I'm at a point where I'm sick of my own bullshit, I want to move on and be happy and productive. I know I need to reroute my own reactions, gain a bit of emotional endurance, apply positive practices, and grow the hell up.
But getting right down to it, when I try to focus on how to change my situation, I end up cycling back into feeling bad about it. I feel stupid for ending up here. I feel really broken down, really harsh on myself, and I don't really feel like I deserve to move on.
If all else fails, I guess I'll just have to apply a temporary "selfless" cover to it: EG, what do I want to be like for my loved ones? Can I focus on the effects I have, acting more positively, rather than sinking into myself and letting everyone else be affected by my tunnel-vision?
I want to be energetic, joyful, humorous, adventurous, fun, spontaneous, productive, creative, responsible, successful.
I want people to want to seek me out, want to be around me, want to make me even happier than I already am. People feel that way when you make them happy, not when you weigh them down with your own fears and pains.
So I think maybe the first steps are ... faking it. Just temporarily, mind, and then taking real reasons to feel better into account. This doesn't mean I'd become a plastic Stepford Girl, but that I'd try to be more optimistic.
I just feel really crappy, regardless. It doesn't help, thinking that people don't want to be around me because I'm a negative creep. I HATE being loathesome. I hate being unwanted. And the effort to get out of it seems like SO much work and SO likely to prove unrewarding.
Thoughts?
--A
But getting right down to it, when I try to focus on how to change my situation, I end up cycling back into feeling bad about it. I feel stupid for ending up here. I feel really broken down, really harsh on myself, and I don't really feel like I deserve to move on.
If all else fails, I guess I'll just have to apply a temporary "selfless" cover to it: EG, what do I want to be like for my loved ones? Can I focus on the effects I have, acting more positively, rather than sinking into myself and letting everyone else be affected by my tunnel-vision?
I want to be energetic, joyful, humorous, adventurous, fun, spontaneous, productive, creative, responsible, successful.
I want people to want to seek me out, want to be around me, want to make me even happier than I already am. People feel that way when you make them happy, not when you weigh them down with your own fears and pains.
So I think maybe the first steps are ... faking it. Just temporarily, mind, and then taking real reasons to feel better into account. This doesn't mean I'd become a plastic Stepford Girl, but that I'd try to be more optimistic.
I just feel really crappy, regardless. It doesn't help, thinking that people don't want to be around me because I'm a negative creep. I HATE being loathesome. I hate being unwanted. And the effort to get out of it seems like SO much work and SO likely to prove unrewarding.
Thoughts?
--A