Since I am supposedly supposed to be in recovery I guess I had better post in this section instead of the ED one. Although I don't really want to be in recovery right now I don't have a choice because I'm watched like a hawk. In the clinic they wouldn't let me know my weight, which was heartbraking and scary and awful and just plain distressing. They made me gain 20lbs so I am 105lbs now, which I haven't been for months. That was my goal weight to get out of the clinic although I didn't know it. That was the goal weight they set for me so it wasn't actually MINE but they don't care about that. I'm supposed to gain another 10-15 pounds and I go for "therapy" four times a week, which I hate. I know to most people 105 isn't fat but to me.....well, it is. I wasn't very well, physically, when I was admitted. I guess I can admit that now and that maybe I went a litte too far. I should have maintained at 90lbs but that was my mistake. I don't know what I want anymore. I'm sick of being so obssessed with food and calories and fat and my body. But I'm also petrified of gaining weight and losing my control. I'm stuck right now and I don't know which way to go. I feel guilty when I eat and I hate myself. But I feel guilty when I try to get out of eating or I secretly work out in my bedroom at night because I'm being deceitful. Instead of gaining I'm losing. But really slowly. I don't want ana to grab me and pull me any deeper like before but I don't want her to let completely go either. I really am stuck.