Relationship problems

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Matt UK, Sep 10, 2006.

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  1. Matt UK

    Matt UK New Member

    It is all my fault. My wife picks fights (it is a problem she is proud to have identified in other members of her family, but doesn't realise she pulls the same stuff herself, in OUR relationship) and after six years, it is really wearing me down.

    Every time there is an external problem (neighbour dispute, bill we can't meet, etc.) she uses this as a reason to cause a TOTALLY unrelated argument between us. It is as if the only way she can deal with external problems is by having an argument with me and internalising an external problem.

    But it is still all my fault. So she tells me. Again, and again and again.

    She is a Dr of pyschology and uses her knowledge to goad me into a fight. Of course, when on the rare times I do snap, she considers this a victory and stores up whatever I said and uses it as a weapon against me weeks or months later. And not just once, either.

    Now I am wondering if life is worth living. Six years of constant battering of my psyche have done this and brought me down really low. The other week I was using a serated knife and suddenly thought "I could use this on me."
     
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  2. frontside25

    frontside25 New Member


    Of course without knowing all of the very intimate and personal details of your relationship, I would like you to consider this. I was just recently divorced to someone who sounds a lot like what you're describing.

    1.)One of my mistakes was to take her character assinations very personally.
    (Its hard not to, almost impossible I know) In retrospect, I gave it power by legitmizing her "argument" with a response. No matter how frustrated it makes you, do not engage it or give it any legitimacy by virtue of recognition. Completely ignore it. Simply say, "I'm sorry you feel that way." and just move on, don't go any farther than that.

    2. Another thing I didn't realize is that she was not happy with herself. She was frustrated with herself. And the way your wife might be dealing with that frustration is to take it out on you. It is so completely inconsiderate and shows a great deal of disrepect, I know. But, if you make the mistake that she's unhappy with you, you will drive yourself insane trying to figure out what's so wrong with you and how you cause her to be the way she is. So just realize, you're not the one with the problem. She is. And no matter what you do to make it "better" nothing we'll ever be "good enough" as long as she's not happy with herself. Just listen to what she has to say as if you're watching the events unfold as an observer. Remove yourself from the idea that you can somehow discuss it when she's in a terse frustrated mood.

    3.) when she finally does begin to find her own self worth and happiness, at that point is when you two will actually be able to converse and move towards a meaningful discussion and work as a team. Instead of against each other in some bizarre morbid competition of character.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 10, 2006
  3. Jazzymiranda

    Jazzymiranda New Member

    im 15 and dont know much about like...marrige and stuff...but like....6 years man....thats a long wile....

    wouldn't u consider a divorse or sumthing?
     
  4. beans

    beans Guest

    Maybe if you could tell her that it has made you feel so bad that you have arrived here, and tell her that you really don't know what to do anymore, she will begin to see what effect she has on you.
    It sounds like a very sorry situation, don't blame yourself irrationally.
     
  5. beans

    beans Guest

    Sometimes a shock can help, showing her how desperate it makes you feel might wake her up?
    Finding it hard to explain myself at the moment.
     
  6. truelife

    truelife Member

    Hello,
    couple life is difficult. Killing yourself is too simple to escape the problem which actually do nothing for this. Do you think if you escaper by this way your wife will change? I do not know may be you will make her to be more and more frustrate.

    First of all you should be kind and love yourself first and realise that having life is worth a lot. Not only you do have the worst problem, some are worsen and worsen. Try to thing your wife's life is so pity. She does not realise what is the happiness at all. What she did she may belife that it is correct and make her feel better. Unfortunately, lots of women with high education but cannot solve the problem in the lives but still believe they are the best and do no worng or may be afraid to do wrong thing. If you can see this you can realise that she is unhappy person and scare to be a loser. What you should do is looking at her with understanding and the most important thing what I used to advice lots of people that you cannot change the other but you can change yourself. You should start look at yourself that you may be the cause that make her fustrate and investigate why and trying to understand her background and the way she was brought up and educated. May be if you become more clam and thing about this thing without bias toward yourself that you had not done anything wrong, you may can see more clear picture what is the cause and how to sought out the problem.
    I have a friend and she is a Dr. of psycology and end up with divorce and the most pity is the situation of her children. Eventually parents are happy to sought their problem by seperating but all the blemish is fall into the kids. her kids are desperated and depressed.
    Think about it and if you need help please let me know.
    I may can teach you a meditaion.
     
  7. Jenova

    Jenova Well-Known Member

    I don't understand why you would tolerate her abusive behavior. If you are bent on trying to save your marriage then ask her about counselling. Try to tell her how you feel and be firm about it. Don't let her trample you. If she won't get help or continues to behave this way regardless of your efforts, don't you think divorce would be more practical?

    Do you have children?

    Are you against divorce?

    I 'm not sure if you realize this but you're just as abused and a woman who gets beaten by her husband. The difference is they your wife is beating you emotionally. That's not ok.

    Remember that no one deserves to be abused, and that she can only treat you this way if you let her.


    J.
     
