Regarding stupid thing people say to you ....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by fullofpain, Feb 25, 2010.

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  1. fullofpain

    fullofpain Member

    Yesterday I found a thread, but i dont know where its gone. It was about stupid things people have said to you about your depression and wanting to die. Here are some things ive been told to help me "cope with my depression"...................

    Oh, just go for a ten mile jog, that'll make you feel better!
    Just watch a comedy, you'll be better in no time.
    What about the people in Haiti (or any other third world country)? You've got no right to be depressed!
    Stop trying to get attention!
    Just talk to your doctor and you'll be fine.
    So you havent got a job and are about to be evicted, worse things can happen!

    and a real doozy that came from the mouth of my own mother.......

    If you ever get depressed like this again, I'll disown you.........needless to say
    I dont talk to my mother because of the type of person she is.

    The one that really annoys me is this: "Jesus" will save you!! Just pray to him and everything will be great! What a load of F*&$#) horse*&%@.

    A young girl at work said something to me that made me so angry, it went
    like this....

    "Im soooo depressed" "whats wrong?" I asked, " would you like to talk to me?" "Yes" she said sadly " I went to buy a dress at Target and it was gone," (tears) "Now ill never be able to own it".........

    That annoyed the s*&(^ out of me, she doesnt know what depression is.
     
  2. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    Have you had the 'everything happens for a reason' crappy saying or 'you just need to 'pull your socks' and be more positive' If it was that easy we wouldn't be feeling how we are x
     
  3. fullofpain

    fullofpain Member

    yeah I heard those too. Be more positive! How stupid are some people?
     
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    what about the one my daughter said to my son before he killed himself..
    'life is what you make it, you gotta get off your bum and do something" ???????????????
    that made him feel better..NOT.....then he felt like he was a big loser cos he couldn't make his life better......
     
  5. charmane

    charmane Well-Known Member

    I hear what you are saying about people saying insensitive and clueless type things to you. The hard part is... everyone thinks they should say something, and they often genuinely want to help but they do not understand or know what to say. In those instances .... foot right in mouth.

    I can tell you from experience that when someone is in deep, unrelenting depression and they want to die and they are in your life it is so hard to find the right words. There are times I might seem insensitive or downright mean but when my son is acting his worst and he is trashing the house again, lying to us again and expressing how much his life is just not worth living.... I just want to throttle him. I swing between fear and confusion, anger, sadness and certainly desperation. I am so scared he will try to kill himself again and so scared I will not be able to stop him.

    He is 23 and he still lives with us. He does not function as someone his age. He has never had a real job, he drinks to excess, he spends money he doesn't have, he has dropped out of college numerous times, he has stuck us with his loans that we have cosigned. He is one of four children and he is putting our house in emotional and financial turmoil. I am not being sarcastic or trite but I really want to know..... what are the right words? He has stopped seeing his doctor and he is not taking any meds right now. He prefers his fifths I suppose. He gets very angry if I bring up his drinking or his not complying with treatment. If we don't say anything - he just lays in bed all day and goes to the bar at night.

    I really think this is a good and useful thread. I would like to hear some discussion on what is the right thing to say or not to say to someone suffering from severe depression. My son says I am always saying the wrong thing to him, that I diminish him. He says this if we ask him if he attended his class that day or kept his doctor appt. He really resents it if we mention the empty liquor bottles he has stashed all over the house. He gets very angry if we try to help him make plans such as writing a resume or looking into internship opportunities. He does not pay any rent to live with us, he is the only one of my children without a job to at least pay for his own gas and insurance. The only time we get along is if we look the other way and let him just keep going the way he is.

    He is very bright, mensa gave him some money for college. It is so hard to watch him just sit there day after day, deep in depression, not moving forward at all. If anyone reading this has any ideas, or a similar story to share I would love the help.:lost:
     
  6. fullofpain

    fullofpain Member

    The fundamentals to finding words to say to the depressed are that the person is accepted for who she/he is and is being heard and understood (as best one without depression can understand).

    My daughter had chronic depression and I was able to help her to the extent that now, after just one year, she has made a full recovery. Funnily enough, I cannot help myself! However this is not the point.

    I contributed to her recovery, along with medical proffessionals, by:

    Pointing out her strengths (even the smallest of things) EVERY DAY, by saying such things as: You are such a good drawer. You are so intelligent. I love the way you look after your room. You are really pretty. You did some exercise? thats great! Darling I love the way you are trying to get over your depression, you're really strong. NEVER point out things that you consider negative. It's not what they need to hear. Even when my daughter destroyed my personal property, I would just say "You must be feeling bad right now, Id probably do the same thing". What are material objects when it comes to the health of your child? Nothing.

