Recurring Frustration

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Inanimate, Aug 4, 2015.

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  1. Inanimate

    Inanimate Well-Known Member

    Whenever my emotional pain comes close to becoming unbearable, I start feeling slightly better, and soon I start looking forward to things in the near future; this frustrates me more than anything because I'm suicidal, and I'm geared towards suicide. I've convinced myself that my life isn't worth living, and I've accepted my suicidal thoughts and tendencies. Yet, I innately find reasons to postpone death and bear the immense pain of being conscious. In addition to my frustration, I believe that when I tell my family that I'm contemplating actually doing things in the near future (i.e. getting a gym membership and/or working part-time/full-time), they become overly excited and optimistic and underestimate my depression. I'm glad that they're feeling relief, but they often get taken by surprise when they learn that I'm still severely depressed. I doubt my family can fathom the scope of my depression, and they certainly don't know how it feels. At least, my brother understands that I still feel terrible despite seeing a livelier side of me.
     
  2. Unsupergirl

    Unsupergirl Active Member

    I get that. I go through the same thing regularly. At least in my case, I believe it's a small part of my inner voice reminding me that I still have a place in this world, and to fight. It can seem easy to forget the blessings we have at dark times, but there will always be that part of us that isn't going to let us forget. I sincerely hope that part keeps winning until it can begin to take over and grow, for both of us.
     
  3. Inanimate

    Inanimate Well-Known Member

    I agree. Actually, I do feel like it's more than an innate desire to survive that's keeping me alive. As much as I feel that I don't have a place anywhere on this planet, I don't think that's entirely true. Maybe I can find a purpose in living, other than surviving for the sake of my loved ones' happiness. Maybe this pain can be worth bearing. It all depends on whether I'm interested or not. Right now, I feel indifferent, and I've always felt this way, but I do genuinely hope that the part of you that wants to fight prevails.
     
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