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Regret - Things I could have, should have Done- it's to late Now!

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by True-Lee, Oct 8, 2015.

  1. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    It hit me like an Epiphany, Wow, Jeez, Now I am crying Again, Nothing Like an Old fool, crying over spilled milk!
    it was funny in a way I guess, I was heading here to say and talk about something Completely Different.

    I had just finished commenting on one Forum, I left and went to another, I saw A poem by Robert Frost, now I never was big into poetry, my mother was. One day she drove me to His house and I saw a small comfortable looking little house. I was too young then to understand what the big deal was. I did not, like her, read his poems I do remember some of them, "The Road Less Traveled" was one, when I saw it today, I had to read it over again,
    It brought me back a few years, going back so suddenly was like a shock, I generally try to stay out of my past, now especially! I was a fortunate child, I feel and believe. My parents were of the Depression they were both born during it or close to the start they lived it in and grew up during it! They had different values, they learned about things, I guess the hard way, I remember my mother telling me one Christmas they each got an orange, that was it. My grandfather was a new immigrant to this country, he was a huge man a finish carpenter but he had a large Family, My Gram was a small but strong woman she bore 10 children, my mom was in the middle, so she learned to appreciate what they had an to make the most of the little they got. I remember hearing this as a child, I wish i had listened better! I did not! I am paying a price for that now! To soon Old, To Late Smart! I think I will take this into the Diary and continue on there, I don't know how much I will write or how long i will write, only time will tell I guess! I will have to spend a little time going back as much as I am loathe to. I imagine some days and time in here will be rough for me, So I will have to see how much I can endure! Sorry to start and change, but that's life, for me anyways
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Never too late to appreciate what we have now. i can relate to the orange at Christmas statement we always got a big orange at Christmas time
  3. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    I commented on someones post this morning, I went to another and I started typing an I started crying, I have not been able to stop crying, I guess it is to late to get a second chance on life huh? I said that, yes! I was joking but "I am" fully aware of my future!

    I had one shot, I took it and I missed, boy did I ever, I guess my life since my last breakdown has been a pity party for myself, I had/have been the recipient of so much, I had well, maybe not the best childhood but I had one a lot better then a lot of kids. We always had a summer place to go to, We spent parts of the summers at the ocean, We spent parts in the mountains, We spent part in other places, we went places we did things, I learned to swim behind a beaver dam, I Cut myself with razor clams at the ocean and I dug Quahogs too, I picked Wild Concord grapes, wild blueberries and Strawberries, I swam too in Walden Pond where a famous person Wrote a book about life an the Frontier??, yes it was in Concord Mass, I have visited Robert Frost's home, i have sailed the whole East Coast, several times I have Hiked In the Sangre de Christo Mountains in Colorado and New Mexico, I have been in 42 different Countries I have been around the World, really! i have served in South East Asia, I have pulled lobster pots, I have milked cows, I have helped birth calves, I have bonded with a kitten, I have Bonded with 7 Geese I raised them, I was there when they hatched, I taught them, well, I showed them how to start flying, I helped them an encouraged them to learn how to swim, yes they have to be shown initially, I have had so much and done so many things, I really am thankful,

    What am I sitting here crying for? I really consider my self and my life a Failure! It is the way I have always thought of myself,
    I believe that is what others have thought of me as well, here I sit with no plans of dying but no plans of living either!
    Shrugs! I just know I should never talk about my past, I should never bring it up this is what happens, I guess I never learn!
    it is like this trap I fall into.
  4. robroy

