Relationships Make Me Want to Kill Myself

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by pit, Nov 26, 2009.

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  1. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I have a great female friend I've known many years. We started off romantically, but it turned into a friendship due to some personal differences. She has a tough time with depression and thinks the answer may be another romantic relationship with someone else. She also mentions my questionable sexual behavior in the past. Had there been a gun in the room, I would've pulled the trigger.

    No relationships make me want to kill myself and relationships make me want to kill myself too. The conversation we had really rips my heart out. She's been my friend for this long and she feels I'm holding her back, preventing her from meeting someone new. Maybe I am. But I have no one else.

    The thing is, I'm psychologically very unhealthy and no good with healthy romantic relationships. I don't see any hope in the future of meeting anyone. I shouldn't really post this because I know you'll all say let her go. I can't. I can't relate to anyone else as a friend. You see, her anxiety and depression, her psychosis matches mine. As long as we're both sick, we can be together. When she gets well, gets strength and confidence to move on to another relationship, that's when my world will fall apart. And that time may come soon. I know deep down she has the strength to do it.

    It's selfish of me to prevent her growth, but I don't care. I can't stand being totally alone, surrounded by people I cannot relate to, being belittled by men stronger than me. Maybe I'd like her to be mentally crippled and depend on me for the rest of her life. Maybe I'd like that. It's better than not relating to anybody.

    Sorry to drone on and on, but this has disturbed me greatly.
  2. IDKwhatIwant

    IDKwhatIwant Well-Known Member

    were you born in september ?

    relationships upset me. mainly because im frustrated. so frustrated that i dont even want to make sense of the why and hows that come from others or myself. i just want to ignore it, yet, i still desire it. its just not fair.

    you have to question what you really want from a relationship; children, finances, security, beauty, health. see what your mate has to offer then weigh it with the bad. everyone has a flaw. find it, and itll help you realize how to move on.
  3. molsen187

    molsen187 Member

    if this girl is your best friend it not very nice of you to want her not to live the way she can. i understand relationships suck but if you find the right one they can be good. if you are not in a good place for yourself you won't be in a good place for others and won't be able to have a relationship. it sounds like you have some stuff to think about and then go from there. i'm speaking from experience not just lecturing. the same goes for your friend. if she is depressed she should not hinge her happiness to another person cause then when that person goes the happiness goes with it. i'm not going to tell you to let her go away but it not right to hold her back either. if you are as a good of friends as you say she won't want you out of her life just because she in a relationship.why don't you try to grow with her so you can both be happy and confident. i know that when i was feeling really suicidal getting out in the nice weather and starting to go to the gym started to make me feel much better. i started slow, like real slow, but overtime you can see the improvements and it will make you feel better about yourself. just my opinion
  4. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    Why did you ask him whether he was born in September?
    Because my feelings mirror Pits, which is why I avoid relationships and close friendships, I am scared I'll become this dependent on somebody (if I end up dating or forming a close friendship with somebody like me for instance, which I constantly think is what I want) and instead of wanting them to get better, I'll want them to stay with me - where I am at.

    I WAS born in September, yes.

    Sorry I couldn't be more help Pit, I mean you are aware that your relationship with this girl is unhealthy, any sort of co-dependent relationship is unhealthy. But I've no idea how to help you, because the only ones I've had ended abruptly and ripped my heart out. I wouldn't wish that on anybody.
  5. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    Born in September, LOL!

    And Alice, I was raised unhealthy, my lifestyle is unhealthy, and naturally my relationship is unhealthy. How to get well, I don't know.

    Overall, I appreciate the feedback though, especially when you guys say if she finds someone, if you're good friends, you can still be in her life. That gives me some hope.

    And what do I want out of this relationship? Companionship, trust, fun, honesty, an ear. The older I get, the more difficult it is for me to meet people. Maybe I'll give her some space. I don't know.

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    could it possibly be that you dont want to see her with anyone else because your boyfriend/ girlfriend situation didnt work out ?

    i had a female friend for 13.5 years. we were like brother and sister, although we did things like we were in a relationship .. no sex. it was great. we were there for each other and we had fun. her son was my best bud.
    long story short ... she invited me to this state to stay with her for a few months to rebuild. her boyfriend started griping before i ever came out here. i gave up everything i had to move here. it wasnt sposed to be anything more than just friends. what happend was, she changed when i got here. she told me too that i was holding her back. she took all of her frustrations and stress out on me while i stayed at her place.
    in this case i wasnt pushing anything on her. nor did i have any intentions of doing so. she just changed her tune.
    we arnt friends anymore. i dont need that and i dont deserve that.
    you on the other hand, need to allow your FRIEND her space. your causing your own issues because you dont want to see her with someone else. i do know that feeling.

    you cant allow yourself to fall apart because she is moving on. yes, your only thinking of yourself and riding the pity pony.

    i know from experiance that friendships do change and contact gets limited when the other person finds a new relationship.
    find yourself some more friends. i had to. i did it and the 2 that i found turned out to be very good friends. soooo ... i lost a questinable friendship at best and gained 2 good ones.

    it can be done. its time to move on yourself.

  7. molsen187

    molsen187 Member

    speaking from experience my best friend and i tried the relationship thing and it didn't work so well. still we love each other to death and would do anything for one another. it was hard at first seeing her date other guys but i would rather have her in my life as a friend than not at all. its tough to change the way things are but if you really care about her you would want her to be happy. and seeing her happy just might make you happy. relationships can be tough, you just have to keep looking til you find the right one and it makes the times that is work worth it.
  8. nok1888

    nok1888 Well-Known Member

    Ive got a great relationship. met each other online got to know each other first. Im bipolar and got diagnosed a year after we met, I feel sorry for her having to put up with me but she just laughs it off calling me crazy or mental etc,it lifts me up as well. anyway my point being, sometimes friends can make good partners, you just have to have one kiss and you'll know there and then if it would work
  9. mmd

    mmd Member

    I hear you about your close relationship with your friend that kind of centralizes around both of your states. It's an interesting connection. Remember that you guys will always have your personal connection --- no matter how long people go with not speaking or seeing each other, they still feel a certain way when they look each other in the eye. No matter what happens in terms of you or her having other relationships, you guys will always have what you have. I always find solace in that fact when I am feeling torn up over a certain someone. Also, remember that suicide would end that connection, that kind of connection that is a really beautiful part of life to experience. Believe me, when she feels healthy and stable enough to move on, she will NOT forget you or what you have and she will still be able to look at you with love and comfort in her eyes, and that will be priceless.

    Watching someone you love date someone is fucking hell, especially when you know what you two have that you're both not acting on. I try to tell myself that I care about him enough to see him live and love freely, openly, because I know we're just not right together right now.
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