relationships and motivation

[palmtrees]

One thing I've noticed is that when I start liking a girl it gives me something to work towards, a reason to make the improvements I want to make for myself (jobs, clothes, health, body, interests), a reason to keep living.

Another thing I've noticed is that no girl I have ever been seriously interested in has liked me back, so the improvements feel like they mean nothing and were a waste of time. There's this cycle of feel like shit, meet a new girl, gradually warm up to new girl, see something I really like in this girl, get infatuated, focus all my energy into becoming the positive, cool, happy person I want to be, realize I'm never going to get her (turns out she already had a boyfriend, or got one last week, or whatever), feel like absolute shit again. Usually takes a couple of months.

I'm not sure why I keep falling for it, every time I think maybe this one will like me, and every time I end up wishing I'd just killed myself about 10 years ago. Huge ups followed by huge downs. I don't know if I have a point here, it just seems really unusual to go this long without ever being in a serious relationship, and it's the one thing that messes me up the most.

 

[FoundAndLost1]

I think we're taught that we're supposed to live for someone else - i.e. change, improve, live for them, etc. It can be somewhat of a motivator - but in the end, if we're not doing it for ourselves - if we do not honour ourselves - there really is no point. It's moot. And I, personally, shun it. From what i've read, you possess a great amount of insight - use it for yourself, on yourself. It's not selfish - it's "self-care". Only when you love your self can you accept the love of others when it comes your way...

{{hugs}}

P.S. Relationships (as in a significant other) are not the be all and end all - they are infinitely complex - an ongoing journey in and of themselves. Even when we think we know ourselves well enough to share with another, still it is not an easy venture. There is no need to rush - despite our ALSO being indoctrinated with the notion that without someone else (an S.O.) - we are nothing. Question the "messages" you are receiving and evaluate them...

 

[Stranger1]

Good Morning Palmtrees,
Trust me you are not alone in feeling the way you do. There are thousands of people who go thru the same thing. I agree you need to learn to love yourself first.
Did you say you are still in school? if so try focusing on that for a while. Go thru college and get your degree. people will respect you for that. It is an accomplishment in it self. You will meet new people there who have matured.
You sound like you take pretty good care for your self. Hell you could be like me and just don't give a shit what I look like only bath a couple times a week. I use to be a clealist person, always keeping everything clean and bathing everyday. I have just let myself go to hell.
You are young and have alot of other things to explore as you are growing inside. It isn't you that is the problem. It is society itself people just don't have values now adays. In my case my parents tried to raise us to be a mirror image of them. That doesn't work nowadays. You have little kids telling there parents where to get off. I only know one guy who keeps a tight rain on his kids. He has eight boys and his wife died so he is raising them himself. He is not afraid to take a belt to them to keep them in line. He tells them go ahead report me for smacking you. While I am in jail you might as well pack your shit and get out, because when I come home I will put you out on the streets.
I know it sounds harsh but that is the way we were brought up so we try to raise our children the same way. Good Luck To You,~Joseph~

 

[snowraven]

Hi Palmtrees. I'm 51 and single. I've had several loving and fullfilling relationships in my life but all have ended in pain. They are not the be all and end all of life. There is so much else to do.I've also found that at times in my life when I've been looking for a relationship and I've been going out trying to look my best I get nowhere. When I'm not looking that's usually when things happen. Just be yourself and let love find you. At your age there are so many things you could be getting involved in and doing. That way you'll find you start to meet more people and who knows what will happen. Best of luck mate. S.

 

[palmtrees]

Thanks for the comments. I definitely agree that people should love themselves and not depend on someone else for their self-esteem, but I also think people have a chemical need to be around someone they care about who cares about them (I'm talking romantically, not family). And if you go too long without having that, or you get rejected time after time after time, or you start to associate love with pain and sadness and other negative emotions, you could think you're the coolest, most interesting person on the planet but you'll still be incapacitated and depressed. God I wish we had medication that could compensate for the chemicals you get when you're in love, to get you through the times when you don't have anyone. I guess there's ecstasy, but that can really fuck you up in the long term.

 

[Angelo_91]

same dude, when im in love i feel like i want to try harder and make myself a better person. but i try to hard and make myself look desperate. i dont know what to do im in the same boat as you.

 

[Stranger1]

Hello PalmTree,
I just read my first post. I't must have been the meds talking because I don't remember posting it.
Anyhow don't jump into a relationship with both feet. It takes time for the two of you to arrive at the same place. Give it time to evolve. You sounded like you might have scared a few of them with the big commitment. like I said take your time and let it evolve. Take Care!!~Joseph~

 

[Ediciussievol]

I think in my experience, it is very similar.

I had no love for myself, so I found "value" and such when I was with a girl.

Of course, this in turn led to a cycle of picking the wrong women for myself.

Which would lead me back to the same emptiness over and over again.

I think the key is to fall in love with yourself.

At that point, you begin to treat yourself better, and begin to attract those kinds of relationships that will last.

It's rather an irony I know.

Do something nice for yourself... treat yourself sometimes, give yourself presents... just you being nice to you.

