Relationship break up. Don't feel like I'm coping.

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by AdamNX, Oct 16, 2012.

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  1. AdamNX

    AdamNX Member

    Hello. This is my first post here, not sure what exactly I want to achieve by posting here.

    My girlfriend left me. It'll be 3 months tomorrow. We split on friendly terms, no horrible arguing and shouting or anything like that. We live quite far apart and only used to see each other at weekends, and sometimes we'd get a week together or so if I got time away from work. I suppose that after almost five and a half years it just wasn't enough for her.

    She came to stay with me for a week whilst I had my parents house to myself. (I'm 23 but live "at home" as I'm in a low paid job and don't know what I want to do right now). I thought that everything between us was ok. She'd told me a couple of times before that she was unhappy, but she never made it clear to me what was making her unhappy. I just put it down to her having a hard time at home. Her father left when she was very young. Her stepdad appeared soon after. When she was 15 her mother cheated on her stepdad and kicked him out. She resented her mum for this, but was stuck living at home with her and they argued a lot. Me and katie got together when I was 17 and she was 15, so we were/are both quite young. We were together when she was going through college, and when she was leaving home and going to uni. Her mum sold the house out from under her when she went to uni, so she had no fallback if things went wrong, and this put a lot of stress on her, along with having a roommate she didn't like, and generally not getting on with people there. She always seemed happy when I was able to be with her and she was away from the things that troubled her.

    During the week she was here she finally told me that things between us were at a pretty bad place. She'd been worrying that our relationship wasn't working for the last 12 months. She thought that the week with me would put her worries to rest like it usually did... but it didn't. She told me that she wanted us to "spend some time apart". Now although we live about 90 miles apart, we would see each other most weekends and would chat on skpe every day for a good 5 or 6 hours. We thought we'd try a month, but then after a bit more talking and lots of tears decided that was too long, and said we'd try 2 weeks and then go from there.

    I found that I couldn't cope without her at all, and texted her a couple of times in the first week. After about 10 days I contacted her and wanted to talk to her. I asked her when I could next see her, and she said she wanted to see me the following weekend, which sounded good and put a smile on my face.

    Her next words hit me so hard. I was stunned and couldn't think. She said "Can you bring my stuff with you?". Uh oh. I asked her "are you leaving me?" but she wouldn't answer me. She we couldn't discuss it like this and that we'd talk about it at the weekend.

    That was 3 months ago. The first month was terrible and I struggled to sleep, to go to work each day, to eat, and just to not spend every second hurting. Since then I've been getting along much better, and generally I'll only have a couple of bad days in a week, and the rest are bareable; not good or happy, but manageable. I still think about her every day. I think I maybe go about an hour tops without my thoughts turning back to her, even when I try and distract myself and do things and keep busy. We still chat online occasionally, although we haven't for over a month now. I text her about once and week and she always replies and is friendly and we talk about general stuff. I feel a little bit happy when she talks to me.

    Bah. I just feel like shit so much of the time. There has been a lot of days where I spend my time at work on the verge of tears. I often think about killing myself. I know it isn't healthy. I've spoken to my mum about it a lot, but I can see it really hurts her. My dad doesn't understand, he just gets angry with katie which upsets me, and he gets angry that I'm upsetting my mum. I try not to let my sister see how I feel. She was very depressed for a couple of years, and only really got over it within the last 12 months, and she's recently met a great guy. He's great, and we all really like him, and they seem really happy together. I glad that she's got the chance to be happy after being so unhappy for so long. My best friend has had many failed relationships and bad breakups over the years, but he's recently met an older woman and moved in with her, and things are going great for them too.

    It's not thier fault, and I don't blame them for anything, but it makes it really hard for me to see them with someone and being so happy when I feel so devestated. I don't have many friends. There's my best friend, and he's great. We've known each other for about a decade, and we see each other atleast once a week. I have a few good friends that I met online, that I have known for around 6 or 7 years, and used to chat and play online with regularly. Most of those friends I don't chat to anymore, and most have moved on / drifted away. One friend that I had been relying on a lot to talk to and help me with these things doesn't speak to me anymore. He got fed up of me talking about "the whole shitty situation" as he put it.

