Regret

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Rullemus, Apr 2, 2009.

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  1. Rullemus

    Rullemus New Member

    People regret after swallowing their pills. People regret after jumping from the building. I regret I never did anything about my cancer.

    So here's my story, which I've never ever told anyone before. Except a member here on the forum through PM:
    As long as I can remember, my father has been a drunk. He gets violent and verbally abusive, he has never beaten me nor my brothers though.
    This went on for years. Already at the age of 11, I attempted hanging myself with a belt. Clumsy as I am, that didn't turn out too well.

    I was broken mentally. And it started getting in the way of school. I started skipping school, because I was physically tired after listening to my father yelling all night. I used to walk to some sort of mountain, with view over the town. Just sit there and yeah, smoke to pass the time.
    3 years ago I found out I had cancer. And I decided not to get it treated, as I was sick of life. I had no future.

    Then I met my girlfriend, the love of my life, and she still is.
    I was happy with her, and I never even thought of the cancer. My mind just blocked it away, until recently.
    Im now starting to feel the effects of the cancer. I've dropped 10KG. Going from 69kg to 59.
    Everyone notices how skinny I've turned. And I do regret I never got the cancer treated. I've read alot about cancer, and it seems the cancer have spread way too much throughout 3 years, to be treated.
    Every time my girlfriend and I speak about getting married, having kids.. I know none of that will ever happen. She dont.

    I've decided to keep it away from her and my family, because she has some sort of depression aswell, from her also drunk father.
    I am everything in her life, and she is everything in mine. It breaks my heart not to be able to tell her the truth, but Im afraid she'll hurt herself, thinking she was the cause of this 'passive suicide'. So I just want her to think I went away naturally.

    Every night I go to sleep, I wish I never wake up.
    I just want to get it over with, even though I regret not getting treated.

    Being naive 3 years ago, cost me my life.
    I will never be a husband. Nor will I be a father.:sad:
     
  2. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    :sad: I'm truely very sorry this is happening to you.

    Have you talked to several doctors to make sure there is nothing that can be done?
     
  3. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    ah hun thats hard. how old are you now? have you gone back to the doctors just to see if they can do anything?
    they would at least give your a prognosis on how long you have left.
    i'm sorry your going through this :hug:
     
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Your girlfriend deserves to know the truth. You said you have read up on cancer but have you been back to the doctor or seen an oncologist? Maybe things aren't as they seem. Let your girlfriend support you. Give her the choice. I know I would want it. :hug:
     
  5. Rullemus

    Rullemus New Member

    I haven't been back to the doctor after being diagnosed. Honestly, Im afraid of knowing.

    And I don't want to take the risk with my girlfriend. I love her too much, and I dont wan't her to think it's her fault. Nor do I want her to bother her mind with it.
    I know she'll take it differently if I pass away naturally, then telling her I've known this the entire time.

    And I turn 18 in about 3 months. A bit early for the love of my life, but trust me. It's real :)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 2, 2009
  6. *sparkle*

    *sparkle* Staff Alumni

    wow - you were 14 when you were diagnosed and nobody made you get treatment :mellow:

    as I said in PM the only way forward if you want that future that you didn'tpreviously want is to go get help now. And I think your GF should know - she will find out at some point. Cancer is debilitating.

    :hug:
     
  7. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    well at 14, your parents really should have been told, i dont know if tahts malpractice or not.... :unsure:

    but i would siggest goign back, it could maybe not be to late you never know, each person is different.... i kow its slim, but if you really want to be with your GF then you would try
     
  8. Rullemus

    Rullemus New Member

    As I told sparkle in PM; it was a 'anonymous clinic for teenagers'. We have a few of them here.
    Once I was diagnosed, they sent a letter to my parents to my homeaddress. But I guarded the mailbox that week, and swapped the letter.

    I think Ill go see a doctor next week actually. Ill try to keep you posted. If not, the cancer already got me, heh.

    Thanks for the support everyone :). Feels weird letting this off my chest after so many years.
     
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