My regrets from the past keep going through my mind. This makes me welcome death. I have made a covenant with myself; I will never end my own life. On the other hand I welcome death. I don't really wish to live. I make up for that in some sense by helping other people and doing what I can for them. My life is hell and when I die I am going to hell. I welcome a car accident that kills me, a random shooting, a heart attack. It would put me out of my misery. I am Bipolar NOS and when I get a little manic I do stupid things. I am on Lithium as a mood stabilizer and Latuda as an anti-psychotic. I have had psychotic episodes where I hear God talking to me, that I am the anti-christ with the number 666. Plus I have all these regrets from my past actions. Stupid things I did. My daughters won't talk to me any more (I never abused them in any way, I love them). I am divorced because of some of the stupid things I did. I will pick up a thought in the morning and think about it all day at work about a stupid thing I did. I drink a lot. I have a huge tolerance for alcohol. Right now I am sipping on a double of rum and drinking a beer. I do not get drunk. How do I switch my mind from the regrets of the past to a bright future? I tried therapy, all they did was to tell me to quit drinking. I will not quit drinking, it is the one thing I have left. I am a high functioning alcoholic.