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"Recovery"

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**BeautyIsThin**

#1
#1
Since I am supposedly supposed to be in recovery I guess I had better post in this section instead of the ED one. Although I don't really want to be in recovery right now I don't have a choice because I'm watched like a hawk. In the clinic they wouldn't let me know my weight, which was heartbraking and scary and awful and just plain distressing. They made me gain 20lbs so I am 105lbs now, which I haven't been for months. That was my goal weight to get out of the clinic although I didn't know it. That was the goal weight they set for me so it wasn't actually MINE but they don't care about that. I'm supposed to gain another 10-15 pounds and I go for "therapy" four times a week, which I hate. I know to most people 105 isn't fat but to me.....well, it is. I wasn't very well, physically, when I was admitted. I guess I can admit that now and that maybe I went a litte too far. I should have maintained at 90lbs but that was my mistake. I don't know what I want anymore. I'm sick of being so obssessed with food and calories and fat and my body. But I'm also petrified of gaining weight and losing my control. I'm stuck right now and I don't know which way to go. I feel guilty when I eat and I hate myself. But I feel guilty when I try to get out of eating or I secretly work out in my bedroom at night because I'm being deceitful. Instead of gaining I'm losing. But really slowly. I don't want ana to grab me and pull me any deeper like before but I don't want her to let completely go either. I really am stuck.
 
A

Allo..

Well-Known Member
#2
#2
Please try and get better, look inside yourself. I know how it feels to be on the outside of those people are obsesed with weight, and you have no idea how much it hurts.. please take care and goodluck, ALly x
 
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**BeautyIsThin**

#3
#3
I have an idea of how much it hurts. Probably a fraction of what its like to be a part of it. Trying is all very well. Doesn't everyone here TRY to be better? I Ngained 20lbs....isn't that enough trying? I can't gain anymore. I just can't.
 
Marshmallow

Marshmallow

Staff Alumni
#4
#4
Hun you know what i think, i told you before you went into recovery and im still here for you when you need me okay? please remember that

vikki xxxx :hug:
 
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**BeautyIsThin**

#5
#5
So, I have to go in the clinic again. I lost half of what they made me gain so they think I've relapsed. I don't think I have. I think I'm just getting back my control. But whatever. They don't listen.
 
S

Supreme Loser

Member
#6
#6
**BeautyIsThin** said:
I don't know what I want anymore.

I'm sick of being so obssessed with food and calories and fat and my body.

But I'm also petrified of gaining weight and losing my control.

I feel guilty when I eat and I hate myself.
Click to expand...
Hi BeautyIsThin,
While I can't possibly know what your going through, perhaps you could find some other aspect (within your life) to control. I have a few questions for you. Perhaps, I could provide some meaningful words if you were to answer them.

1. What do you fear will happen if you lose control of your weight?
2. Do you hate your appearance even when you are really thin?
3. Could it be that there is some other factor that's bothering you (manifesting itself with food)? Something that you can't control? If so, what?
4. Has anyone ever called you chubby, pudgy or fat? If so, how did that make you feel?
5. Is there someone (or more than one person) who are currently overweight (in your life)? If so, do you fear looking like them?

From the little I've read on this subject, there are many possible reasons for this behavior. However, it is usually all related to a low self-esteem. There is usually an external issue (outside of food) that is causing the person to feel he or she must control something to maintain his or her sanity.

I hope to hear from you,
Supreme Loser
 
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**BeautyIsThin**

#7
#7
1. What do you fear will happen if you lose control of your weight?

I will get too fat. I will look and feel disgusting. I will hate myself even more for having no willpower whatsoever and for giving in to these rediculous urges. People will look at me in disgust and laugh at me.

2. Do you hate your appearance even when you are really thin?

I don't particularly like my appearance whatever but I despise myself when I am fat. I've never felt that I'm thin so I don't know what I would think. I've always thought I was fat.

3. Could it be that there is some other factor that's bothering you (manifesting itself with food)? Something that you can't control? If so, what?

I don't know. Maybe.

4. Has anyone ever called you chubby, pudgy or fat? If so, how did that make you feel?

I got called fat when I was out running once. I didn't eat anything for a week afterwards. Being called that made me feel weak and disgusting.

5. Is there someone (or more than one person) who are currently overweight (in your life)? If so, do you fear looking like them? Not really in my life but I have reverse thinspiration pictures in a book I made of really really obese people that make me never want to eat again.
 
R

resistance

Staff Alumni
#8
#8
Congrats on gaining the 20lbs, it must be really difficult for you but it is really good. At the end of the day I think clinics do consider the best weight for YOU, even though you may not realise it. I think going back into the clinic would be a good idea and down the line, you will be thankful for it, and you should try to learn to love your body. When people have eating disorders, or see their body image in a negative light many a time other peoples see it in another, in the RIGHT perspective and can see the beauty.

Like I said in the last post in the other thread, I don't know much about eating disorders, so I'm sorry if I'm not much help. Take care of yourself.
 
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B

**BeautyIsThin**

#9
#9
I'm not going back to the clinic. They can eff off.
Ana can take me now. I don;t care anymore. 65lbs here I come.
 
S

Spikey

Senior Member
#10
#10
Beth sweetie, you're killing yourself. You are burning 700 calories a day just by living, because you're not eating, you are burning muscle to suppliment those calories. I'll give you less than a year to live. Do you really want to die?
 
S

Supreme Loser

Member
#11
#11
**BeautyIsThin** said:
I'm not going back to the clinic. They can eff off.
Ana can take me now. I don;t care anymore. 65lbs here I come.
Click to expand...
Hi BeautyIsThin,
There is still some information missing. Can you remember the first time you started dieting like this? What was it that made you decide to engage in such behavior? Was it a specific event or a number of them?

By the way, 65 pounds will surely destroy you. Please reconsider. Is there something in life that makes you truly happy? If so, please concentrate on that.

Take Care,
Supreme Loser
 
B

**BeautyIsThin**

#12
#12
I think it was when I was 6. I don't really remember why exactly. Just that I fel wrong all the time.
 
S

Syd

#13
#13
Do you have close friends or a bf who love you and accept you as you are? If you felt loved by friends & significant other, would you feel comfortable about your weight, or is it something that you do only for yourself? If you're concerned about weight, I would suggest a vegan diet; it's healthy and should be enough to give you energy without much risk of weight gain.
 
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