Well, for one, I feel like an idiot. How many times does one have to make the same mistakes, while fully aware of the consequences, before they decide not to make those mistakes anymore? Every time I somewhat start to get back on my feet again and stay clean for a good period of time, it's like I become bored or something. I killed off so many of my dopamine receptors shooting heroin that it's so difficult to find pleasure/excitement in normal everyday things. So, eventually, just living a normal life starts to become dull. Although, I can't say it's completely normal because I'm still stuck on freaking Suboxone. So technically, I haven't felt complete normalcy in quite some time now. I'm so tired of being stuck on that stupid medication, unable to bring myself any further down than 1mg without suffering severe withdrawals that I can't handle. Because of that, I failed trying to get off of it a number of times in the past. However, I've refused to allow myself to give up, and decided to try a new approach which allows me to measure smaller doses than 1mg. I'm now on .75mg. Although, the fact that I relapsed on heroin again obviously didn't help matters. I didn't go up on my dose, I'm still at .75, but am now going to have to stay there longer than I had hoped. That's just one issue, though. There are many more. Like the fact that opiates cause me to have recurrent intestinal blockages, which put me in excruciating pain, and is why I'm trying to get off Suboxone in the first place, even though I'm obviously not mentally ready to do so, or I wouldn't have relapsed. But it's not like I have much of a choice in the matter. My only two choices are stop taking Suboxone, or be in pain. I've tried obtaining a middle ground many a time, but to no avail. However, while knowing that merely using Suboxone puts me in pain sometimes, I had the bright idea of shooting heroin, which is a lot more potent than Suboxone. Thus, almost immediately causing yet another blockage which I almost went to the hospital for...again. Not to mention, I've missed a couple of days of school now because of said pain. So yeah, to be honest, I'm not sure what my end game is here...why I continue doing these things to myself. Maybe I'm not going to be fully satisfied until I completely ruin my life, I'm not sure. Although, if that's the case, I'm not sure why I even bother trying to put my life back together, only to completely fuck it up for myself again eventually. I was hoping maybe writing this post would help me make more sense of things, but no, not so much. I couldn't even honestly tell you whether that one day of escaping from myself was worth everything it caused. The logical answer, of course, would be no, considering that I'm hating all the repercussions of it...but who the hell knows. 'Cause if the answer was really "no", the logical solution would be to stop doing it. You would think, anyway.