relapse

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by shermana55, Apr 12, 2012.

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  1. shermana55

    shermana55 Active Member

    I can feel myself slipping back into a deep depression. It always happens when I hand my heart to someone. The fear of my boyfriend leaving me is unbearable, I spend my days hung up in worry, in anticipation of him leaving, and in a way, it's a self-fulfilled prophecy. This is my sad, pitiful, pattern, of unintentionally sabotaging every relationship due to my fear of losing them, fear of my feelings. I want to leave this world so I can escape this pain. So I can escape hearing the words that to me feel like a death sentence, that I'm not good enough. I've been on pristiq for about 3 months but I can feel its effects slowly deteriorating. No drug can shy the invetiable away, no drugs can make me the girlfriend I want to be. No drugs can keep me here planted firmly in sanity, planted firmly on this earth. I'm sturggling with the thought of leaving it all, all of it behind, I'm giving up. The monotony of everyday is too much for me to bear.
     
  2. pppqp

    pppqp Well-Known Member

    hi there shermana. in my opinion, your insecurity and fear will drive him further away. is he aware of this fear of yours?
    to be completely honest, romantic relationships are not the only source of happiness (even tho i know so well how love can change a person -- from a person who has absolutely nothing to live for to a happiest person on earth)
    look around yourself and you will find many little things that also give meanings to your life... the greenness of the trees, the beautiful sky, a small act of kindness toward those in need... and much more.

    have you talked about the anxiety, especially on this particular subject with your pdoc and that pristiq doesn't work well for you?
     
  3. shermana55

    shermana55 Active Member

    Thank you for your kind and true words. He is very aware of this fear of mine, although I try to conceal it....but my anxiety always has its way of coming out of hiding and revealing itself to him. I have discussed the anxiety and relationship topics with my pdoc but now her words seem foreign and unfamiliar because the fear and anxiety has set in...I'm just in a lost state of panic and hopelessness
     
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