Someone offerred me a xanax today and it took everything I had to turn it down. I literally bit my tongue down to force myself to say no. Before that happened I thought to myself damn, how great would it be to start doing pills again? It's like how I want to black out again. I guess I just want that numbness and escape from my feelings. I have been thinking about using again so much. I want to say fuck sobriety so I can go crazy with drugs again because I was so fucked up I couldn't think about or feel my problems. I am ashamed about thinking about using but happy I didn't act on it.