Reflections nothing more than twisted mirrors

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ~PinkElephants~, Jul 21, 2007.

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  1. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    I havent posted anywhere besides room to vent in a long time besides responding to others posts. I have felt like by only posting in my room to vent thread others wouldn't have to deal with my shit and I wouldn't have to ask for help. I hate asking for help, it seems so hard to simply say "please help me" even to those that are close to me. I hate asking for help because I know others are suffering right along side me. I know that others have their own issues and that is why I don't push my issues on others at all, I feel like a huge burden.

    I'm trying, but I keep feeling myself slip further and further into this oblivion, into this hole that I've dug for myself over and over and over again. I feel my mind becoming a blur, I feel the tears start to well up, I feel the hate and the vengence that I have stifled down for so long surfacing and I hate that me. I hate the me that will snap at anyone and will use words that a trucker would blush at. I keep trying but I keep failing. I fail at everything, nothing will make that change.

    I have done everything this week to keep myself from drowning beneath the self hate, beneath the remorse i have for the life that I have thrown away, for the life that was given to me and the life that I wasted. I am nothing in the eyes of myself and to me that is the most important person that matters. My opinion of myself reflects on how I hold myself in the world around me. I don't like lookinig into people's eyes when walking by because I feel by doing so I will see the disgust in their eyes. I am disgusting, yes, I know this. I pride myself now on going to the gym everyday and not eating or purging up what I eat. I am overweight, I know this, I truly do. By one person trying to force me into clothes I hate, into things I hate doing, I have broken down and now I hate the site of food. Food makes me want to vomit, the smell of food makes me want to vomit, someone eating food makes me want to vomit.

    I feel like going back to my old ways of popping the pills to ease the pain, of cutting to release the pain, of doing anything to just make it go away. I feel the tears spilling from my eyes as I'm writing this, as I'm releasing whatever I'm feeling. I know I need help, but I won't ask for it, I can't ask for it. I will never ever ask for the help that I so need, not from anyone around me because I know what they will say. "She's the emotional one, the one that takes life to seriously and lets the little things effect her" YES that is me and yes the little things effect me, but it is who i am it is who i will always be.

    I want to let the blood spill...god i want it to just surge out of me..i want to break into tiny little pieces so I will never ever be put back together again.


    Let me make this clear..i don't want the bullshit huggy emotes saying it'll be okay..i'm tired of the fake bullshit that lies beneath those and if that makes it so not a soul replies to this be makes me a bitch so be it
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 21, 2007
  2. The_Discarded

    The_Discarded Staff Alumni

    Ugh... :sad: kells, i know how it feels.

    I know you won't ask for help, but when I say I'm here for you I mean it, regardless of whether or not you'll take advantage of the opportunity.

    Just know that you're heard, and thought of. Don't feel ignored...

    Please try and hang in there...

    Be safe, if you can.
  3. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    :sad: Kellz..
    I'm honestly at a loss for words right now for you..I won't tell you it'll all be okay, because I have no idea if it'll be okay, I'd like to look at the world with that much optimism, but I can't. Anyways. Let me say what I can bring myself to say. Kellz, you're an awesome, caring woman, no matter what you think of yourself. You are absolutely not a burden. You do so much for people, whether they're appreciative or not. I truly hope you don't go back to cutting, and popping pills to get rid of the pain.. I know you didn't ask for the little huggy I won't use it. But, seriously, you know where I am if you need someone to talk to, support, or anything. x x
  4. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    Kelly, I love you more than anything. I hope you already know that, but I just wanted to tell you. If people think you are disgusting then fuck them, cos they are the disgusting ones. You are worth so much more than them. You have so much goodness in you, so much to be proud of. I love who you are, everything about you. You are my heart and I'm not gonna leave or let you go. You are worth fighting for. You are not a burden. I'm here babe, I promise. I love you and I'm here for you, and that's not about to change.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 21, 2007
  5. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    Its not selfish to seek help, to ask for advice, to take some comfort in friends, its what you need to do to develop the strength to move forward. Everyone here wants you to have a good life, wants you to be as happy as you can be.

    I can understand the sense of sense loathing, of low self worth, and i dont think its all driven by your dislike for the way you look, theres a lot of things that have happened in the past, and are still happening that contribute towards you feeling this way. Those things are going to take time to deal with, its no overnight operation, but it can be done, and I know for a fact you have the strength of character to confront those things and put them behind you.

    I know you hate the way you look, but i have never seen you as "disgusting". Theres a lot of things that make you attractive Kelly, for me I think its that sense of humour that I often see when we chat on MSN, kind of playful, and a little twisted sometimes lol....(in a good way ;) ) I think your a very kind, warm hearted person, and Im glad to consider you a friend :)

    Kells your often frank with me, so let me be frank with you...You know not eating is going to make your life worse, you know excessively exercising to the point exhaustion isnt a great idea either (im not trully sure how far your going with it). You have to eat to keep yourself healthy and vital, you dont, and you go from being a bit overweight, to skin & bone....and thats not what you want. Not too mention the serious health issues that come with an eating disorder. If food is disgusting to you, try and eat things that dont look so terrible...fruit is great for that, maybe still clear of heavy meals and fatty meats and stuff, light, frequent meals so you dont feel bloated, and regulated , reasonable exercise is the key....

    Aside from the eating and exercise, I think your idea of saving up for a car is a good one, and then next on the list has to be a move out hard as thats going to will never be able to fully realize the life you could have without a lot more independance. Thats how I see it anyway....i know you love Dylan, you just have to make sure you can visit him often, daily if need be.

    Youll get through this, need to take a step back and see the path your starting to walk down though, turn around and pick another course. Ill be here for you whenever I can. *hug* :smile:
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