    I love katie so much, and I know she knows. She said she;s sorry, but she just doesn't feel the same anymore and doesn't love me like she did.

    I don't really have anything left.

    I feel so alone. I just want her back. :'( I don't know what to do.

    Sorry for the long and somewhat disjointed post.
  2. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    First of all, my apologies for your break up, even though you had only been together for three months, I can understand how much it hurts - no matter the time frame, when you find yourself in love with someone and it is reciprocated, it hurts tremendously when you split up with someone that you had once thought you would forever be with. Of all the ways that you could have parted, at least you parted on friendly terms, which is far more better than how it could have gone, believe me, so that at least is some small thing you take be thankful for.

    Relationships are tricky, they require a lot of work, and I assume by what you said, when you were together, you had no idea exactly what her home life was like, but you had some clue, seeing as how unhappy she was (before knowing the full story.) Girlfriend/boyfriend relationships are a lot like marriages than most would seem to think. It takes a lot of communication between both involved to overcome obstacles and, although I am sure you had asked er during those times you were together, what was wrong, if you brushed the topic off, you should have shown her compassionate side and told her that it did not not matter, that you loved her just as the person she was, not from her family life (although you probably did do that, in which case, I apologise for saying that.)

    Sorry to keep this short, since I know you are still in a lot of heart ache, and I will come off as being callous here, but you said that you were 17 and she 15 - while it is perfectly fine to form emotional bonds like love at that age, you should not cut yourself up (figuratively speaking only) about her leaving you. Love is something that can blossom into a giant flower but it can also wither and die at different times in a person's life; while you have a right to be upset (and will be for some time over this) remember to keep telling yourself that while it did not work out with her, that dos not mean that there is another girl who will one day come into your life and bring back those strong emotions that capture your heart and soul that you would want to be together with always. Do not let one girl and one experience cloud your heart and mind, but grieve for your loss, but know that while she could have been the first (as far as I know) it only means that she was not the right girl for you and that the girl that you really will fall in love with and, perhaps marry one day could be right around the corner just waiting for you to bump into her.
    Try thinking of it as a learning experience, do not dwell on what you have lost, because that will only serve to make you even more depressed; but rather use those experiences and times you had to put them to use in your life and your future and you will come out of it stronger.

    I know what I said probably does not help you in the least, but I at least hope that I have given you some food for thought.

    Cheer up and have some :bubles: - after all, everyone needs her in their life!

    dango dango^^
  3. AdamNX

    AdamNX Member

    You misread my post I think, but that's my fault for making it rather long and messy. We were together for 5 and a half years. She left me 3 month ago. I'm 23 and she's 19. Many of the people I have spoken to have said similar things to yourself. I dunno, I guess it just isn't what I want to hear. I don't want to give up on us maybe getting back together, I'm not interested in meeting anyone else, because I just want to be with her.

    We've always been very good at communicating, and have always talked about issues. I guess that's why it was such a shock to me, we'd spoken about her being unhappy but not that it was our relationship that was the problem, and not that it was so bad that she was ready to call it quits!

    Thanks for the reply by the way, it's appreciated.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 16, 2012
  4. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi Adam, good that you've reached out for some other perspectives and some support. I am sorry for the break up of your relationship. I am sorry for the pain you are in, it is understandable. There's an old maxim that is capable of standing the test of time because it is eternally true, that "If you love something/someone, let it/them go......if they return to you, they are then yours, if they don't then they were never truly yours in the first place". That probably sounds very heartless to you, as you have believed for so many years that Katie was yours, understandably.

    Putting myself in her shoes, I have an idea she had thought very long and hard about how she saw her life as being, and despite the fact that you would have had wonderful times together full of hope, excitement and love, she just might be wondering how she sees things in the future - and whether she would be happy committing to a relationship that began when she was 15, never having "the chance" to mature, individuate and become her own person, in order to make a mature decision later. This might be a real concern for her which she might not be able to articulate well without causing you any more pain. So she is asking for more space, more time and the best way she knows to do that is to make the break.

    So, if you love her, as you obviously do Adam, if what I've written makes sense to you - you need to muscle up your heart muscles and, very courageously (the word 'courage' means 'an act of the heart') and graciously let her go. She will never forget you in a hurry, that's for sure. In time, if she returns to you, then she truly is yours.