    I'd also tell her every week, that I felt she was getting better and better. Saying I love you on a regular basis is also important, as your child/loved one needs to know you love her/him no matter what.

    Let your child/loved one rant and rave and express him/herself - ignore the swearing, if it comes to that. They are just words and not meant for you. If you pick on your child about behaviours, it will only make them feel worse- that they are a failure because they have hurt a loved one. Accept your child for who she is now, and make it a point to only use encouraging supporting words.

    Charmane, I noticed that in your post you pointed out that your son didnt have a job, has dropped out of college, doesnt pay rent, and drinks alot. Are you, or have you, ever been depressed.? Isnt this, then, depression. ? If he had good mental health, would he be in this situation? Its not that he wants to be like this, dont you think?

    Accept and love your child, and watch him/her blossom.
     
  7. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Those responses are precisely the reason why I keep my suicidal tendencies to myself. Some people just do not understand. Just like I do not understand their constant euphoria.

    My advice just keep your depression to yourself and mimic everyone elses euphoria. That will at least make the shut up.
     
  8. charmane

    charmane Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the response. In answer to your question - no, I have never been depressed, until now. I always believed that I could handle things in my life, that I could make a difference. I wouldn't call it "euphoria" as mentioned in the other post but I just went about my business - had my good days and bad days and never really experienced any lengthy bouts of extreme sadness.

    We have struggled with my son's depression since he was a young kid. He has always been very high-strung and had a very low frustration tolerance. We tried all kinds of things with him and took different approaches along the way. I always believed that the problem would get better and be resolved with the next stage in his life (i.e. better when he got to middle school, high school, college etc.). It has only gotten worse and worse.

    You don't mention how old your daughter is. I am very glad that you were able to break through with her - I think your suggestions are very helpful. I can tell you are very loving and patient and perhaps you are more so because you suffer the same way. I do think it is harder for people who have not experienced the unrelenting pain of depression to truly "walk in their shoes." You can do that and it is to your daughter's beneft.

    I am trying to juggle what is good for my whole family. He is the oldest of four - the other three are teen-agers and I feel like all my time is devoted to him, yet and still. The rest of the family are just put in the background while I try to keep him alive. He is 23 now, and he just wants out of here. He sees his friends moving ahead in life and he is just stuck. If I do try to say something positive to him he tells me that I'm full of shit. He is constantly comparing himself to his friends (who he no longer sees). What I am saying is that he feels that positive things we say to him are "phony" and he can see through my "touchy-feely bullshit". He won't accept kind words from anyone.

    I realize that he has suffered for so long that he has not had the same little sucesses that we all have along the way. He hasn't had that first menial job where he was "employee of the month." He has always underperformed in school in spite of his intelligence so he got nothing out of that. He dropped out of sports and hobbies (probably due to his depression) when he couldn't be the star on the team or he didn't want to put up with the learning curve. So, now he just sits in his room and drinks and thinks about his problems day and night.

    I am worried about all of us now. My husband is under so much stress at work and to come home to this every day -I'm afraid he's going to have a heart attack. He lost his older brother to suicide (when he was 20) and so this is just horrible for him on so many levels. It is financially hard for us as well. Like many nowadays - we don't know if he will have a job tomorrow. I haven't worked since my son attempted last Oct. I am terrified to leave him home - in case he tries again or just to protect the house (he does a lot of damage, forgets to bring the dog back in, leaves the place wide open etc.). My other children have been shoved in the background - I feel very guilty about that. My daughter is the one who found him (up at school) after his attempt and she is so scared for him. He told me he hates her because she is so "perfect" and he wants no more to do with her.

    Sorry, this post is long - but the problems are big, and you guys always listen so well. I do need to hear from people who have been there. I am determined that he will not exit now - and I am waiting for a breakthrough for him. Any input is always appreciated and you have given me more strength and determination to keep trying and keep giving it time -

