Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Ilak, Sep 29, 2014.

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  1. Ilak

    Ilak Member

    I used to be a cutter. I am covered with scars from cutting. I haven't cut in about nine years.

    Except Saturday. I broke my record.

    Horrifying, horrible, nasty relapse. So upset with myself. Why?

    Yet, I'm fighting against the urge to do it again, do it more, do it worse................

    Bad week, understatement of the decade.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Glad you are reaching out here then instead of harming yourself. Post here ok or go to chat and talk to people who do understand you do not have to harm you hugs
  3. Ilak

    Ilak Member

    Again, and worse. Why am I doing this? Because I need to prove that I hurt... prove it so someone will help me. But nobody is helping me.
  4. Ilak

    Ilak Member

    No cutting for nine years, now three times in a week and a half. I'm so discouraged. So mad at myself. But so wanting to do it again and worse.
  5. soapymongoose

    soapymongoose Well-Known Member

    This hits home with me, unfortunately I haven't got much in the way of decent advice though. It does seem that the more one needs help, the less likely people are to listen/take you seriously. And that really sucks. A lot. I found myself cutting a few weeks ago and want, like you, to carry on. It's as though the time in between episodes matters not, it was roughly 5 years I lasted being self harm free yet it may as well have been the same week for what I felt at the time. Sometimes you have to take things from one breath to the next and class each one as a small win.
  6. Ilak

    Ilak Member

    Yes, yes, yes. It feels like I never stopped. I did it a few times. Now I have, what, a month of "wins", not doing it. Doesn't match the decade of not doing it. I'm back a decade ago again tonight.

    But "win"? I'm having a hard time seeing not doing it as a win. If I could keep feeling that, maybe I could not do it. But it doesn't feel like a win right now.

    Fighting it hard... but why? Why fight?
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello Ilak. You did not self harm for 9 years, so you were obviously doing something right in those nine years, or they were less stressful etc... I've read all your posts on this thread but you have not mentioned why you have started cutting again? What was the trigger? Usually when you find the trigger if you can work on the trigger the impulses will ease off. But in saying that I don't know you or anything about you just merely try to offer some support to you and a friendly ear!

    Kind regards,,Petal.
  8. th3silent0ne

    th3silent0ne Well-Known Member

    2 years ago before I was in the hospital I cut non stop. It was the only way I could relieve my pain. Up until this week I held back (minus a few slips). I know it's not the same as 9 years free. But this week I started falling apart and I was cutting every night. And I hate myself for it. I don't need more scars to hide. Also when I seeked out help it got me nowhere. I question professionals. I guess in that moment nothing matters. You just do it. And regret later. I have no helpful advice, I can just relate to the feeling.
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