    robroy Well-Known Member

    This post struck a chord in me because even though I'm only 20 I have still have moments where I feel it's "too late" for me to. sometimes I feel like it's too late to ever develop the social skills my friends have, to ever experience any sort of romantic relationship, and just to ever feel like I belong anywhere. It helps me to remember that I have no idea what the future looks like; I may live another 80 years, or I might die in an accident today. It sounds like you have had a lot of pretty cool experiences, and sometimes it helps me to remember those experiences and that there's always another great experience that makes life worth living between the really bad moments.
  5. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    I know! Right? I was wondering if you would see it, I have seen several people recently say it was to late for them some were younger then you, one was 2 times your age, so it makes a difference how old you are if it's too late? I think not!
    I have done lots more, but I have done some things too, that I wish I could say I didn't do or I wasn't there but to me it is mostly the good things I remember, you are right though, I have had and done some pretty cool things, o me at the time it was just a part of my life, looking back and talking to people, most have never done some of the things that I took for granted, Walden Pond today is A national Historic site back then it was a place I went swimming, I do remember seeing H. D. Thoreau's Cabin or a facsimile of it, I was not ignorant of these things, my mother made sure I knew history and some of the people in it! I guess life is as important as you want to make it, I am glad it struck a chord in you!. I have some I read like I said in my first post here they struck chords in me as well they sent me back into time to stir feelings I had put out of my mind!
    There is so much you can learn here, take advantage of it! Thank you robroy!
  6. ruined123

    ruined123 Member

    What a great thread, true-lee.
    I regret so much taking past relationships with women for granted, especially with a girl who really loved me about 4 years ago, and I was just an asshole to her. I also took my ex gf for granted and she obviously abandoned me. I wonder if she was the woman of my life.
    I also regret stopping looking for work three years ago and not continuing my education after I graduated in a major I disliked. My life could be completely different today if I had tried harder in the past.
  7. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Thank You, Not Totally Ruined, I hope you don't mind me taking liberty with your nick in here, I will try to make a point!
    three years? is that the time you have lost? that is one year more then I have been out of work! I know that times are hard, you have a degree? I don't know your age but between 25 & 27 maybe? are you physically incapacitated? I don't know where you are? You don't have to work in your field of study?
    On another subject I am glad to see that you realize you have made some mistakes, did you learn from them?
    I think you did from what you are saying, please do yourself a favor go make some phone calls, go out and look and see if someone needs help, even volunteer if necessary, I use to be a job coach and counselor back in the day, I have also washed dishes, I have cleaned floors, washed windows, I got a job on a construction site, I started as a laborer, in one month I was working in the Office, I ran the tool Crib for a short while, then I ran 5 of them, I was a Foreman on the job for a while then I was Operating a 30 ton crane, then I was operating a 100 ton crane, I went from $7.50 an hour to $37,50 an hour in 7 months,Double time and a half after 8 hour days, most days I worked 10 hour days! Today it is a little harder to get jobs like that, I know, there are still jobs out there, I am not saying that you can do that now but you have to have a job nowadays to get a job. Any kind of a job! So you might have to start at the bottom to get to the top! Not Totally Ruined, do you need help, ask, I know Animal shelters sometimes need people to walk dogs, clean cages, clean out pens, not only do you get a job possibly, you might meet someone that is looking for some one to do.......................? something else only part time only short term but You might meet someone else that is looking for............? I am glad to talk with you again and thank you for reading my post, I know food kitchens need help, I know that Food pantries need people to help set up take down and deliver food! Do you want to be a salesman? Have a better day! thanks again.
  8. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    I was just looking for someplace to write something, it was then I thought about you wanting a job where you worked alone, did not have much contact with people, how about watching things? Like maybe a security Guard or a night watchman, or even sitting watch on someones home? or watching their pets of even starting your own business doing a combination of these things? You never know when these opportunities will happen! Se even when I am not talking to you, I am thinking about you! lol! You might have a thing where you did spot checks on peoples homes or businesses, just a thought, I do have them sometimes! shrugs!
  9. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    I am so astute! I have talked about Autumn Leaves a lot lately how much I like them in different ways. how much I like someone with the name AutumnLeaves, things like that I was outside keeping my eyes on one of my cats, I looked down at the ground, it was covered with Fallen Autumn Leaves, I looked up I see these bight Yellows, Reds, of Maple Trees the rust colored Oaks and Beech Trees all the different hues and shades of these colors and I realize it is almost the middle of October, like I said earlier on another post, Columbus Day Weekend and I get hit again with my memories and start crying. I tried to get here last night and yesterday to write something similar but my mind and hands were busy so I put it in the back of mu mind and said, I will get it later. I guess this is later.

