Relapsed (possible trigger?)

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Buggsy2008, Mar 31, 2009.

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  1. Buggsy2008

    Buggsy2008 Well-Known Member

    Not sure if you've seen my recent posts about feeling like i'd almost beaten it. I thought it had only been 6 months since the last time but it worked out to be 10. With all the stress of getting kicked out my mind must have got muddled up.

    Anyway, the last week or so i've been getting the urge to cut. I've not been upset or stressed or anything. So i just distracted myself. On Saturday I appeased the urge by getting a new piercing, sometimes that has been enough in the past, also i really wanted a new piercing lol.

    Then tonight I went to bed at about 10pm (tues) and woke up around 2.30am (weds technically) with the urge to cut. No upset or stress, just felt like an itch that needed scratching.

    So I gave in. Not deep ones, it never is to begin with, especially if i'm in 'control' just deep enough to bleed ever so slightly and hurt. Although i barely feel it at the time, just when it stings afterwards. The deep ones are usually when im not in control and let my emotions take over.

    I dont feel upset, angry or disappointed in myself like you would expect. If anything I feel numb, nuetral. Peaceful even. I seriously do not feel anything right now. It's a bizzare feeling.

    I should be worried about having some kind of emotional detatchment, but do not even feel this. Im confused as to why I feel nothing, but again, I dont actually feel confused if you see what I mean.

    I dont know what this means, whether it's a one off or the beginning of a downward spiral is yet to be seen.
  2. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    well it happened to me. After a long time to not do it, i gave myself to it again(im talking about 1 year ago)
    when i started doing it again, i understood that i was doing it for the urge itself, not for feeling sad, angry or anything like it. i do it when my body asks for it, and trust me is even more often than it should i guess.
    this year i ve come to realize i have the urges, even when im happy. Like an addiction, i cant stop, but i dont want to stop, i guess its because it feels so good. or because im doing it for myself and not for any feelings i have kept inside. like sex for lust.

    i dont know if this is whats happeining to u, but i hope u find your way out of this. not because i dont like it, just because i know how people feels bad about it, and how ive seen lives falling apart for it.

    just take care of yourself :hug:
  3. Buggsy2008

    Buggsy2008 Well-Known Member

    Thanks :hug:

    I'm not sure if that's what's happening with me. It's never been like this before so i'm still figuring it out. I'm up my aunts for a few days, to stop me from doing it, as i wont risk it here incase she see's.

    I hate not having anyone to talk to properly about it. I don't like unloading on people cos everyone has their own problems.
  4. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    well i am here :hug: tell me how are u feeling now?
  5. Buggsy2008

    Buggsy2008 Well-Known Member

    The same as last night... kind of numb... not feeling anything. It's really bizarre.
  6. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    just try oelax and enjoy the time with your family, go out for a walk and try to entertain yourself
  7. Buggsy2008

    Buggsy2008 Well-Known Member

    Dont have much to do with family. Only a couple of them. . i am all relaxed, im kind of neutral. No happy emotion and no sad.

    Which is why i cant understand the urge to cut.
  8. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    the body in need of endorphines i guess :D
  9. Buggsy2008

    Buggsy2008 Well-Known Member

    Could be lol... wish my body could find something else to keep it occupied though lol
  10. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    thats up to you to look for :p have u tried to write'? or to walk? it does help a lot when u are feeling numb
  11. Buggsy2008

    Buggsy2008 Well-Known Member

    I do write, but lately i've gone off it a bit and can't seem to get back into it.

    I'm sure i'll find something to distract me. I'm just hoping I don't go back to how I used to be.
  12. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

  13. Buggsy2008

    Buggsy2008 Well-Known Member

    thanks :hug:

    I've been thinking about it and i've decided that I can't go through the whole stress of stopping again. It was so hard in the beginning and the last 10 months have been taken one day at a time... and the slightest amount of stress or upset had me worrying about relapsing.

    Why should I have to constantly fight it.. I know it's wrong but surely if I keep some control over it.. but then it could get out of control..

    Im going to just accept that it is a part of who I am and no amount of fighting will change that. I tried to stop, and it didnt work.. There was no stress or upset to trigger me this time.. Just my mind/body craving it's release.

    Im going to give in to the urges. Im not strong enough to fight it anymore.
  14. hammockmonkey

    hammockmonkey Well-Known Member

    That's good, I mean when somethings hard to do it's probably not worth doing.
  15. Buggsy2008

    Buggsy2008 Well-Known Member

    Not always, I've never been one to give uo because it's hard.. but in this case i've tried my best and still failed.. So i'm admitting defeat.. for now at least :)
  16. Buggsy2008

    Buggsy2008 Well-Known Member

    I am so glad the site's working again! It seemed like it was down forever!

    I'm still cutting, the last time was last night. The time before that was Friday night. Both times there was no logical reason for me to do it.

    I wasn't upset or stressed, and afterwards there was no guilt or remorse or anything.

    I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that this is something that I do and there's no use fighting it.

    No idea what the point in this post is, just helps me work it out in my head I suppose.. and maybe help someone else, I don't know.
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