Relapse into suicidal thought

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Fox in the Woods, Sep 2, 2010.

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  1. Fox in the Woods

    Fox in the Woods Active Member

    So....gradually after the Crisis team left after the last attempt I have been slipping back into suicidal thought. At first it was just low self esteem and then it turned into full blown hating myself. It has gotten to the point when I can't sleep, I can't eat and I can't take care of myself. For some reason I can sort of carry on with uni and work...I suppose because I think that I have to keep up face. But yesterday I messed up and let everyone know how I was really thinking because I was stressed.

    I got angry and upset because I was being tutored in statistics (which I failed last semester) by this guy who was calling me at 2am even though I don't know him from a bar of soap. And then I lost my favourite scarf. And I haven't seen any of my supposed friends for ages and I feel so alone but they don't want to talk to me because they are too busy with their own perfect lives. And then I had to talk to my lecturer about not wanting to do a class presentation because I clam up and can't get anything out if I have to do them. That's when I cracked. I started full on crying in front of her. She took me up to her office and I told her everything. About the rape. About feeling like a freak and everyone hates me. About having nobody to trust other than my psych who has her own problems.

    She then from there took me to the student counselling where I met a woman who gave me two choices: either you call the crisis team and go into hospital or you sign a agreement that you won't kill yourself. I chose to sign the agreement.

    Well obviously I stuck to it because I am here typing this. But it was hard because my dad was just completely rude and nasty about it and my mum freaked out and doesn't understand why. My little brother suggested I should kill myself just to spite the woman who made me sign the agreement. By the time that I saw the counsellor again today, I was in such a state that she called the crisis team and my mum who was pissed off because she was at work and gets embaressed by this whole issue. The crisis team has made me make a verbal agreement that I won't kill myself. I'm supposed to call them if I feel worse tonight.

    I have an appointment with my psychologist tomorrow. She says she wants me to make a list of all the things that need to happen if I am to get better. I haven't done that. I don't know what needs to happen. I have no options. I can't escape to any one elses house because I have no friends or family that understand. I just want everything to stop. I can't live like this anymore. But things won't change because my family won't change and they are the ones that are hurting me the most at the moment.

    I feel optimistic about tomorrow but I don't know if I should because every attempt to get better has failed.
     
  2. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    :hug: I hope you can relax and feel better today. I can completely understand about breaking down under stress. I want to do it everyday, however, I can't. I think that is just the male side of me. You know surpressing any and All weak emotions. Well that and I know that any break down will result in maybe a day or two off before I get a call from work. I also know I would just be told to take a day off. If I was lucky two. I would still be charged vacation time for them as Well. Not to mention rumors would spread. I have a gossipy roommate who would tell the office I was taking time off to relax so I could be less suicidal. There is no one in my office who is understanding of suicide either. 90% of the office says "People who want to die should do just that" so I would be outcasted in the office even further.

    Parents suck when it comes to suicide. Most do not know how to handle it. I told my mom I regretted not going through with my plan out of spite. Otherwise I keep my family in the dark. I do not need them stressing out because that stresses out me.

    Hang tough hun, I am right there struggling with you.
     
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