    I want so bad to end it, but I have things to do at the moment! I was going through a posting that someone else had made. it made me stop and look, Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live. I said how true, I have been dealing and thinking those thoughts a lot recently, I have Lost my Love and Appreciation for Beauty, those leaves, on the trees and on the ground!, The worst of it is, I was writing about fall and the leaves but outside I never noticed they had changed.
    The sound of A Child's Laughter, god what a sound that is! I can't and don't hear it any more, The Music, any, all, that I use to listen to, the hundreds an thousands of songs I have and have had, I thought of that when I was reading another post that she played the piano, I said ohhhh, I have not thought about it for years, I took piano lessons and was learning to play the Piano, back in the day I took them from a woman by the name of <personal info>, she was a back up pianist for Billy Holiday, in her younger days, she was a blues/jazz piano player in a bar that I was a bartender in, she as very old at the time she had problems with her hands but she sure could play that piano, she spent a lot of time with me to get me to where I could play, I wanted it so bad I could taste it. I had always loved the Piano, I went for lessons one day, she had died, I have never played the Piano again. after 14 years, I have never touched a keyboard again! So yes even the smallest things that I remember, My first cat, Thimbles The dog we had from the time I was born I think until she died at 14 years old Munday!, A cat that had kittens in bed with me when I was 2 years old, That was Dusty! I remember the touch of my grandmothers hand that had always touched my face, that died when I was 3 or 4 I don't know why I am writing these things down now? Yes I do, these are some of the things that I remember but the smell of the leaves,the sound they make when I am kicking them up while I am walking through trails in the woods. these are things that have died along with my love of them! those are my greatest loss. Can I feel anything anymore, Yes I feel Pain, that's what I feel most of my waking hours. UGH, I do ramble on don't I? some people say they apologize for it, for me, it's how I talk, rambling on!. I am not going to read what I wrote here, if I do I will probably delete it
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 12, 2015
  10. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    True-Lee, you are so observant of your surroundings, animals, people!

    Have you ever read The Giver by Lois Lowry? It is about a society that has eliminated pain and suffering. The novel explores how we cannot really have a sense of sadness if we don't/can't appreciate things first. To me, it seemed to examine the question, "Do we give up feelings entirely just so we never suffer?"

    And I've read somewhere else, "Don't cry because something is over. Rejoice because you had some time with it." And then there's "Quality, not quantity" in terms of what we experience and have in life. (A lot of cheesy old sayings to live by, huh? :D They actually help me sometimes, so I'm sharing them.)

    You see the beauty all around you. Do you know why it is triggering sadness these days? Has something specific happened that shifted your mind in this direction?

    Your ability to see and hear what is all around you is a gift. I hope you can build wonderful image memories rather than being snagged by the heavy feelings. ((hug))
  11. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    No I have not,read The Giver, I am still an avid reader so I might read it I saw nothing Cheesy in what i read, FYI!

    No I don't give up my feelings easily, I hold onto them. I did and I do rejoice, I can live every day in my mind in those times I had growing up, I remember being bucked off by Jack, the Shetland pony, I remember Rusty blowing out his belly on me when I would saddle him because he could, I could hardly pick up the saddle so it was easy for him to play with me, my best memories are before I could even saddle a horse or pony, I use to walk up to the pasture an dewy mornings, the air would be still but the birds an insects would be living their lives singing and buzzing, no one else was awake, I would find Fred an old Draft horse, they still used them back then, but he was retired to the pasture he was a big horse I could lay down on his back and fall asleep there, hearing the buzz of the insects an hearing Fred chomp the hay and grass as he ate it an just moved around the pasture slowly,I would be dreaming the things that a 4 5 or 6 year old child dreamed back in those days! Those are the things that I remember and loved the best, I can't create dreams anymore like I did back then, I am glad I still have those! They were Beautiful!

    I Cry now as I remember them, Thank you, Acy your saying what you did, made me remember those days and those times I can remember it was like it was last week or even yesterday, it could have been!
  12. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Alumni

    I did read the Giver. It portrayed a life that I would not want to live. Everything was decided for you. You did not really have to use your mind for much of anything. Not using your mind....now that would be a wasted life.

    Ruined, check out third shift jobs anywhere. There are usually very few people around. I loved it when I had one.