If it's one thing I've found, it's that most people only treat us the way we feel we deserve to be treated.

 

[Alexpt2]

One thing I've noticed is that when I start liking a girl it gives me something to work towards, a reason to make the improvements I want to make for myself (jobs, clothes, health, body, interests), a reason to keep living.

Another thing I've noticed is that no girl I have ever been seriously interested in has liked me back, so the improvements feel like they mean nothing and were a waste of time. There's this cycle of feel like shit, meet a new girl, gradually warm up to new girl, see something I really like in this girl, get infatuated, focus all my energy into becoming the positive, cool, happy person I want to be, realize I'm never going to get her (turns out she already had a boyfriend, or got one last week, or whatever), feel like absolute shit again. Usually takes a couple of months.

I'm not sure why I keep falling for it, every time I think maybe this one will like me, and every time I end up wishing I'd just killed myself about 10 years ago. Huge ups followed by huge downs. I don't know if I have a point here, it just seems really unusual to go this long without ever being in a serious relationship, and it's the one thing that messes me up the most.

I can relate to this. You sound like me, only less extreme. I used to do that.....meet a girl, hit it off with girl, become infatuated with girl, do everything in my power to better myself so as to become more attractive to girl, only to be rejected by girl in the end.
It would make me feel so depressed and angry and worthless. Each rejection would always lead to a self destructive alcohol and drug binge. After a few months I'd pull myself together, get myself sober and cleaned up, eventually meet another girl, and repeat the cycle all over again. I went through this cycle 4 times in 6 years before finally throwing in the towel for good 2 years ago.
I've since been in permanant self destruction mode, abusing anything and everything I can get my hands on. I cant help but wonder what my life could have been like if any of those girls had given me a chance(or at the very least not lead me on and fucked with my head the way they did). I've since created an enourmous hole for myself that I no longer have the will nor the desire to pull myself out of. Hopefully all the chemical substances and booze that i'm putting into my body on a daily basis will cause my end soon as i'm too chicken shit to kill myself any other way.

Wow, sorry, didnt plan to rant like that. Anyways, moral of the story, dont be like me. Dont make finding a relationship your sole reason for living.



life sux, fuck it all, pass the bourbon!

 

[JohnADreams]

Maybe it doesn't have to be a choice between the destructive self esteem dependency or the utterly independent mindset of loving yourself. Instead of trying to improve yourself for those you know or for your own sake, why not try self improvement for those you might want to meet in the future? Loving an ideal version of yourself, that you are willing to work towards, as well as a realistic view of a fulfilling relationship you could find through that self improvement, will break you away from any debilitating self criticism and dependency on others.

Unshakable motivation and ambition always come from believing in the possibilities that the future can bring, not being stuck in the disappointing reality of the present.

 

[FoundAndLost1]

Seriously - look around at all the messages we're inundated with. We're targeted left right center backwards and forwards, fucked sideways and up the wazoo!! "Gotta be with someone - here's how to get someone - here's how to keep someone - This is how you need to look - this is what you need to buy - this is what you need, need, need". You don't have to read Cosmo - it's EVERYWHERE!

Get pissed off at it all!!! Use Critical Thinking!! The media HATES when we think for ourselves...

Be YOU first!

 

[JohnADreams]

That's true. Knowing yourself will help you get what you want out of life. It's just that, even though extensive critical thought, someone can still come to the conclusion that they are the kind of person that finds more value in others than in their own personal achievements.

There was something similar said in an article I read recently. It was talking about how the focus on getting women into high paying, high powered jobs, might be neglecting those women who's only ambition in life is to be a mother and build a loving family.

 

[FoundAndLost1]

I'm an oldie-moldy. I've been watching this crap all my life. ALWAYS thought it was pure bullshit (for both sexes) - but who ya gonna tell?? :dry: In my case, you just end up getting called radical, feminazi, shit-disturber, freak - and any other derogatory term that falls so easily off the lips of people who don't think (cuz apparently, it's too much like work!) :dry:

We're indoctinated with it from the get-go. Groomed to be this way or that - 'acceptable'. We are not taught to simply be US! To honour ourSELVES - If life is supposed to be such a freakin' precious gift - WHY are we not taught to honour ourselves??!! How can something SO fundamental be perpetually left by the wayside? It's like ya gotta fight in this world, just to know it's true, that you ARE ok - flaws and all. And it IS true!

Gawd, I wish I could magically inject a mega-dose of "You're OK!" into anyone who ever thought they weren't worthwhile - just for being who they are! Solo (and brave), or NOT! :sad:

 

[Ediciussievol]

FoundandLost1: I agree completely. Life is all about sticking to the rules and following the "herd" or "tribal" mentality.

Doesn't work for me very well as I tend to think outside the box as a matter of course.

 

[HexenBexen]

Don't base your happiness on the actions of another. What is given can and likely WILL be taken away. You have it in you to improve and make an effort with your life...you just need to switch the motivation to yourself, or something which can't just leave you high and dry. I hope you're able to get things figured out.