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Relapsing after 3 years, keep dwelling on suicide

Stroop

New Member
#1
After a rough patch my MH has been fine for a few years, I got a job, everything was OK. On the up, anyway, mostly.

Hit 40 a few weeks ago. It hit me hard. Been off work for 5 weeks. My brother had to come collect me from home a few times (I live alone). Incoherent with despair, crying. Needing to be kept under supervision.

I've not been that bad for weeks now. But I'm still not good, my mind keeps settling on suicide, I've got a few attempts in my history, all clumsy and didn't lead to any lasting damage. But I obsess and refine my plans. I'm unlikely to do anything right now as my mum and dad are still alive, but right now not wanting to bereave them is literally the only thing keeping me alive. I don't want to be here any more. I look at my life and all I see is regret and disappointment and failure, and I can't bear much more of this. I can't.

I was a bright kid but my poor mental health threw everything out of whack, and combined with the trauma of growing up gay in the 80s-90s... my eldest brother is very materially sucessful, the middle one has had problems with his own MH but still has a family, daughters, a pension, a mortgage. Almost all my friends have been very sucessful in their careers, they are financially secure and some of them quite wealthy. Many of them now have partners.

I live alone in a house my mum and dad own. I've been single for nearly 20 years. I hve no real pension, no savings, despite an advanced degree I work in a below-average earnings job with school leavers. I see no hope in my future. I really, I really don't. It's all just been fail, fail, fail, and lonliness. I don't even have any friends where I live - I had to move out of my previous home and city in 2014, when a breakdown tore my life apart. I can't see them because of the pandemic.

I've been doing so well. My parents must be terrified. I just keep thinking, I can't go on, I can't do this any more, the only thing keeping me here is not wanting to traumatise my mum and dad and that's horrible, I'm dragging myself through a life I don't want, that's just shame and guilt and regret and anger, until I can finally end it.

I just think I've fucked my life up to such a catastrophic extend that it's too late now to salvage anything. I know I've not always felt this way, I went for years not feeling this way, but that just seems delusional now.
 

SaFa61947

Kaiser Franz
#2
I don't have comforting words as I'm going through the same. I can feel the anxiety from here reading your post. You can't decide anything in an unstable state, so have some water, some good sleep, try to live in the moment until you are calm enough to think about the situation.

You were doing good now things got bad. That's life. Don't compare yourself to others. Compare yourself with a previous version of yourself perhaps it's not that bad.
 

Sad Elf

Well-Known Member
#3
Hi @Stroop ,

Sorry to hear you've hit a bad patch, you're among friends here and although it's not the same as real life, I certainly find it a comfort popping in here of an evening.

You say you had been ok for a few years before this, we're there any coping techniques of things that helped you last time ?

Take care
Elf
 

Butterfly

Sim Addict
Safety & Support
SF Author
SF Supporter
#4
It's never too late to fix your life. Would getting a new job help? Maybe you could visit places and meet new people so you're not lonely.
 

GMody

Well-Known Member
#5
Sorry but what's MH? I have Bipolar disorder. My life has been rough since childhood. I was made fun of in school and college. First I was diagonized with depression. Then this diagonizis was changed to bipolar disorder. Since few months I don't have suicidal thoughts. I am separated and my kids live with my wife in another city. I can't commit suicide since that would devastate my kids. I now live day to day. You should develop a hobby, watch feel good movies, may be do Yoga. Your death will sadden your parents. They will forever ask as to why you committed suicide? Try to remain calm and not think too much. You have support here.
 

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