2 Years ago I met a person online. She was on a forum similar to this but it deals with all kinds of messed up life situations. We connected. We became really good friends. Would call each other daily. Built out own mini support network. I was going through the throws of depression and heartbreak due to the end of "the relationship" she similar but also suffers with being bi-polar. Something then went wrong with our friendship. It happened suddenly. We drifted quickly. And things were said that were hurtful. I said things I regret so deeply. I miss that friend. I also see how selfish I have been. I do not know if it is in part my mental(ist) state that drives me to push people away. I have no idea. I just know that I have problems making and maintaining close friendships. And now am left with not 1 friend. So many regrets. Deep depression lack of confidence self esteem and total lack of self worth are so destructive. It can anilliate anything good around you. The proverbially "death wish" I wonder sometimes if I do this on purpose with intent. Is it that I have felt outside and isolated for so long that my ability to make a connection with someone is now totally shot through. Just random thoughts ... not sure if anyone will get what I am trying to say or even identify with anything I have said here. But if I could turn back the clock with that 1 person I would. Sadly the time has passed and that will now never be possible.