If there was any one word to sum up my life thus far, which granted is only just nearing its 18th year, it would be regret. Every single day I live on regrets and past decisions; events and it drives my depressive nature and suicidal thoughts. At this point in my life I have no 'real' friends. There are people who would consider me a friend and I too would like to consider them a friend, but this is in the context of school, which as a 17 year old student tends to dominate my time. Outside of school there is nothing, absolutely positively nothing. Nothing so much as an acquaintance. This was not always the case. When I was around 10-13 I did do things, especially in the summertime like I suspect most children did. I would visit friends, they would visit me, it was ideal at least from this perspective. That all changed, I think slowly in a sense but in others more rapidly. I can only attribute this to one thing, something I have never spoken of, written of in any sort of private journal, or shared anonymously. I avoid even thinking about it. In suicide notes which I previously wrote to sort of express my internal feelings, never, at least not yet, for any intended delivery I did not touch on it or allude to it whatsoever. It brings me utmost shame, disgust, anger, resent, remorse, hatred, and much more so much so I intended to take it with me to my grave. But I now feel that ignoring it like I have doesn't allow me to identify the situation and move forward in life. Even now I continue to 'beat around the bush' and avoid getting to the point because I'm hoping the intended goal will be achieved before I dare identify it. Understand that every other sentence I have to stop and sit while I cry like I have never before because of all the emotions running through me right now. I was molested and it forever changed me. And, for some reason, I regret it as if it was my choice, I can't escape that. In that, everything I've become I blame on myself most of the time. I just needed to explain that before I move any further. From that point in my life on I became socially isolated. I no longer trust anyone, not even myself. I am positive everyone is out to get me and any time someone smiles, laughs, what have you I can guarantee you, or at least my mind can, that it is in a cynical manner towards me. Egocentric as it may be, it drove me mad. Anxiety is too mellow a word to describe my days anymore. Because of this my teen years were lived from inside my home. I kept myself busy here and there with television, the Internet, and miscellaneous toys and knick-knacks. For four years I have never once interacted with anyone outside of my home in that 'friendly' manner. I do not attend events even if they may interest me, I dread going to any public place, so on and so forth. Currently at this moment my biggest fear is that anyone reading will not understand, and despite what anyone can reply to me I will be sure that the majority is against me. It's unhealthy, illogical, and downright stupid but it is how I am now. And because of it I regret everything I have, or rather have not, done. I idealize the typical teenage lifestyle. I envy just hanging out as I did before, talking, playing games, whatever. I miss having fun with people my age outside of school, and yet I dread trying it again. Note that I can barely see with how much I am crying at this moment, words on a screen do not express how utterly devastated I am going through this, how many things are running through my mind; it hurts to breathe. I just want to do normal things, or rather wish I had. I don't really know how to interact with people anymore, I don't know how to 'hang out'. I have not the first clue, and due to my now apprehensive nature I can't imagine I ever will try. I feel so wasted and ruined, like my life has been destroyed by that great change in me. Part of me believes perhaps this just is how I am, perhaps nothing caused this nor spurred it. I don't know what the fuck I am doing, I am essentially at this time losing control with my writing, my eyes are closed as tears run down my face and I am typing away as everything comes to mind. I have no idea what I am doing, I don't know what to sv nor do i care. I just want to go back so terribly bad, I want to set back time and start over, I know I can do better I just want that fucking chance, it is so goddamned un cfair.