Relationship uncertain after getting back together

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Lestat, Oct 25, 2015.

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  1. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    Hi all, I hope I can get some good advice. My anxiety is crazy and it's ripping me apart, along with my relationship that I'm trying to save.

    My two year relationship ended a week ago. It's the first time anyone has split up with me. I was shocked because I had no idea she'd stopped loving me. I understand now my faults, and if needed I'll go into them.

    I talked to her one night and she said she'd like to try again. But she'd like to start from scratch. She tells me she doesn't feel like she loves me yet, but she is willing to try. It kills me to hear that, but I guess I have hope.

    I'm really suffering with anxiety because of all of this. I'm a real mess. I have many questions I can't get answered, and I think talking about it is pushing her away again.. It's like I have to move past them... But I can't... But I need to.

    The real bad thing is she's now no longer with me in my country. She has to finish her courses and will be away for 4 months. I have to try to fix things online.

    Do you know of any books that would help? Maybe videos or websites. Should I just accept we're over? I need to change, but my anxiety is ruining things.

    Thanks.
     
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    Hi

    What a horrible situation - I am sorry this is happening to you. The fact that she says she wants to try again is a positive sign. I think you need to stop asking her about it and trying to discuss it - that is really important and I think you are right that it will drive her away again.

    If she wants to start again from scratch, what I think you should do is write down everything you remember from the beginning - the very start when you were falling in love and what it was like. What did you do? What was it like? The starts of relationships always involve things that disappear later on. It can make someone feel like they are not as important anymore, or not as loved.

    I don't know what the start was like for you - but let me give you an example of things that I have experienced. The beginning involved emails telling me how wonderful I am, why he loved me, that he was thinking about me or waiting for me. The beginning involved excited to see me and excited to talk to me - and wanting to know everything about me and about my day - lots of questions and lots of listening. The beginning involved making me feel important and cared for and like it mattered how I feel and a lot of gentleness and understanding and talking to me about my fears and issues.

    Over time in a relationship, those things go away for some reason. The excitement, the sweet notes, the making the other person feel important and special. When you feel like you know the person, you stop asking them things, so they stop feeling like you care or are interested. When someone has discussed the same issue or fear a dozen times, instead of gentleness and caring it is easy to get frustrated or short with them instead. All the "beginning stuff" - including the 'can't keep hands off each other' sexual excitement - goes away. I never understand why because it doesn't go away for me - just for the other person it seems. But if I were you, I would be making a list of (or even asking her if she remembers) all the beginning stuff - the 'falling in love' stuff. Then try to start from there again. I don't know why that stuff has to go away, but if she says she wants to start over it is very possible that she really wants it back. The beginning of relationships usually involves showing people your "best" - the thoughtful, romantic, interesting - putting efforts into dates (even if they are long distance dates) - being interested in that person sexually. I guess it probably goes away because it takes a lot of energy to put that much effort in all the time. But if you are trying to save a relationship, then it hopefully is worth that effort.

    I hope some of that made sense!

    Good luck.
     
  3. Gergin

    Gergin Well-Known Member

    I don't think you should try and make a realationship work if the other person does not love you, or is not close to loving you yet.
     
  4. joshua6969

    joshua6969 Member

    Sorry to say this but after just being in a couple of relationships that have been recycled I'd have to say just let it go.
     
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hard call to invest your time into someone that states she does not love you but want to try hard when a relationship is one way
    I like what Freya has said it will perhaps remind her the time you have spent together . I do hope the best for you whatever the results just know you can move forward ok you can
     
  6. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Starting again from scratch does not require somebody to love you- what is really is being said is she was in love with you and things changed too much and s and despite the BS songs, no love does not last forever if somebody or something changes so much that it is all different. Nobody loves somebody the first day they meet or when they first start dating so trying to start dating again from the beginning with this person is no more risk then starting over with a complete stranger. Certainly is far better than somebody claiming love after a couple days or week or two and pretending that it is real....

    So every new relationship you are investing time into somebody that does not love you yet- do what you like and make it the same rules inside you as would for anybody else in how much time you want to invest before you are not willing to invest more time into something going nowhere. Id nothing at all wrong with simply dating and not trying to claim you are soul mates and seeing what happens...
     
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