Recurring, intrusive thoughts and memories.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by stereoman, Jun 9, 2011.

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  1. stereoman

    stereoman Member

    Hi, anyone who happens to read this,

    I'm writing out to cyberspace, because there doesn't feel like there is anyone in my life I can talk to about these feelings accurately, without fear of judgement, or advice which I just don't seem to be able to follow. I am in the pits... just last week I was discharged from a home treatment house ( a staging post before hospital admission), after being there for a week. The nurses saw an improvement in my mood and I was let out, even though I felt I would likely decline again.

    I don't know where to begin... I'm a 30 year old man, live alone, survived two attempts several years ago. My story involves all the usual tropes - addictions, childhood issues, relationship breakdowns, job loss... I'm due to see a psychotherapist next Monday for an initial assessment regarding analytic therapy, but I am very pessimistic about this, as I am about everything recently.

    In February, I hit a crisis, stopped working, and became involved with mental health care, just nurses, who delivered short classes on thoughts and feelings, anxiety management, etc. My lack of progress in these makes me doubtful for the therapy.

    Why would anyone even read this? Why am I typing it? I can't stop thinking about suicide, researching methods that would work for certain this time.

    I've become so isolated. Ruined everything. Don't have the strength to make the changes necessary to get out of this depression. I'm sorry if this sounds pitiful, or self indulgent, it probably is, but I am so negative, I've been through this before, can't keep on experiencing it. Want out.

  2. lkt

    lkt Active Member

    i'm almoast the same as you, is very painful, when we get like this, we gotta at least try to get some words that can bring peace to our hearts

    i may be not of much help, but you should know that you are not the only one in this boat
  3. stereoman

    stereoman Member

    I hear you, man - thanks for replying - am going to read your posts now.
  4. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time.

    Don't be too hard on yourself, I can tell you are by saying you ruined everything. Bad things happen to good people, if your upset about any mistakes you've made you need to learn to forgive yourself nobody is perfect

    Another suggestion is to do your best to get as much enjoyment as you can out of life. Anything to help you relax and get some happiness. Don't worry about the past or the future just live in the moment.

    A psychologist or a psychiatrist is a good idea especially if your in such a depression where suicide is constantly on your mind. Be open and honest and they should be able to help you.

    Being isolated really sucks, possibly try and reconnect with some old friends or family. Join some type of coed sports group or something like that. Something to help you meet other people and getting some exercise will release some endorphin's and help you enjoy the moment.

    Going to the gym or doing any type of exercise is a good idea as well. Hopefully some of is of any benfit take care.

    I'm wishing you future happiness.
  5. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    am sorry you feel so low. we have all reached out to cyberspace as the real world seems to offer us so little, so dont feel bad about reaching out here.

    go for therapy, it may just work. i was in hospital for 17 weeks last year and it was horrible, made me worse...and took me ages to adjust to being "free" and eventually i got appt with psychotherapist and he is really understanding, no pressure and so much better than being instituionalised, so dont let your half way house experience put you off.

    therapy may make you feel worse to start with (it has with me) but ultimately the hope is you will feel better, give it a go with an open mind. i am sure a great many of us understand when you say you cant keep going through this, but this is your pain talking...give therapy a chance, be open be honest but in the mean time distract yourself, go for walk, cut the grass...anything to focus your mind. we are all here when you need us.
  6. stereoman

    stereoman Member

    Thanks lightinthedarkness, icequeen, for the practical tips - I joined a gym yesterday, today I spent the whole day in bed. Not being so hard on myself has been singled out as my biggest problem - I don't know how to shake it - it was programmed into me from childhood. And going for walks, living for the moment, reconnecting with friends - all good suggestions that have been made to me already, and I worry myself with my lack of trying/apathy towards doing them.
    This is why I worry about therapy, and about my poor motivation.

    Thank you, genuinely, for the suggestions.

  7. stereoman

    stereoman Member

    Had the assessment for psychotherapy on Monday - have to wait until September to join a group. Can't wait that long in this mood - been researching sources of something lethal on the net. This is becoming a decision to escape - no cry for help - there isn't anything that would help me now.
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