Rededications

[amee]

I'm at a point where I'm sick of my own bullshit, I want to move on and be happy and productive. I know I need to reroute my own reactions, gain a bit of emotional endurance, apply positive practices, and grow the hell up.

But getting right down to it, when I try to focus on how to change my situation, I end up cycling back into feeling bad about it. I feel stupid for ending up here. I feel really broken down, really harsh on myself, and I don't really feel like I deserve to move on.

If all else fails, I guess I'll just have to apply a temporary "selfless" cover to it: EG, what do I want to be like for my loved ones? Can I focus on the effects I have, acting more positively, rather than sinking into myself and letting everyone else be affected by my tunnel-vision?

I want to be energetic, joyful, humorous, adventurous, fun, spontaneous, productive, creative, responsible, successful.

I want people to want to seek me out, want to be around me, want to make me even happier than I already am. People feel that way when you make them happy, not when you weigh them down with your own fears and pains.

So I think maybe the first steps are ... faking it. Just temporarily, mind, and then taking real reasons to feel better into account. This doesn't mean I'd become a plastic Stepford Girl, but that I'd try to be more optimistic.

I just feel really crappy, regardless. It doesn't help, thinking that people don't want to be around me because I'm a negative creep. I HATE being loathesome. I hate being unwanted. And the effort to get out of it seems like SO much work and SO likely to prove unrewarding.

Thoughts?

--A

 

[Ziggy]

Personally I'm not happy to fake being somebody I'm not.
I used to do it all the time, it made me more popular I guess, but the closer I got to them the more I began to hate them, because I developed really deep feelings for these people, but they didn't like me, know me or understand me. They just liked the person who I was pretending to be.

By that time it was too late, I couldn't just turn round and say "Oh sorry I'm not actually the person you think I am, I hope you'll still like me", in the end I just grew angry with them, with myself and drove them away from me. So much for wanting to be popular...

When you said you wanted to fake it but "Just temporarily, mind". This may work, but I would keep an eye on it and make sure it is just temporary. It's better to hide a little than blatantly lie etc. Once it feels like you're living 2 different lives all sorts of problems can occur.

I'm slowly and surely trying to improve my life, I come on this board, I try to read positive news stories on the internet instead of just watching negative stuff on the TV all the time, taking walks cheers me up... you're absolutely right it is a lot of work but I think it's worth it. If you want to be creative, take up painting or a musical instrument for example, people won't instantly like you any more for it, but I think it helps you to start feeling genuinely better about yourself.

It's nice when you meet someone and they genuinely like you and accept you for who you are. I'd rather have just 1 single friend like this than 100 'friends' who didn't know me.