    True-Lee, you are bringing many memories back to me. When I still lived with my folks I had a pet parakeet named Dickie. Not the best name, but my dad said he would call it Banana if I didn't come up with one soon! We used to take Dickie and her cage outside when we sat on the patio. One day the neighbors cat came by. She was quite interested in the bird. She put her paws up on the cage to investigate. Dickie casually walked across her perch and bit the cat on her paw. Cat never bothered the bird again. Did not do much vacationing with the family. My dad was in the military. When he retired he did not want to travel anymore. I was only 11. I really missed the vacations. I do remember sitting out on that same patio in 1969. My dad got out some huge binoculars that sat on a tripod. He brought them back from the Korean War. We tried our hardest to see the astronauts. When we said we did....we were lying.

    Regarding lost opportunities. I have many too. The greatest, perhaps, is having lost the opportunity to love myself. I learned that I was unacceptable at a young age. And never unlearned it. But I do try and remind myself that as long as I am alive, perhaps I can still do it.

    Certainly there are opportunities that wind up being totally lost. But it seems that if we have the courage to let those go, we may be able to find new opportunities opening for us. True-Lee, you contribute so much to SF. Your suggesting and postings show immense thoughtfulness and caring. SF is an opportunity for you to share your experience and help others get through theirs. Someone said when one door is shut on you, another is opened. We just have to be observant enough to see the door, and brave enough to go through it.
  13. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Thank You, Not So SillyOldBear! I have had and experienced many opportunities, I did not see them as such at the time, tunnel vision perhaps. I don't know i can't be sure how or why i had them, I always felt that i was being tested or some stupid thing, maybe I was living in a dream world. All I can say is To Soon Old And Too Late Smart. It seemed to me that what ever I tried I could do, I have never mentioned that before but it seemed like that to me. Let me explain, I have never applied for a job and not gotten it! until this time I lost my Job after 17 years I had always gotten the Job I applied for, not only that, I was generally promoted within a short period of time, since I lost that job, I have not applied for another one! I can see people reading this and shaking their heads, I understand, I would to if I heard or read someone saying this but it's true. I will not even go any further on that but It is my life, it matters to no one else I contribute no more to SF then anyone else, I may have a different perspective then some but I imagine that occurs here on a regular basis, some ppl just stand out a little more, they are like a flash in the fire, then after a little while they are gone! I believe I may be just another one of many if I am even that! I really don't think I am all that important in the ebb and flow of things, I had one of my recent bosses tell me that I was an intimidating person, I looked at her and shook my head, I am not I said, I have never tried to intimidate, threaten, or harass people, I am a large man I was a large kid about the 10th grade before that I was bullied as being small and scrawny. It wasn't until I was at a different job one day when I wondered why people seemed to defer to me, I was curious so I asked some of the people that I worked with, they told me that it was how i carried myself, how i talked how I walked and how i acted, it was like I was confident that I was right when I said things and it just spread out like that no matter what I did, it was not a conscious act on my part, it was just how I was! excuse me let me correct that it was how i appeared!
    Most of my life I felt I was little and scared, I never spoke out never stood up for myself! but somehow through all of my life I assumed this Air of confidence, I don't know how else to describe it! I am just an ordinary person that somehow made it with a minimum of trouble and a little knowledge that i have acquired with an easy way of talking! Shrugs! no one special!

    lol I came here for another reason, now I forgot what it was Rolls Eyes!
  14. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Alumni

    Hi True-Lee, you were on my mind today. I stepped out of the office, looked down and saw this wonderful leaf. Not sure what kind it is, but it certainly is beautiful. All brown around the edges and red inside. It is like some laid an exact replica, only smaller and red, on top of the brown one. It is in a book being pressed right now.

    I do understand about work. You have put in your time. You don't want to do it anymore. I don't either, but I have been a fool. I did not save money. And just got a $900 bill for a colonoscopy and have $1000 crown to look forward to. It seems insurance companies don't cover colonoscopies unless they find a polyp inside. Blood and pain are not sufficient. But if I had played the game differently I would be both healthier and in much better condition financially. Truth is, I never expected to live this long. Not with my habits. It is rather disappointing. But I wish you could find a way to enjoy your retirement.

