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Regrets

MosesY

Functioning Alcoholic
SF Supporter
#1
My regrets from the past keep going through my mind. This makes me welcome death. I have made a covenant with myself; I will never end my own life. On the other hand I welcome death. I don't really wish to live. I make up for that in some sense by helping other people and doing what I can for them. My life is hell and when I die I am going to hell. I welcome a car accident that kills me, a random shooting, a heart attack. It would put me out of my misery. I am Bipolar NOS and when I get a little manic I do stupid things. I am on Lithium as a mood stabilizer and Latuda as an anti-psychotic. I have had psychotic episodes where I hear God talking to me, that I am the anti-christ with the number 666. Plus I have all these regrets from my past actions. Stupid things I did. My daughters won't talk to me any more (I never abused them in any way, I love them). I am divorced because of some of the stupid things I did. I will pick up a thought in the morning and think about it all day at work about a stupid thing I did. I drink a lot. I have a huge tolerance for alcohol. Right now I am sipping on a double of rum and drinking a beer. I do not get drunk. How do I switch my mind from the regrets of the past to a bright future? I tried therapy, all they did was to tell me to quit drinking. I will not quit drinking, it is the one thing I have left. I am a high functioning alcoholic.
 
#2
when I die I am going to hell
I don't think that's true
I have had psychotic episodes where I hear God talking to me, that I am the anti-christ with the number 666
That must be really horrible to experience that. I think you're nice though. I don't think it's really possible that voices are true, but maybe rather a reflection of your inner fears.
My daughters won't talk to me any more (I never abused them in any way, I love them)
You're welcome to say more about that if you'd like to
How do I switch my mind from the regrets of the past to a bright future?
One perspective is that the past is just a memory experienced in the present. The future is just a projection of our hopes and fears. I'm not necessarily on board with this point of view, but it emphasizes just being in the present.

Another approach might be to make a list of things that you are grateful for. That can be tough if you don't want to live, but you can be grateful for both good things that happened, and bad things that could have happened but didn't.

I tried therapy, all they did was to tell me to quit drinking
Do you know what style of therapy this was? You could try learning CBT on your own. A member here has recommended The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr. David Burns.

I will not quit drinking, it is the one thing I have left
If you can develop something good in your life, then maybe you'll be able to let go of drinking eventually
 
#3
My regrets from the past keep going through my mind. This makes me welcome death. I have made a covenant with myself; I will never end my own life. On the other hand I welcome death. I don't really wish to live. I make up for that in some sense by helping other people and doing what I can for them. My life is hell and when I die I am going to hell. I welcome a car accident that kills me, a random shooting, a heart attack. It would put me out of my misery. I am Bipolar NOS and when I get a little manic I do stupid things. I am on Lithium as a mood stabilizer and Latuda as an anti-psychotic. I have had psychotic episodes where I hear God talking to me, that I am the anti-christ with the number 666. Plus I have all these regrets from my past actions. Stupid things I did. My daughters won't talk to me any more (I never abused them in any way, I love them). I am divorced because of some of the stupid things I did. I will pick up a thought in the morning and think about it all day at work about a stupid thing I did. I drink a lot. I have a huge tolerance for alcohol. Right now I am sipping on a double of rum and drinking a beer. I do not get drunk. How do I switch my mind from the regrets of the past to a bright future? I tried therapy, all they did was to tell me to quit drinking. I will not quit drinking, it is the one thing I have left. I am a high functioning alcoholic.
Hi there...your post in some weird way may have saved my life. I like your idea of making a covenant with yourself that you will not end your own life but would welcome death. I am not sure that I necessarily welcome it but I can say that I no longer fear it as I am already living in hell though to the outside world I appear to have it all. I wake up in the morning only to look forward to going to bed...I was never like this until I experienced trauma 3 years ago. If someone told me then that I would be writing this I would have thought that they were crazy. I hurt one person in particular, not physically, but nonetheless hurt. They have forgiven me but I cannot forgive myself. If not for my husband and children I would not be here As they would be destroyed if I left, as I feel worthless, though like you I try to help people every day. I am ashamed of myself and do not even know what normal is anymore. I will never be who I used to be. Unfortunately, I do not have any words of wisdom, just know that you are not alone.
 