    That might not be what you're wanting to hear, but it's the best wisdom I can offer hun. Sometimes we have to bite the bullet and do what will be best in the long view. :)
  5. AdamNX

    AdamNX Member

    Thanks for the replies, it's much appreciated.

    I think you're probably right, it's just hard to accept and carry on. I hope that maybe she will eventually think that it might be worth trying again, as when we were happy, things were great. I think we could make things work if we tried. I never realised there was a problem, so I never tried to sort it out!

    I just worry that she will forget me and find someone else :(
  6. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Well, there is always that possibility of course. What I might do in your situation would be to write it out in a letter to her..... you can say how much she means to you and always will.... but that you respect her need for this amount of space and time - maybe perhaps ask her if what I wrote above might be something to do with it - in which case, that you will still respect her choices, even though they hurt. That's what love does, sometimes it can seem very cruel, but we do have to "play it by the rules" which we have got to learn in order to do :) But whatever the outcome, as a woman she will never be able to forget you! All the best Adam
  7. AdamNX

    AdamNX Member

    I think you hit the nail on the head with what you said before. No need to write a letter really, we've always been open and honest abouth things, and are able to talk things through. She did mention that she doesn't really know who she is, that she feels like she's never just been herself. Understandable seeing as we were both only big kids when we got together!

    We chatted a lot yesterday, only by text. She won't talk to me on the phone. I asked her why, she said it's because "you always sound so sad and I know I'm doing it to you". Without going into specifics and quoting tons of text... We had a good chat. She's a good person, and she's trying to do the right thing, and trying to make it easy on me.

    I'm feeling much better right now than I was a couple of days ago. We'll have to see how I hold up over the weekend, get's boring without much to do! Got plans to move my motorbike into a mates garage on Sunday, so will be nice to be doing something.

    I have a lot more to say, but I'm tired right now. I'm sure there will be a time soon when I feel like I need to unload some more; it's nice to know there is somewhere I can do that. Thank you so much for the kind words, and your time.
  8. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    It's a pleasure hun :) She does sound a lovely lady who does have your interests at heart - it's very important for her to do the self-discovery thing - absolutely - and it's so good that she is at least willing to txt you lots as a way to keep you in the picture. Any time.....just write here or PM. I know there are wonderful resources available for the voyage of self-discovery/awareness.
  9. AdamNX

    AdamNX Member

    So, she's going on a date sometime this week with a friend of hers that she's known since she was 7. Atleast she told me.

    Still feel crushed all over again. :(
  10. AdamNX

    AdamNX Member

    The date must have went well, it's now "facebook official" that she's in a relationship.

    We had an argument on the phone last Tuesday, I handled things badly. She's pretty pissed off with me right now. Think the best thing for me to do is just keep my head down and leave her to it. :(
  11. Hi Adam....I'm sorry for the painfull breakup,

    Umm...I just recently had a painfull breakup too, he left me in a depression and jobless about two nights ago,
    I was begging for his friendship and companion cause the only friend I had for more over than 2 years is only him, and he's my bestfriend ever, his words comforts me instantly,
    but unfortunately he refuse even to borrow me his shoulder to cried on, I was so crush,
    Now I had nothing, no one, no job, and even my ex boss has bad mouth about me in my back, and that would be a little bit problem if I want to apply the similiar jobs again,
    But thanks I had a bunch of friends that comforts me and told me to not to worried,
    And thanks to I find this forum,

    If you wanna talk and have some chat with me and the other member who I'm pretty sure they would understand what you feel, cause most of people here have already experience a broken heart and lost love I believe, please do not hesitate to join the chatroom and share,
    I would not join right now, cause I need to do parttime work for now, so I can get some money to buy some food to stay alive, I'll join the chat room about 8 hours from now,
    So if you want, see you there :)