    thanks
     
  9. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    Hi charmane, I'm not sure on what would be the best way to help your son but I'm also 23 and have suffered with depression since I was a teenager and it has got worse as I have got older and has resulted in some suicide attempts. I feel like I haven't got as good relationship with my mum anymore - I used to be able to talk to her about anything, never to my dad but I could always go to my mum - but since becoming really depressed and having ended up in a mental health hospital a few times, my relationship with my mum is quite hard. On a good day though I realise like you said, its quite hard for her to understand what and why I'm feeling and thinking like I am. The worse stuff that she has said to me and what really never helps but just makes me feel worse is stuff like ' you better not do anything so stupid ever again' 'you are so selfish, you don't realise what hell you've put me through, do you not think I have been put through enough' and my parents always yell at me - I mean really just stand there shouting if I have done something, i.e when I felt really low I took an overdose and when they found out they just started shouting, my dad asked me if I wanted people to lock me away with crazy people! It really ddn't help. So best thing and I know it might not always seem to help is just to make sure you don't get angry with your son, it really is not his fault he is feeling this way. He would proberly give anything to change how he feels. Is there no mental health service available for your son?maybe both himself and you and the rest of your family would benefit if he could have a stay in supportive accommodation for abit??Whilst I was in hospital, my therapist wanted me to spend some time in supported accommodation so that I would always have trained mental health people around if I needed them and to help me learn basic living skills again, like how to care for myself again - you know simple things like bothering to get up each day and make the effort to eat. Sorry for the essay but I hope maybe something I've written may help x
     
  10. fullofpain

    fullofpain Member

    Pebbles and Charmane.....

    Pebbles, I have to say that parents like yours really annoy me. By saying "look what you've done to me" and "your selfish", that are making the situation far worse. I am not trying to be nasty here, but they have very little insight or intelligence. It is obvious, just from the fact that you have attempted suicide, that there is something wrong, and you need love and support. Some people are just clueless. If its not happening to them, its not happening at all. They show little empathy.

    Im assuming that you live with your parents. Is there anywhere else you could go to get away from the constant negativity? Have your parents read up on depression?
     
  11. charmane

    charmane Well-Known Member

    Pebbles,

    Thank you so much for your response. It is exactly this kind of experience and input that I am looking for. That's why I think this thread is very helpful for those of us living with someone who is suffering this way. I am sorry to hear of your pain - you do sound similar to my son. He has been in and out of counseling since he was a teen (more out than in). He usually will try with someone for a visit or two but then find a lot of excuses not to go back. When we made it a condition of his living here - he would say he was going, leave the house and then go somewhere else. We have the bills for no-show appts. to prove that! Since he is an adult, we can't force him to comply.

    After his attempt in October - he drove himself to the hospital and they wanted him hospitalized for observation and treatment in a behavioral medicine ward. He is the one that consented but he became like a caged animal once in the ward. He obviously didn't know what the rules and procedures were and he tells me now he will never get over being in that place or the fact that we left him in there. He was there less than a week and we had no say in the length of the treatment because he signed himself in and he is over 18. He has all kinds of terrible stories about what went on there and it sounds like a Hollywood movie. I don't know if his perceptions are true or he is just being melodramatic.

    It seems like we've been walking on eggshells in our home for so long now. I will confess that over the years we have said some things to him as well about his attitude or behaviors that were not so patient or measured. When he was younger I was convinced he would recover and many times it seemed like he would. We tried the "give him some space and time" approach - the "kick in the pants" approach, the ultimatum approach, the "shock and awe" strategy the "kill him with kindness" approach etc. You get the picture. We desperately want him to have a fulfilled life. I don't care if he is a brain surgeon or works in a gas station. I just want him to find some happiness and peace.

    I have sought and followed advice from books, professionals, friends, co-workers, teachers, doctors, family members, strangers on a plane ......and so on. Today, I just decided to lay it all on the line. I had him sit with me and I read this thread to him - including the parts I wrote. At first, he didn't want to hear any of it - but then he became intrigued. He was agreeing or disagreeing with various things people said and it started a really good and productive dialogue. He told me he just needs to have a success - just something that goes right after so many things that went wrong no matter what caused those things to go wrong. I asked him to think and come up with a plan and he had already done that. He shared it with me and I think it sounds pretty good. I pray he has the strength to carry through with it - offered him our support to the extent that we are able. We realize he wants to function as an adult - that he wants to change his path.

    I know that nobody wants to live their life in this pain. I hear what others have said on this forum about how people in their lives have hurt them with their words and actions. But, I also know the pain and suffering that the rest of us have been through as well. There is only so much of me to give to my kids and this situation has taken way more than it's share. I know for a fact that some troubles that the younger boys have had in school are because my time and emotions have been so fractured.