MosesY

Functioning Alcoholic
SF Supporter
#4
Hi there...your post in some weird way may have saved my life. I like your idea of making a covenant with yourself that you will not end your own life but would welcome death. I am not sure that I necessarily welcome it but I can say that I no longer fear it as I am already living in hell though to the outside world I appear to have it all. I wake up in the morning only to look forward to going to bed...I was never like this until I experienced trauma 3 years ago. If someone told me then that I would be writing this I would have thought that they were crazy. I hurt one person in particular, not physically, but nonetheless hurt. They have forgiven me but I cannot forgive myself. If not for my husband and children I would not be here As they would be destroyed if I left, as I feel worthless, though like you I try to help people every day. I am ashamed of myself and do not even know what normal is anymore. I will never be who I used to be. Unfortunately, I do not have any words of wisdom, just know that you are not alone.
Thank you for the reply and encouragement. I appreciate your honesty. Your husband and children really need you although I am sure some days do not feel like that. The feeling of not forgiving myself is very familiar to me.
 

MosesY

Functioning Alcoholic
SF Supporter
#5
I don't think that's true

That must be really horrible to experience that. I think you're nice though. I don't think it's really possible that voices are true, but maybe rather a reflection of your inner fears.
I was raised very religious, brain washed, the Holy Spirit is very real to me, the spirit of God. It seems very real because of my background.

I
You're welcome to say more about that if you'd like to
I was addicted to porn at one time and I am sure my ex told my daughters about it. I am 167 days free from porn now. I read the book "Your Brain On Porn" and realized what it was doing to my social life. I have a journal on Reboot Nation and get help from the guys there. I attend meetings for addicts and get help there. I am finally getting the help I need after I have already wrecked my life. Alcohol is a replacement for porn. I drink alone, not at bars, and I choose how much to drink so I do not get drunk. I do not know for sure why my daughters do not talk to me, I still write letters to one of them and occasionally get one back, but I am sure they do not talk to me because of my twisted past. If they knew me as I am now I think they would accept me.

I
One perspective is that the past is just a memory experienced in the present. The future is just a projection of our hopes and fears. I'm not necessarily on board with this point of view, but it emphasizes just being in the present.

Another approach might be to make a list of things that you are grateful for. That can be tough if you don't want to live, but you can be grateful for both good things that happened, and bad things that could have happened but didn't.
I used to post on Facebook 5 things I am grateful for every morning. Maybe I should start doing that again.
 

Winslow

Siamese Twin
SF Supporter
#6
@MosesY
While I sympathize with your emotion of regret, I can also say from past experiences in My life that what I used to regret, led to strange twists and turns that finally led me to attaining my fondest goal. My lifelong struggle was worth it after all. I saw from another different thread that whatever we experience is all part of our spiritual walk.
 
#7
I was raised very religious, brain washed, the Holy Spirit is very real to me, the spirit of God. It seems very real because of my background.
Well, I guess believing that those things exist is one thing, and believing that you are a particular being is another. Even if you are completely convinced that there is an anti-christ, you don't seem like a good candidate for the job. You seem like a pretty nice guy who's had some struggles in life, not some evil force. Do you think it's possible to see what you are experiencing as a mental health issue?
I am 167 days free from porn now
I'm glad you've been porn free
I do not know for sure why my daughters do not talk to me, I still write letters to one of them and occasionally get one back, but I am sure they do not talk to me because of my twisted past. If they knew me as I am now I think they would accept me.
I wonder if family therapy would be an option. Or maybe an individual counselor could advise you on how to reconnect with your daughters. The fact that you at least occasionally get a reply is a hopeful sign.

I used to post on Facebook 5 things I am grateful for every morning. Maybe I should start doing that again
That sounds good :)
 
#8
Regrets are one thing, and the booze is another. Without knowing your full situation, I will give you the simple answer on both;

With substance abuse, you basically need to find something to live for or replace the (temporary)happiness that the substance gives you with something (more permanent) that keeps you going instead. I know that's very vague, but it's the general thought I have based on my experience. All the people/therapists don't realize that if someone quits cold turkey, then most likely they're just going to go back to it without something/someone to stop them.

On the regrets, maybe look at it this way. If it was not your fault, than take it with a grain of salt, feel a little bad about it, then forget it because it really wasn't your choice under the circumstances you were given, now was it? Have to get in routine reminding yourself that, and eventually they should fade or not bother you. If it WAS your fault, realize it was, do not blame anyone else. Make up for it the best you can/apologize, do a good effort to make right, and then move on with that guilt. Once you know you have done the best you can righting a wrong from the past, yes the scar(s) will still be there but that's all you can do. You already did what you were supposed to do, then move on, put it in the rear view mirror.

I'm choosing to leave the religion thing alone at this time, but hope the other stuff helps. peace
 

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