k. been trying to reengage with my life. will speak more of that endeavor later. i discovered something today. Perhaps it is not a good idea to force things or push one's way through depression. I think there may be good reason why depressed ppl have little energy, and for me anyway, i can't eat, rarely sleep, so very low energy levels. shaky if i do much of anything. Makes it difficult to do anything. Like i've said before i have literally done nothing for four months. Well, i went out yesterday for 4 hours. First two hours i felt angry. The next two i cried and felt sad. The only upside was the horses acted as though they'd been seeing me every day. Got down on my knees in the straw and the minis surrounded me. put their heads over my shoulder and rested their heads on me. Didn't want me to go. The big fellas (the standard sized horses) mobbed me. They seemed a little different, a little more touchy?? don't know how to explain it...like lots of nuzzles i was getting but it was different somehow. Been out today. I think one reason for low energy may be a safety thing. So i decided to burn a small field. Not wise. In all my years of burning, never a problem. Not one. While i was burning i began thinking of Robbie and all he went through...the pain during his last minute/seconds actually...he killed himself with fire. Was thinking how easy it would be, no one would notice for many hours, perhaps even a day or two. Was thinking about the people here, because i worry about all of you. Began thinking i need to be a little careful. My leg was hurting just above boot level. I usually ignore pain when i work. The pain got bad. I reached down and grabbed where it hurt and burned my hand. Upper boot/sock and lower section of jeans on fire but underneath...couldn't really tell looking from the outside. Tried to beat it out thinking it wasn't too bad. Didn't work. Fortunately i was working only a couple hundred feet from the pond so just went and put my leg in almost to my knee. You know i ruined the only pair of pants i can find that fit me (lost weight due to not eating). totally ruined my boot (over 200.00 worth of specialized boot!). I've not looked at my leg yet and still have my wet boot and sock on. Going to wait to check things, until i come in for the night. Hopefully around sunset. It does sting though. Had i continued listening to my depression, i never would have gone outside, never would have burned myself. I would have continued as i've been the past four months. Thing is i've had this pressing feeling. I know it's spring doing it to me...i've got to find a way to reengage, or dismount and call it quits...perhaps ride into the sunset. I cannot continue on this way...watching my life go by, watching the seasons unfold is killing me. I can't seem to find a way to step back into it so i figured i would just force it. anyway, so these depressive symptoms may keep ppl from endangering themselves. Keeps one from climbing ladders to patch a roof, moving things & getting bit by a snake, burning one's self, falling from a loft, losing a limb brush hogging/mowing, injuring one's self with power tools, or any number of things. Likely didn't help that i've been numbing myself so 1. i can force this reengagement and 2. so i don't just off myself. physically i feel shaky, weak, as though getting over a very long illness, no energy, upset stomach etc. kk so i am going back out for a bit. will try to talk later. Wondering if other ppl have experienced similar problems...you know being depressed causing one to not focus and endanger themselves? Kind of hard to get hurt if you stay in bed all day or sit in one spot all day.