    He has also said so many hurtful things, caused so many destructive scenes and told many dangerous lies. Just last weekend he went into my daughter's room (she is away at school) and he destroyed a bunch of her pictures that she had in her drawers. They were pictures of her and her friends over the years. He just resents so much the fact that she is happy. I don't know how to tell her this happened. She is a very sentimental kid and this is going to hurt her greatly. There have been many such events in our home over the past ten years. It is a long time to go through this. So, I guess my point is that families need understanding too.

    Thanks for the ear, the suggestions and the sharing. It is more helpful than you know. Like I said - I think we made real progress today and I'm hoping we can sustain it this time. I will keep in mind all you have said - and catch myself if I am saying something--- well---- stupid.
     
  12. nimbus

    nimbus Well-Known Member

    i'm not exactly a fan of the religious pep talks that people try. "just turn it over to god", "god has a purpose", blah blah blah. i gave up on religion long ago and this just causes me more guilt and doesn't help.

    things will get better, stay positive. these do nothing.

    and my personal favorite as of late: you just need to get laid!
    that one was told to me by the guy that has led me on for the last 10 years. we lived together for most of the last 10 years, he led me to believe that there was more to our relationship than just friendship (although i don't know if he really did this purposefully). he knows my history better than almost anyone else and knows how much i've got issues regarding sexuality. i haven't had a boyfriend in almost 10 years and my sex life is non-existent. i'm convinced that i will die alone. and then that gem from the man i've been in love with for so long. shit.
     
  13. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    Hi I don't think your being nasty at all, I kinda feel the same. It makes me feel so much worse when they say this stuff and especially when they get angry. I feel like I have to be a different person when I'm around them, the person they want me to be, its not easy and as soon as I'm away from them and by myself I usually end up breaking. Thankfully I don't leave at home full time anymore, I came to uni in Sept, the problem is I'm not doing so great here but I don't want to go home either. One of the last things my mum said to me before I came down to live at uni was 'If you do anything stupid don't think that I will be down there to see you', when I ended up in a and e once from a failed suicide attempt,they didn't come in to see me for the whole day I was there. My mum finally came in for 20mins in the evening but my dad didn't speak to me for 3 days until I apologised to him - he said he was so angry and disapointed in me that he could not even face me and that I don't even realise what I'm actuallly putting my mum through! I thought after I ended up in the mental health hospital that they would understand more but they just got more angry each day that I couldn't come home - I was meant to tell the people that I felt so much better so they would let me home! My parents wouldn't let me go into supported accommodation when the drs wanted me to, they saw it as people saying they weren't good enough to look after me so they said I couldn't. If my parents knew how I was at the moment, they would hate me. Its like they think I chose to do it to upset them or make things harder for them. I thought they would have understood me by now but they don't, there is 7 of us and I just feel like the failed daughter, like I've let them down. On a good day though I just feel annoyed with them that they can't be more supportive with it, they just make me feel like its my fault x But at least if I ever have children, I will be more aware and supportive if they ever have difficulties x
     
  14. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    That is great that he has come up with a plan, I'm at uni now - that was supposed to be my plan to build a 'life worth living' but somedays I will be focused and I know that is what I want but the next day or even hour I want something else or don't want anything and don't see the point of going on. My moods and thoughts seem to change all the time. If you expect this and are able to see when this may happen, I kinda think the best thing is just to be supportive and validate how he feels but remind him of the good things he felt when he was more positive about his plan. Its really easy to get stuck in a rut with how your feeling but I found that I had a few more good days once I became more focused, its not always like that and sometimes it does make the bad days harder as you feel like your failing but I hope by the end of it I'l feel maybe that I've finally acheived something in my life. I completely understand what you said that your son feels he needs to achieve things,etc Just be careful he doesn't set goals that are too high, this is what I usually do and when I don't meet them I end up being pretty hard on myself. After being in hospital for the first time, I got reccommended to do a DBT therapy course - it consisted of a 2.5hr group session once a week and a one to one 1hr individual therapy session once a week, I found it very hard but it is the first time I have ever been able to open up and talk to a therapist and I built a great relationship with her and she has really helped me to cope sometimes. I understand about the counsellors, I never got on with counsellors and still avoid them today but there may be someone out there who your son will feel he can talk to, Its just a case of trying to percevere but not to push him. It is hard for the rest of the family and he proberly feels really bad about all of the stuff all of the time, my little sister is 15 now and I still feel awful for what Ive done to them but I have to try to remember its not my fault, its because I'm not well, this is the same for your son - i know its difficult and sometimes getting angry feels like the only option but the best thing to remember is its not his fault and he is always doing the best he can. Its great if your son can come on here and talk to other people who understand. I met one of my good friends in DBT, its really helped to be friends with someone who actullay knows the real me instead of having to hide all the time. Getting out and doing things will seem like the hardest thing to do but even if you can encourage your son to go for walks either on his own or with you, on bad days I find this really helps x
    As for the hospital experience, when I first went into one I went in voluntarilly but as soon as I was in there and realised that I couldn't get out I kinda lost it too, when your feeling that low you just sometimes dont want any help, you are just focused on the ultimate goal of not being around anymore. I didn't take to kindly to people stopping my from doing this, but after a while i calmed down and started to go to some of the activities -- the best one was art therapy as i found this was a great way to let out how I was feeling. Leaving was hard too as I had become used to this saftey net where I didn't have to see anyone but slowly with help I got better with this. Has your son got any support from the mental health service? I'm not quite sure how it works for you but I have a CPN who I have to see every 2 weeks, I don't gell with her too much but sometimes I find it really helpful. There is also lots of support out there for families too x
     
