So i relapsed after 3 months. 3 months wasted, down the drain so to speak. There wasn't even a specific reason I just woke up and did it. I can't really remember doing it, unlike the other times where it was quick and I remembered every part and always stopped myself. This time was different, it lasted so long and I can't remember doing it. I just remember towards the end where I stopped, came back to reality. This time scared me. I don't usually sh that bad, I don't scar from it. Until this time. I'm terrified. I don't want another relapse like that, I'm scared the next one will be worse. I don't want to lose myself but it feels like I'm already getting swallowed up by it.