One thing I've noticed is that when I start liking a girl it gives me something to work towards, a reason to make the improvements I want to make for myself (jobs, clothes, health, body, interests), a reason to keep living. Another thing I've noticed is that no girl I have ever been seriously interested in has liked me back, so the improvements feel like they mean nothing and were a waste of time. There's this cycle of feel like shit, meet a new girl, gradually warm up to new girl, see something I really like in this girl, get infatuated, focus all my energy into becoming the positive, cool, happy person I want to be, realize I'm never going to get her (turns out she already had a boyfriend, or got one last week, or whatever), feel like absolute shit again. Usually takes a couple of months. I'm not sure why I keep falling for it, every time I think maybe this one will like me, and every time I end up wishing I'd just killed myself about 10 years ago. Huge ups followed by huge downs. I don't know if I have a point here, it just seems really unusual to go this long without ever being in a serious relationship, and it's the one thing that messes me up the most.