  15. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    "What doesn't kill you will make you stronger", this was said to me by someone who is on anti depressants, my daughter died 2 years ago.

    "If you put your troubles on the carpet with everyone else, you would gladly take yours back" (I wanted to punch that person out).
     
  16. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    Hi downunder I'm sorry about your daughter :hug: xx I hate those sayings too, you feel like someone who is on anti depressants will have reason to understand that those sorts of sayings really dont help but its not true, my sister is on anti depressants and she still says to me ' It all happens for a reason love' what a load of crap. :smile: sometimes shouting or venting out at people when they say these sorts of things would be a great reaction x
     
  17. June

    June Well-Known Member

    I heard all of these sayings too and it makes me sick. Some people just don't understand. I'm depressed for 13 years and keep that mostly to myself. Just a few people know that. But a 'friend' of mine also knew and a few days ago I was really down and crying and stuff. Then he saw me writing on this site and started to laugh about it! He said he just can't believe something like this actually exist. When I told him that I need it and that I have to talk to people about how I feel, he started laughing even more. Some people are just idiots. And they don't care if they hurt you with that or not...
     
  18. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    Hi June I'm sorry your friend acted so insensitively. I know unfortunately people are like this, my family would go crazy at me if they knew I went on here to talk and my friends don't even know how I'm feeling at the moment. At least we all know on here that others understand how we feel and will not judge or say some of these stupid things which actually end up making us feel worse. I hope you don't have to suffer through depression on your own and are able to talk to people on here. I've only been a member a short while but people have helped me more than I would have thought I could have been these last few weeks. Hopefully you have the same from here x
     
  19. charmane

    charmane Well-Known Member

    I can't believe people would laugh at someone who is seeking help and comfort from any source especially if they are struggling with depression. I would love it if my son would come to this board and discuss his situation with people. It would show me that he is trying to find an answer and get input from people who can understand and help. Even if someone only listens - it is a great comfort to put the feelings and pain into words. It helps you to sort out your feelings and I know I've written stuff and gone -- damn that's a kind of silly thing to do or say - after I've written it. Ignore the people who scoff - they do so because they are uncomfortable because they also have a lot of unresolved issues and pain. Remember what Forrest Gump's mama always said , "Stupid is as Stupid does."
     
  20. weevil

    weevil Well-Known Member

    Hi Charmane, I have been in your son's position before and my Mum has most likely felt as helpless as you have. I have trouble understanding some of his behaviour though as I have never reacted so angrily as he seems to, I've always taken my anger out on myself rather than destroy someone elses belongings. I also didn't like it when my Mum would leave me to it, I wanted her to reach out more and try to help in the ways that you have, I don't understand the people who have those people in their lives but are resisting it. I've also been very aware of the times that she has helped me, it's very appreciated though makes me feel very guilty.

    I would probably feel the same as your son does about you daughter, it's not really about her so I hope she doesn't take it personally, but if he feels the same as I do then anyone the same age or especially younger than you that appears to be doing better is a massive kick in the face. And he is living with that kick in the face. I don't have any siblings so it's been easier for me to avoid people in that way. I don't have an answer for it though.

    I would suggest he didn't live with you but that is probably not possible to make work at the moment. I have been better off though when I've not lived at "home". When my life fell apart again at the start of last year I could have gone back to living with my Mum again but have stayed 200 miles away where I was. I now live alone. It's been hard and I am completely supported by benefits (which also makes me feel guilty) but I feel much more capable of moving on whereas being in my Mum's house makes it far too easy to just sit and not do anything at all.
     
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