    Be strong Adam, you're not alone bro.
  12. By the way, my ex start to dating again the day after he breaks me up, while left and abandone me in the state of depression,
    I cursing all day long, I cried all day long, I have a headache, my whole body is in pain, I dont wanna eat,
    and he doesnt want to talk to me again, and he doesnt even want to hear me,

    so I discussed with some friend, that maybe the pain he feels are worst than the pain I feels,
    maybe if he decide to accompany me now, he wouldn't be able to forget me, and the way he date right after we broke up is a way to cover his memories of me with creating some new memories, it's like he tries harder to move on, so I respect his way, and just try to continue my life without him,

    and I also read from the google article, that most of people are had has experience lost love at least once in their life, and it's a normal to grief for a while,
    just give yourself time to heal, and 5 years of relationship is a long time one, so I conclude maybe you need more time to heal than my 2 years relationship,

    Oh I need to go work ! I'm late....! hope I can talk to you later Adam ! Take care please.
  13. AdamNX

    AdamNX Member

    Thank you for the reply, I appreciate it.

    I'm sorry that you're going through a similarly tough time, with the added stress of employment trouble. I don't know if me and my ex are still going to be friendly; I got pretty mad and shouted and swore at her over the phone :( It just hurts me so much to think that I'm still struggling so much day to day, and she's already moving on and found someone else. It seem's so damn unfair that she should get to go and be happy with someone else while I try and deal with with such terrible despair.

    She often says "It's hard for me too", but I just wonder how is that possible? She seems like she doesn't give a crap, how does she have the gall to tell me it's hard for her?

    If you need a shoulder to cry on, someone to listen, send me a PM and we can have a chat on MSN if you like. I'm a good listener.

    I tryed live chat once, but found it was difficult to have a conversation as it was so busy.
  14. It just the same things happen with my ex, he often said "its hard for me too" too while already having appointment for a date with a new girl the day after today, blahblahblah..... so I have no idea what is really in their mind of people like this, sorry.
    And I've realize that is not my capacity to know what really is inside their mind, and whatever it is, I would never understand their mind, cause I am not him, so the way I think about something is definetely different from him, and its absolutely normal, and it's ok.

    Now I decided to not to talk with him again for some period, and I always distract my mind when I start to think bout him again, and its help.

    and now I'm promise to myself and to the world, that when I've already stand up on my own feet, and he comes again to me with tail between his leg begging me to get together again, "dream on boy".

    I was crushed and broken once with nothing, and you ain't here boy.
    You're definetely not deserve even a single small little piece of me.
  15. AdamNX

    AdamNX Member

    I don't want it to hurt any more :'(
  16. Ralderable

    Ralderable Active Member

    Hello there Adam.... I only registered to the forums yesterday, been reading your post and I would like to share with you my sympathies. I would dare say I know exactly how you feel, and the hurt you are experiencing is some of the greatest agony one could imagine. However much I wish I could... I find it hard to give you any solid advice at this point, seeing as I am currently experiencing the same pain. Right now, the only thing that keeps me going is the realization that this pain eventually lessens. You may not believe it now, but it does. I know this because I have felt it. There are days where you just know that it hurts less, and that helped me spark a little light in whatever dark nightmare many of us are lost. For me, the hurt has returned... For now and even after that realization I came upon, I still see myself thinking this won't ever end... It might never end, I can't promise you that it will... What I can promise you though... Is that it will become so much more bearable in time.

    Remember to keep holding on... As am I.
  17. AdamNX

    AdamNX Member

    I'm sorry that you have found yourself in a similar position as myself.

    Trying to keep going, but sometimes it's just so hard. I feel like I'm having more bad days than manageable ones this week.

    Thanks for the reply. It helps to not feel totally alone.
  18. Ralderable

    Ralderable Active Member

    What helped me at the time was read a lot about how to deal with a broken heart... There are quite a few informative videos floating around on Youtube all the same.

    Here is a link that might be worth reading. *How To Deal With a Breakup*
    Here is a video that isn't so much informative but actually rather amusing, helped me view my situation in a more amusing manner. *Get Over Her*

    Hope it helps for the moment atleast :)
  19. AdamNX

    AdamNX Member

    That was worth the time to read, and the video was pretty good too :) I'm feeling okay today.

    On the flip side, my mum is worried that I may have manic depression (bipolar disorder). I can't help but think "Haha, oh well, who cares?". But that sort of proves her point...

    [/drama llama]
  20. AdamNX

    AdamNX Member

    I missed work again today. I went to see a nice doctor. She put me on fluoxetine.

    Can't stop crying.
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