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relationships and depression

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by pither, Jul 15, 2009.

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  1. pither

    pither Well-Known Member

    For the past several years my depression has been much like my friendships, at first everything was wonderful but as time progressed the situation grew steadily worse. I now have one singular friend, my best friend, Clayton. To be honest he has been the center of my world for years and thus the trigger for many depressive episodes. But of course, as my life always goes, things are difficult. Clayton is annoying, rude, obnoxious, impatient, discriminative, and most of the time just completely immature. He's a 15 year old guy and I am a 17 year old girl. He is the opposite of me in every way possible. Yet despite all that, I love him. I take every smart assed comment he makes with a grain of salt. I defend him when he says something to get him in trouble. I stand by him and love his faults because that's all just part of who he is. Now he isn't all bad, he has lots going for him too. But lately he has gotten more ignorant and although I try to remember how he can be, he doesn't make it easy. I have extreme anxiety and I HATE crowds, but because the rest of my family is fine with them we went to the midnight premier of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. You can imagine the masses of people who showed for that. It was like being in a freaking mosh pit. It was hell, so I grabbed Clays arm so I wouldn't lose him. Clay is a swimmer and is build like one fer sure. He is thin as a rail and I am not. So while he can squish in between people, I have to either stay behind or have my boobs and butt brush against everyone we come in contact with. So, harry potter, midnight, what does he do? He drags me to the front, grips my arm an drags me like I'm his four year old and the moment we make hit he tells me to get off of him and stop touching him. Then I tell him "wait for me, wait for me. We have to stay together, don't wanna lose each other." As soon as the woman took his ticket he ran out of sight and I was left standing there like a total idiot. When I tell him off because we're siting in shit seats because he ran ahead and the rest of our group couldn't find him, he tells me to get over it "just because we aren't sitting where you want to sit doesn't make it the end of the world." He told me to smile and suck it up, he grabbed my cheeks to try and force me to smile, he fucking spit a popcorn kernel at me during the movie and then laughed when I looked at him! He treated me completely like shit the entire time we were there and then he acted as if he hadn't done anything wrong. To this fucking moment he doesn't think anything bad happened last night. He will never know the pain he caused me last night. He will never know that I cried myself to sleep because I realized that I hated my best friend in the entire world. It would have been better if he'd just stabbed me in the chest. Now all I can think of is how much I don't want to see him ever again and that's not how I want our six year friendship to end.

    Why? Why do I have to find the one person in this whole fucked up planet that everyone else I know hates? Why do I then have to care about said person enough to make myself look like a fool on a regular basis? I love him, but I am no way gonna put my ass on the line just so he can laugh at it and treat me like I'm fucking dirt. But then, he's my only friend, the only friendship I have left. I have no back up plan, no one to go to. It is because of this whole issue that I am done with people. It's the only option that is going to save me from being miserable. And maybe to some this seems dramatic, stupid, self-centered, but I don't give a fuck if they think that way because I'm done with them in the first place. This whole thing has set me back to the spiraling hell that is my depression. I was like a zombie all day, I said nothing, ate nothing, did nothing. My mom won't leave me alone about it. She so worried that I'm falling back to where I was. And to be honest, I thing I am.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you are allowing this to happen to you This is abuse and you need to say enough is enough and walk away. he is an ass and you deserve so much better. Your mother is right she wants more for you why cant you want more for yourself Maybe by walking away your so called friend will smarten up and grow up. Please think more highly of yourself and get out of this abusive relationship You dont' deserve the pain and humilation he is causing you Please walk away now have some pride in yourself just do it.
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