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recycling abuse

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Throughout all of my relationships I felt I was the abuser. I had a terrible temper and would get physical when pressed beyond a certain point. Also, I was very verbally abusive. I know its because one of my parents growing up was verbally abusive. It seemed I had gotten a handle on controlling my anger physically in my present relationship. But I still said hurtful things and attempted to control my boyfriend emotionally. Unlike my past boyfriends, he is a heavy drinker who becomes abusive when he drinks. I became pregnant three months ago and since then it seems all we do is hurt eachother. Then it came to a head the other day when he was drinking whiskey and fell into a rage. I've never been beaten like that by anyone. I know that it's my fault that he started drinking that night and blame myself for everything. His father, who was there that night and probably saved my life, also blames me. I was trying to get my things together and leave and he tells me I should not have left, because that only inflamed him to the point of attacking me. My counselor, on the other hand thinks that I had every right to leave as I did. I just don't know who to believe. Now my boyfriend is sitting in jail and I'm not allowed any contact with him until October 2nd, the court date. I thought that he was only going to have to sit in jail for a few days and then his dad would bail him out. I was going to drop the charges but the state charged him with aggravated battery because there were two other arrests made by his ex wife. His dad tells me that they were bogus arrests and that he didn't hit her. But, I know that he hates that whole family and that he's very protective over his son, so I don't know what to believe. I just wish I could talk to him. I already miss him so much and feel to blame for everything that has happened. The cop asked me if I wanted him arrested, and I said yes out of anger. Now he could be facing possible prison time and it's all my fault. I just keep thinking aboout how sweet he was in the beginning, before I ruined everything by devaluing his love for me. He put me up on a pedestal. He told me that I was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen, that he loved me, even worshipped me. He was excited about being a father but I had to ruin it by talking about getting an abortion all the time. It made me mad and resentful that he could drink and do all the things that I could no longer do. I'm not ready to be a mother. I have no interest in being a mother and I took it out on him. His dad says that I started out being the best thing in his life and ended up being nothing but another problem to him. Why do I have to ruin every good thing in my life? If I wasn't pregnant I would just walk away and start over. But now I don't have that option. The thing that I'm most afraid of is that he doesn't love me anymore. That he doesn't feel bad about beating me and thinks I deserved it, which I feel I did in many ways. I think just knowing that would hurt worse than the beating did.
if he beat your pregnant self in a way that no one has beat you your whole life, then he probably beat his ex-wife too. And don't listen to the father. No body ever has a right to beat their spouse, especially a pregnant one they claim to love. And even if he hates you for wanting an abortion then, he should've saved you the beating just at the thoguht of the child.

Kudos to you for being brave enough to leave.
And also, i send you my warmest thoughts.
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