Relationship Issue...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by ThoseEmptyWalls, Apr 27, 2009.

  1. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    Okay..I dont know where to start..Im worried I wont get any comments other then hurtful or rude ones but I need to get all this out and this is as good a place as any... So I have a four year old son (four years old later this week)..My sex life has been ruint because of injury caused during his birth.. So needless to say I dont have a sex life with my husband anymore.. We werent doing so great before that anyhow..He cheated on me..I was afraid of being alone so I let him stay..Then when things were on the mend I find out Im pregnant (with my now four yr old)..Things go downhill again.. He says sex isnt important (and coming from him I actually believe it) but its important to me...Since our relationship started to fall apart it was all I had to feel loved by him..Just a kiss, a hand holding session, or anything else didnt give me any feelings for him... Okay so having sex doesnt either but at least I felt that he cared about me..Hes always saying how much he loves me, doesnt want to loose me, how he cares sooo much for me..But I dont feel it.. I dont.. Am I just being crazy, the bipolar disorder and all??? Sometimes I love him but usually..nothing...I miss feeling loved by someone, loving someone back, having a connection with someone (sex aside)..I just dont feel connected to him..I cant talk to him, he never understands...Im lonely...
  2. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    Hi Those empty walls,

    I'm sorry you're having a hard time with your hubby. Maybe you should sit down with him and tell him that you need quality time with him. That would make you really happy and feel loved. Perhaps you can schedule a time where one of you does soemthing that the other wants.

    Like for example, playing in your hair or a massage.

    It could be cuddling on the sofa, with popcorn and watch a movie. Or putting on a romantic song and dancing for that 3 min of song.

    Let him know that you need to talk about what you need in order to be healthy and happy. Use the I that way he won't feel targetted.

    As for sex, you there are so many ways that you can be sexual without having intercourse. It could be reading a erotic story to one another. Kissing and carressing your entire body.

    There are erotic games that you can buy at a sex store that have more creative ideas of foreplay and stuff. Perhaps, if both of you are open to it, adding some toys to the mix.

    Your happiness is worth it :) and when you're happy, its contagious!
  3. endlessskies58

    endlessskies58 Well-Known Member

    hello :)

    perhaps your self doubts are affecting your emotions. it sounds like he does love you and care for you just you are so worried about so many things that you can't believe its true. :(

    i hope you feel better love

  4. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    Everything got so difficult after his mistake.. I got so angry and the anger just wouldnt leave me. It was partly my fault he done what he done, but not all my fault. It was my fault there was drinking going on but I put the drink down and I left, he didnt... I started to make a big deal out of everything he said or done. I made mountains out of mole hills so to speak.. I made everything out to be this huge deal and I put him into positions that he really wasnt in..For example..My son spit in his face once. So my husband gives him a lil tap on the hind end for it. It was wet outside, they were standing in the swampy section of our yard making their way down to the next door neighbors house, and my son slips in the mud and falls down. I jump all over him screaming that he hit him hard enough to knock him down. I believed for the longest time thats what really happened. Deep down I knew better but still I convinced myself otherwise.. I guess I have felt useless and ugly my whole life..I never had a real relationship with anyone before him. I just dated guys to have sex. One of them would actually take me on dates. We would go out for hotdogs, visit mutual friends, go to fairs, ect. But still sex was a big factor between me and him...When I started dating my now husband I was almost knocked off my feet at his behavior..He didnt even try to kiss me. I had to make the first move..I was even the one to bring up sex for the first time... Then later we move in together, then later we move again, then the mistake, then Im pregnant, then we end up here....I just dont see what he sees..How can he think Im beautiful and Im worth something? I have went downhill so badly, I have made it out to be all his fault, I have made him out to be the monster when hes probably only moody over my stupid shit.... I have turned into a horrible housekeeper, a moody bitch, and a blob of fat... I dont understand where he sees beautiful, kind, loving, and all those other words he comes up with to describe me..

    Hes not open to toys, movies, or any of that stuff..We have tried the dirty movie thing but we both get embarassed watching them in front of eachother. We even tried the toy thing but neither of us had any fun with that - He was to embarassed to really get into it..He would also hate the story idea. Id choke up trying to read it (Im so self concious reading outloud).. We have tried the massage thing and he really stinks at it, lol..He doesnt dance either..I have begged him to dance with me but he wont.. Sorry, I dont mean to sound like Im shooting down everyones ideas. Hes just ackward twords sex stuff and in all honesty I am too..

    I have tried talking to him. He just replies that he can live with it or without it, that its not important to him. Its weird because I have been offering lately and hes not been taking me up on it. I wonder if his fear of hurting me is taking over? Im always open and tell him what hurts...

    Okay..Sorry my minds went blanke..Im suffering some severe back and belly pain..
  5. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    how about discovering what you both like? He sucks at massage but maybe you should tell him if its too hard or not about soft carresses all over the body, and when he gets to the parts that you love, let him know so he can do it again...and you can reverse each other's body....

    or how about buying some yummy chocolate sirup(or whatever you like that's liquid) decorate your body and have him lick it...

    sex might be embarrassing but from your post its seems important to you so...don't give up on it...

    as for the love know your mistakes so why not move on from it? Write him a letter or a card telling him how you feel...

    Being in a relationship is hard work for both partners but when we love each other...we're willing to do almost anything for the sounds like both of you love each other deeply...don't be afraid to work at embarrassed, be clumsy, you're a couple...whats the worse that's going to happen? a laugh? laughing is good in a relationship....
  6. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    We had a talk shortly after I made my lost post about this.. I think it really helped. We talked about his mistake and I told him in detail how it made me feel (the anger issues, the guilt, ect). I also admitted that I was making up excuses to be angry with him, making things up to justify my anger. We even talked about the sex issue. It was a bit embarassing but it ended up with us giggling at eachother in the dark (I turned the lights off so we could talk to eachother without being embarassed..I giggle and make funny faces when Im embarassed so the lights being out helped). We went over a lot of subjects. I told him some things I wasnt proud of.. He shared a bit more about his past with me (nothing I didnt really know from snooping around and asking his family but still he told me himself). It felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders - yes literally, not just an expression here! We still have a long way to go...At least I was able to be honest and tell him that I dont blame him for everything. I did say some of our problems are partically his fault but hes not to blame for everything thats went wrong. A lot of its my issues and my problems..
  7. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I'm so glad you talked to him!! Maybe the two of you can set some time aside every week or so to have one of those talks, where you can tell each other how you're feeling. It might bring you closer together, and you'll gain a better understanding for where he's coming from (and hopefully he'll do the same with you).
  8. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    Wow, that's great! I'm glad you were able to talk with your hubby:biggrin: I bet both of you felt great afterwards.