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Recovery - to what?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Tibbles, Dec 31, 2012.

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  1. Tibbles

    Tibbles Member

    Brief biography just to give a clear picture for accurate assessment.

    I was sent to boarding school at the age of 8. My father was having an affair, and my parents decided they'd sort their marriage out without the kids around. The first few nights I was there, sexual activity occurred that was known but ignored, and I spent most of the time crying my eyes out wondering why I couldn't go home. Which made me a target for bullying.

    Made it through school ok until I went to the senior school. Puberty changed things, and suddenly nobody wanted to be seen with me. I figured if I kept to myself people would leave me alone, but that just seemed to make it worse. I was consistently ridiculed and told that I was hated. Gave up hope at the end and left school with bad grades.

    Then I turned to drugs and alcohol. Managed fine for about 6 months, then I had a nervous breakdown. I was having severe panic attacks most of the day, and I was so depressed I could barely get out of bed. Was prescribed citalopram, and things picked up.

    Went to university, and things were ok up until my second year. Then I had a psychotic episode that I never really recovered from. Was prescribed olanzapine, and things started to piece back together. Only this time something had changed, and I realized I wanted to kill myself. Since then (about 4 years ago), I've thought about suicide every day. The olanzapine also made me gain 4 stone which I've never been able to shift, and so now I'm an overweight head-case. Which has crippled my self-confidence and resulted in almost total isolation. I'm still a virgin, and do not feel that will ever change. Not that it would make much difference if it did, but it just makes me feel totally unwanted.

    About 8 months ago I had another episode, and the medication stopped working. I have been living in mental hell, and despite changes to my medication, nothing has really changed.

    Whereas before I thought about suicide as a possible escape plan, now I find myself wondering if I'll still be alive after the weekend.

    I live alone. I hate my job. I find no joy at all in life. And I'm totally ******* sick of it.

    I've been told things will pick up, but to what end? To live a life as a poorly medicated fatso, with no ambitions in life or sources of pleasure?

    Please, tell me, what possible reason is there to continue?
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Oh hun i hear you hun the thing is there are medication that you can take for psychotic episodes hun that do not increase your weight and help you to lose weight New medication zeldox is one of them You really need to get your doctor to hear you ok it takes a while but tell your doctor you want on the new medication I am sorry you are feeling so down hun and i do believe with the right medication you can get feeling better You are intelligent and with right supports right therapy the right meds you can be YOU again. You can go on and become what you chose ok. Many professionals hun suffer from mental illness but with right medication and therapy they can and do live productive lives and so can you hugs
  3. Tibbles

    Tibbles Member

    Thank-you. That meant a great deal to me.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I do hope hun your pdoc listens there are meds that can help i know someone who had to fight awhile to get her doctor to listen and finally doc did and she has lost all her weight now and is going back to college hun I hope you get the doc to listen hugs
  5. Tibbles

    Tibbles Member

    Thanks. I'm seeing the psychiatrist on Friday. Maybe this time he'll actually give me something that works. Here's hoping anyway.
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