Reengaging With My Life

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by 41021, Mar 23, 2010.

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  1. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    been trying to reengage with my life. will speak more of that endeavor later.
    i discovered something today. Perhaps it is not a good idea to force things or push one's way through depression.

    I think there may be good reason why depressed ppl have little energy, and for me anyway, i can't eat, rarely sleep, so very low energy levels. shaky if i do much of anything. Makes it difficult to do anything. Like i've said before i have literally done nothing for four months.

    Well, i went out yesterday for 4 hours. First two hours i felt angry. The next two i cried and felt sad. The only upside was the horses acted as though they'd been seeing me every day. Got down on my knees in the straw and the minis surrounded me. put their heads over my shoulder and rested their heads on me. Didn't want me to go. The big fellas (the standard sized horses) mobbed me. They seemed a little different, a little more touchy?? don't know how to explain lots of nuzzles i was getting but it was different somehow.

    Been out today. I think one reason for low energy may be a safety thing. So i decided to burn a small field. Not wise. In all my years of burning, never a problem. Not one. While i was burning i began thinking of Robbie and all he went through...the pain during his last minute/seconds actually...he killed himself with fire. Was thinking how easy it would be, no one would notice for many hours, perhaps even a day or two. Was thinking about the people here, because i worry about all of you. Began thinking i need to be a little careful.

    My leg was hurting just above boot level. I usually ignore pain when i work. The pain got bad. I reached down and grabbed where it hurt and burned my hand. Upper boot/sock and lower section of jeans on fire but underneath...couldn't really tell looking from the outside. Tried to beat it out thinking it wasn't too bad. Didn't work. Fortunately i was working only a couple hundred feet from the pond so just went and put my leg in almost to my knee. You know i ruined the only pair of pants i can find that fit me (lost weight due to not eating). totally ruined my boot (over 200.00 worth of specialized boot!). I've not looked at my leg yet and still have my wet boot and sock on. Going to wait to check things, until i come in for the night. Hopefully around sunset. It does sting though.

    Had i continued listening to my depression, i never would have gone outside, never would have burned myself. I would have continued as i've been the past four months. Thing is i've had this pressing feeling. I know it's spring doing it to me...i've got to find a way to reengage, or dismount and call it quits...perhaps ride into the sunset. I cannot continue on this way...watching my life go by, watching the seasons unfold is killing me. I can't seem to find a way to step back into it so i figured i would just force it.

    anyway, so these depressive symptoms may keep ppl from endangering themselves. Keeps one from climbing ladders to patch a roof, moving things & getting bit by a snake, burning one's self, falling from a loft, losing a limb brush hogging/mowing, injuring one's self with power tools, or any number of things. Likely didn't help that i've been numbing myself so 1. i can force this reengagement and 2. so i don't just off myself. physically i feel shaky, weak, as though getting over a very long illness, no energy, upset stomach etc.

    kk so i am going back out for a bit. will try to talk later. Wondering if other ppl have experienced similar know being depressed causing one to not focus and endanger themselves? Kind of hard to get hurt if you stay in bed all day or sit in one spot all day.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i think getting out is good but staying away from fires and dangerous equipment is wise. Lying in bed for a day okay need rest but for weeks no you will only get sicker. Reaching out to people is needed conversation getting away from the surrounding making you depressed. Horses are caring animals perhaps go for a ride on one. i hope your depression lifts soon if not phone your doctor and see if meds need to be changed take care okay please stay safe.
  3. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    you have to find some way to eat, hon - lack of nutrition on top of lack of sleep is definitely not going to help your focus or your energy levels

    please take care of your leg and take care of yourself

    :hug: :hug: :hug:
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    well done for getting out Kali.....even though you burnt yourself....
    maybe doing safer things is the way from now on...
    sounds like the horses missed you and felt your pain...they are pretty smart animals...
    hope you continue to do a little each day....take care..
  5. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    Okay. This is a late start by normal standards (pre four months ago), but it is a start. i am preparing to go outside.

    I've decided i likely should not handle a chainsaw just yet, and perhaps should let the downed trees set just a little longer. Good idea perhaps, in light of yesterdays mishap. I think today i will work on a couple of the water systems. At least that is my plan at the moment. Who knows?

    Luck to me, folks. I am crossing my fingers. let's see how today goes.

    ...and no snakes please!!

    **hugs** for everyone. Hope everyone is doing just a bit better today, or at least i hope your day improves even a little. But i understand how this goes...hugs for all. See you on my breaks. Try to be gentle and easy on those hearts...they already hurt enough.
  6. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    hope it's a good day for you and NO don't use the chainsaw please...........hugs
  7. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    you go, girl!

  8. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    Third day in a row I've gone outdoors to work. There is so much to do. I did some burning today. I know i shouldn't. I really need to stay away from anything dangerous. I'm trying to stay away from the chainsaw as well. I could end up in a bad situation if i operate it. There are a lot of trees that need cut up, but between being depressed and my shoulder causing me problems, i think it an unsafe move to operate the thing.

    Depression can be dangerous. The condition should come with a warning; Do not operate heavy equipment. Do not engage in potentially dangerous activities. Do not drive.

    I have the lower section of a hillside to burn tomorrow. I know. I know. I really shouldn't. Ugh :sad: I did some work on one of the water systems. Mainly several hours worth of miscellaneous small chores that needed done.

    I set up one of the incubators. Several folks have made requests for guinea. They are excellent alarms and wonderful insect control. Also fun to watch. I was not going to do this because i figured it wouldn't be fair to the developing embryos if i offed myself. I am trying to behave in a hopeful manner even though i don't feel that way, and this was one positive step in that direction.

    Oh, it's time for morels. I'm supposed to look forward to this. See, i know how i am supposed to feel about things...i just don't feel any of it. I know how i am supposed to respond to various seasonal cues...i've just not been responding to them or taking action.

    I've been watching my life for four months. i've done nothing. I've tried to step into it but have been unable. I don't know how to put this but my life continues on whether i participate or not. It keeps going. I've been doing nothing, just sitting and watching it happen. I can't do that anymore. I've reached a maximum frustration point. It's either i find a way to step into it or i end it. It's like trying to step on to one of those playground toys that spin. Waiting for the right moment, the right spot, but getting dizzy and frustrated and sitting back down to watch it continue to spin.

    Tonight has been difficult. Hit with heavy deep pain. bummed out. So, i am numbing again. :sad:

    I don't know if this plan will work or not.
  9. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    getting out there is a good thing

    i'm so proud of you for doing this

  10. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    almost didn't make it out yesterday.
    too much rain.
    then had to run out to attend to a newborn in the eve.
    today, a beautiful day but i can't move.
    ppl i am concerned about here at the site, and not even
    enough energy to tell them or check in on them.

    how am i ever going to kick this?
  11. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    you've made huge strides in the last few days and that took a lot of courage

    maybe give yourself a little break, hmm

    you were a big help to me yesterday

    if you need me, i'll be here

    we all will be

  12. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    kk thanks echo
  13. ASolitaryBlue

    ASolitaryBlue Well-Known Member

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