Whenever my emotional pain comes close to becoming unbearable, I start feeling slightly better, and soon I start looking forward to things in the near future; this frustrates me more than anything because I'm suicidal, and I'm geared towards suicide. I've convinced myself that my life isn't worth living, and I've accepted my suicidal thoughts and tendencies. Yet, I innately find reasons to postpone death and bear the immense pain of being conscious. In addition to my frustration, I believe that when I tell my family that I'm contemplating actually doing things in the near future (i.e. getting a gym membership and/or working part-time/full-time), they become overly excited and optimistic and underestimate my depression. I'm glad that they're feeling relief, but they often get taken by surprise when they learn that I'm still severely depressed. I doubt my family can fathom the scope of my depression, and they certainly don't know how it feels. At least, my brother understands that I still feel terrible despite seeing a livelier side of me.