  8. truelife

    truelife Member

    I got think about this matter again and would like to ask you that before you decide to married her, Did you love her and did her love you? and now why the situation change? Why people loves each other so much now changing to be enemy? Forgiving is the most important thing especailly now when you are seeing everything what she has done is wrong. Why do not find time talk to her gently and comfort her and this may be the thing that she expect from you. When you first love each other, you tended to forgive everything but why not now? You may just see only your side that she abused you but what about her may be she may feel the same that you did not care, you did this, that those, etc.
    In my view, just an advice, think about it, do not run and escape the trouble by killing yourself or divorce. Trying to find out what is the real problem. Many be the problem is too close as your eye lid but because you are in the situation that everything what she did is wrong and annoying you. Try to thing what she had done thing good for you which I could not belief that she would not have. Feel sympathy to her that she is the situation like the fire buring her all the time because now she has been burn by the fire of emotional and you became the same or being the fuel to support the fire, eventually thing is getting worse. I just heard the story of the situation of comparison to you that now your house is buring and you and your wife are accusing each other that who did it and nobody take the step that yes no matter how who start the fire, I will stop the fire by putting the water to extinguish it. It does not mean I advice you to surrender but you have to see her and understand her and forgive her. I know forgive is the hardest thing in the world to give but if you can it seems that you are going to taking the stone out from your back. May be you can go to her just comfort her that my dear I feel sorry to see you to be like this, is there anything that I can help you to feel better. Something likes this which at least if she does not take the first step, you are the one who start and you may see more interesting thing after your action. Do not feel ashame if you really love her and care about her you may would like to help her to find the way to get out from those egoism and frustrated situation.
     
  9. Matt UK

    Matt UK New Member

    Thank you all for your replies. I am now giving it a lot of thought. Well, thought based on your replies.

    My wife's first husband was an alcoholic, so am I getting some of the rage that caused her? Probably. :smile:

    I think our relationship is worth saving.

    Meditation is a good idea so yes, please, I'd like help with that.
     
  10. truelife

    truelife Member

    Hello Matt,

    At least we are on the first step to see what may cause the problem of your wife. Probably, she was suppressed her dignity a lot during the time when she was with the previous husband and now she is lucky to find you but she may realise it but in the deep mind. I can understand that she may wan to be adore and be better than any (sorry I hope you know what I mean) by picking off somebody else mistake and eventually she forgets to look at herself that she is not different from those who she criticised. That why it is a bit sad for her. However, now you cannot change her the best is you may thinking about changing and adjusting yourself first. When you feel good and strong ( in term of soul) and that is the time that you will be able to help her. First of all you should feel kind to her and sympathy to her from your sincerity not just think but it should come from your heart. If you can feel that I am sure that you will not feel bad about her. Whenever she does what she used to do, you can comfort her with some gentle speaking with the good wish toward her but if she does not want to listen to you, please do not feel fed up about this. There is a proverb that little drop on the stone will make the stone erode. If you are kind and nice to her everyday, I am sure you will get the same thing back as the law of newton action=reaction (I am Buddhist so in the buddism term call the law of Karma which Karma means the actions) like if you would like people to smile to you, you first have to smile first and if you would like people to hate you, you can go there and hit his head and you will get back the same. If you keep doing this everyday at least you can have free mind that first you will not think your wife behaviour annoy you and you may feel different that you are trying the best to be with no matter how she will be with willingness rather that the word that you have to. Second, evaluate yourself that you may have something that cause this (try to be honest with this). If you may one thing that cause this how you can adjust and adapt yourself for this situation. May be your situation at work is better than her or she feel that you are overpower on her like previous husband and if we can see this problem, it is a good sign to sort out.

    Meditation is one of the way to give you peace and clam and when you get this feeling from meditaion you will be able to see the problem more clear like chinese proverb that if you want to see the problem it is better to take one step back to see more clear picture.
    Basic and easy way of doing meditation is being with your breating. Because every second we are breathing and we have never realised that we do breathing because the mind is wandering everywhere trying to see and pick lots of problem and if we can make our mind set to something common, it will make you more calm. The way to do it is finding the time at least 10-15 minutes anytime when you feel that you are really down. Close your eyes and watch your breathing focusing at the belly. I use the word watch not control the breathing. When you see (with close eyes) your belly blow and flat called 1, blow and flat called 2, do it until 5 it will be the first set, the second set is do the same as the first set but increase it to 6, do the same and increase it to 7 and 8 and 9. After that from 9 let do the same but drop it to 8 and 7,6 an5 and when it reach 5 go forward to 9 again.

    1,2,3,4,5/1,2,3,4,5,6/1,2,3,4,5,6,7/,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8/1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9/
    1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8/1,2,3,4,5,6,7/1,2,3,4,5,6/1,2,3,4,5/1,2,3,4,5,6/.......

    I hope you understand. You will see when you start to do it there are several things in your head. Lots of stuff that you think think and think for ages but please ignore it and be concentrate on the belly. If you miss out by interrupting by the thought, you have to go remember which stage you re interrupt and restart at 1-5 again if you go forward but if you are interrupt during the doing the counting backward please start at 1-9.

    Let's do it first 10 minutes and when the time is over please concentrate and wishing good wish to your wife and transfers all of your kindness to all beings who live in this world with you.

    With my experience, I would advice you to do it everyday at least 10-15 minutes and hopefully it can help you more or less. Please keep inform me if you would like or if you do not understand please feel free to let me know.

    Good luck
     
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