Relapse, again

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Rose24, Aug 14, 2009.

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  1. Rose24

    Rose24 Chat & Forum Buddy

    It doesn’t end, it just doesn’t stop. Anorexic and recovered. Bulimic and recovered-till things get tough again and then I go back to purging, not even binging, and just purging. It just makes me feel better, in the same way that cutting does.

    That was a few months ago, then I became incredibly depressed and lost my appetite, I am coming out of that now, but I still cant eat-not even just physically, in the sense that my stomach has shrunk and eating makes me feel nauseous, but I just don’t want to, I tell myself I don’t need it, and I feel “good” for denying myself it.

    Gaining weight was the toughest thing I have ever had to do and I don’t want to go back to where I was when I was anorexic but a part of me still wants to starve. I don’t know how I can change that. How do I change who I am and how I feel? I want to be normal, I just don’t know how to recover.

    I really need your help.

    Rose
     
  2. rosalee

    rosalee Well-Known Member

    :hug: That's what's so horrible about eating disorders. They sink their claws into us, and they warp our ideas about what's "healthy" -- so we're proud of ourselves for starving, and we beat ourselves for being "weak" enough to give in to our basic physical needs.

    I don't know what to say, other than I'm grateful for all the kind things you've said to me, and I think you deserve to be well. I think your kindness proves that you are a beautiful person, and the fact that you've been around for so long means that you're strong enough to fight this. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you.
     
  3. Rose24

    Rose24 Chat & Forum Buddy

    Thank you Andy :hug: your kind words mean a lot to me. The truth is that I am losing hope with everything; the eating is just a small part; I just feel so tired with it all, and I don’t think I can fight much longer; yes, I have been going a long time and I am exhausted. I just want it all to stop but I know that it is just the way I am and I cannot come to terms with that. Sometimes it feels like death is the way out of this. A cop out - yes, I am a coward for thinking that way, but I just don’t have the energy to face it all anymore.

    Nila-Rose
     
  4. Little_me

    Little_me Well-Known Member

    I'm in the same situation. I don't know what to do anymore..

    Rose, I really hope that you'll come through this.
     
  5. Rose24

    Rose24 Chat & Forum Buddy

    I hope you do too dear, I am here to listen if you need me :hug:
     
  6. savetoniqht

    savetoniqht Well-Known Member

    Recovering and then going back down the same path is, in my opinion, even harder than living with it in the first place. I can't think of a time when I could confidently say I've completley "recovered," because I still have trouble believing that's possible, but I've definitely had some times where things were better than others. Knowing that you were so close, that you were better, and now you're not, is even harder in my opinion. I'm (hopefully) in the opposite direction now, forcing myself to go through "recovery" (whatever that even means anymore). I think you just need to try your best and rather than thinking how before you were "better" and now you're not in a negative way, think about it positively. You've beaten this before and you can do it again. Wish I had more words of wisdom for you, but all I can really offer is support. I really hope things work out.
     
  7. lonercarrot

    lonercarrot Well-Known Member

    I don't know anything about you, but the reason I got better was because I moved back in with family. When I was alone I felt free to do whatever I wanted, so my issues with food and self image escalated and I was able to comfortably starve myself (and even binge when I needed too ;_; ) without fearing my family noticing. Also I think that just being around people can be therapeutic. There are more reasons being around my family helped me, reasons that I won't go into, but what I'm suggesting is to surround yourself with people (if you aren't already doing that).

    Isolating myself was my downfall, I'm sure it's the same with others
     
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