    You said everyone looked up to you at work. That happened to me once too. I was astounded. I was just doing my job. Should not be looked up to for that. And I don't think any of us are particularly important in the grand scheme of things. We live. We die. And hopefully leave the world a better place. Definitely not a worse place. And, with luck, and handful of people in the next generation will remember us. But eventually we will be forgotten. We all can't be Einstein's, Lincoln's or Tessla's. And that is good. This world has little heart for wisdom and leadership, but plenty for the puny like us. And I guess that is as it should be. It just is not possible for everyone to be a chief. And I really would not want to be one. The idea of fame horrifies me. I value my privacy too much.

    As for my talk about another door opening when one shuts....we'll I don't have the courage to open any new door unless I absolutely have to. Like finding a new job so I won't be homeless. I would not even own a computer if it wasn't necessary to find a job. I am not at all convinced that technology is a blessing.

    So nice getting to know you better. Hope you have a peaceful night.
  15. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Thank You, for thinking about me, I suspect that more people are getting to know me then I am getting to know them, I lay it all out, I don't hide anything, most in here speak in hide speak! lol
    some do it sometimes so that I can't understand what they mean! but that is alright, I can ask questions! I have not seen much of you, are you still working? There is so much, I seem to be talking to more people then before! I do feel driven, I seem to feel that I have to help! I am going to bed soon I just took my pills so I can sleep, I have to sleep now in a deep state or my nightmares will keep me awake! I hope that you are doing well and you are taking care of that FRISKY Teddy! lol have a good night an peace to you!
  16. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Alumni

    I am doing as well as can be expected. I am working. Poor income, but some pretty okay people. Its a finance company that finances products door to door salesmen sell. The salesmen do not work for us, but look to us to finance their sales. My 'frisky' teddy is like me. Too old to have much friskiness left. We just share a bed. Yep, I sleep with a teddy bear.

    May your pills bring you a restful sleep. And feel free to ask any questions you would like. I will not get offended. Of course I might not answer them all. :p Or might do so in a private conversation.
  17. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    hmmm> I was referring to a comment you made about your Teddy's attitude towards the other Teddy' s, that is all nothing moreI doubt if I would be sending you any questions of the sort! rolls eyes I don't know any bare Teddy's lol I must get to bed to sleep perchance to Dream! have a safe and restful one! restful one!
  18. ruined123

    ruined123 Member

    True Lee and SillyOldBear, I'm sorry I took so long to answer your responses to what I said. I'm feeling like I'm improving lately, I'm starting to take moves to get out of my stagnant situation. That involves me looking for work and perhaps getting back to studying, and even moving to another city, something I've been planning for quite some time. True, I love to read your stories, what you tell about your childhood is very touching. I feel nostalgic reading it, it's almost like I can feel the things you describe. Youre a good friend I found in this forum, a very sensitive and caring one.
    I also thank you for your response SillyOldBear, and for taking your time for reading what I wrote. I liked your suggestion, I definitely prefer to work alone. For what I've of your posts you seem like a great person and I'm very sorry for the hardships you're going with your health. I hope things are going OK with you at the moment. Wish you the best, friend
  19. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Alumni

    Ruined, I am glad to hear that things are looking a bit better for you. Hang on to that. There is usually a little bright spot to each low; sometimes its a very little one. But worth hanging onto. Shift work can be great. I have worked all three shifts. Second was the best. I had pretty normal sleep hours, yet still worked with very few people around. Some companies also pay extra for shift work. Am glad you are considering more studying. It seems that is something that can never stop. Not in this world of constant change. And if you move to another city, find one that will offer more opportunity. I don't mean to be a downer, but you really can't run away from your problems. They tend to come right along with you. But a carefully chosen place may open other doors.

    Thank you for your thoughts on my health. I am having to pay a huge amount on colonoscopy. Insurance wont pick it up unless they do find a polyp or cancer. So much for screening tests. Not much they can do for my issues. IBS, diverticulosis, hemorrhoids, or shifted colon because of surgical adhesions. It would have to get much worse to merit surgery. And I would prefer never to get cut on again!

    Best of luck.