relapsing hard. real hard. i can't believe it.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by littleturtle, Nov 20, 2014.

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  1. littleturtle

    littleturtle Member

    to love myself, unconditionally, and accept myself for who i am... that's the toughest part. then accepting the world and people for the way it is. i find myself relapsing hard. i'm losing touch of reality and i know it's based on the fact that i'm once again refusing to accept certain things, at the same time i'm fighting so hard to find reasons to keep on living.

    four and half years ago, i was in the deepest depression i had ever been in. i dropped out of school, i had a lot of internal struggles that i had no one to talk to about, and i locked myself in my room watching movies and listening to music. i didn't know what i was getting myself into... i came out of that, completely paralyzed by the traumatic experience of that isolation. stepping back into the "real world" was such a sudden shock to my system. the feeling of having had the world literally move on without you... it may sound overdramatic, but i literally blocked my windows out, and was isolated even with my own family whom i lived with. i stepped out of that place in extreme anxiety and confusion, with bouts of thought disorders here and there. i couldn't believe it. i, once confident in myself, completely let myself go... without realizing it. that isolation played tricks on me, my ego grew bigger... becoming louder, and my thoughts at times felt no longer mine anymore. i spent nights thinking about suicide, i turned to self-harm, i couldn't live with myself. there was one night where i thought about it real hard, i could end it there and then... or i could play out the next five years seeing where i'd be.

    and now i'm here. in the same place, yet different. i did stuff. i pushed through. the extreme anxiety i put myself in thinking i was doing myself good, and in ways i was... waking up in the morning not wanting to wake up, yet still doing so, and going to work. i went back to school at 21 and dropped out again. i held the same summer job for almost 4 years. i kept to myself. i worked with friends, but even with friends, i felt alone. the thing is... again, as melodramatic as this sounds, i've always felt alone. it's been a long time since i've felt not alone, and i don't even remember that to be honest. i spent days, going through the motion, losing myself in thoughts. so many times, i wasn't there anymore, i knew i wasn't mentally right, but i didn't care. i pushed through. at times, the depression got so strong i had just had to choose to shut myself down, to numb everything.

    i haven't moved on. i still look in the mirror, hating the person i see. it hurts. knowing the one person i got in this world, and i gotta trust, and i gotta love, and i don't. i used to be smart, i used to be really good at sports, i used to think i was somebody. i read my fair share of spirituality wisdom, i've heard my fair share of motivational quotes/videos, read books here and there... but i got to be honest with myself, none of those mean anything. LIFE, can and WILL teach you more than anything else will.

    i have my "fears", you can say that. at the same time, i wonder if they'd still be considered fears or not. i feel like i'm at a point where, i've lost myself so much that i just completely void from everything. just a couple of weeks ago, i saw a way "out" and i wrote it down to remind myself, that no matter what happens THERE is a way. yet, i've spent the last week in bed... trying to think of reasons to keep on pushing.
  2. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Alumni

    Littleturtle, I am so glad you pushed yourself through that first crisis. That you came out of your room and entered the world again. I understand that it must have been a horrible shock. This world can be an ugly place. But I think the ugliness is not as bad as people think. Its just that the media constantly throws it in our face. They don't tell us about the good things that happen, only the bad. Then that is all we think about.

    Accepting and loving oneself can be even harder the accepting and loving this world. The person we see in the mirror can really disappoint us. But are we really seeing that person accurately, or do we only see the bad. Just like the world, we tend to focus on the bad in ourselves rather than the good. The reason to keep going is because there is good in you. That smart person, that athlete, is still there. It is just severely wounded right now. Please give yourself time to heal.
  3. Donnanobispacem

    Donnanobispacem Well-Known Member

    America is the worst place on earth in so many ways- how can we have the means to support everyone with healthcare yet don't being one major example....

    I developed MS as a response to the constant stress, so a week in bed is a pretty typical thing for me now. My challenge is to keep working and performing well and I've almost paid off my mortgage, my only debt.

    The 18 year old I stayed alive for all this time is often obnoxious and unappreciative ( like his father ) so I do feel the old suicide-pull fairly frequently, and at some point I will follow through- I'm not ending my life being kept alive in a nursing home until they drain all my resources and kick me out!

    But I do feel there is something left to achieve before then too. Not sure what.

    Take care ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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