numbers, use them when things are bad. then... go to another meeting... repeat process as often as possible...

    i know it SUX!!! I personally hate it myself and don't go as often as i should, but it works...

    r...
     
  4. WhyMeWhy

    WhyMeWhy Well-Known Member

    I listen to their stories and I want more than ever. I even read the book Beam Me Up Scotty. He traded one addiction for another, an even worse one, imo. I won't go into it.... major trigger. You can go find the book, but I don't know the author's name. Anyway, I feel the level of craving differ day-by-day. I even had the chance to use recently...for free but made up an excuse not to. I think it's the legal issue that stopped me most. I'm not going to jail. I use legal pills though.... but not everyday. It's crazy that I got so addicted to the illegal one though. When I'm legally high I still want... good thing it's not around anymore... I got addicted because the first time it felt so good. It's hard to find good stuff here. I've had the stuff that makes you so sick you don't want anymore. :puke:
     
  5. rwillson

    rwillson Well-Known Member

    in the beginning those meetings used to trigger the hell out of me, i eventually had search for ones where people didn't talk about the using itself (they are really not to speak about it anyway, if they want to romance their drugs i wish they would do it else where). for me it took the right meetings and therapy. it was never easy, my own personal beliefs are incongruent with most the beliefs of 12-step groups. i think the steps are BS and the idea of being "happy joyous and free" is a myth, and don't get me started on the higher power crap...

    as far as the meetings went, i found ones where people talked about their every day life and how they coped, i never gave a damn what they used, how they used and how bad it got. i didn't want to hear about that was, "I used and it sucked", on with the show "what are you doing now". as i said it wasn't easy, i have ben banned from meetings (one little fist fight and suddenly you are a pariah), i get pissed off at them all the time and i say so...

    saying that about meetings, i must say therapy has helped me the most, it was through therapy i learned why i was using and was able to get to the issues underneath, and that was what most important (i am bipolar and borderline) once that was done the desire (for me was dealt with although not lifted). there was no spiritual awakening, it was just understanding and that made it easier (one of the reasons i don't buy into the steps and the higher power bit, you gotta make things happen for yourself, you can still be powerless over something, but taking the right action which is most important, doing the work, is an action of ones own doing)...

    i don't know if i have helped, i am describing my side of the street, it's not great where i am standing and i still have a lot of work to do, but i don't feel the need to use anymore...

    r...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 11, 2007
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