Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by resistance, Oct 24, 2006.

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  1. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    How do you manage when it comes to relationships? Is it possible to have a normal relationship?

    I was abused on a regular basis when I was 7 years old and then my first boyfriend dumped me because I wouldn't have sex with him. The second boyfriend forced himself on to me and only stopped because there were people walking by and it has left me with a fear of men, and a fear of intimacy.

    I am now with my third boyfriend and I honestly don't know what I'm feeling. At times I think I love him then there's other times when I feel negatively towards him and I don't know if I love him or not... He has a habit of doing things which trigger off memories from the past and sometimes he has no tact. But then there's other times when he's really nice to me and I get very defensive and now it's starting to cause problems in our relationship.

    I used to turn to him a lot, he was my rock but now I block him out of a lot of my feelings and I find it so very difficult to open up to him. He says he loves me, wants to be with me and all this 'sweet romantic' stuff but it makes me feel sick. Maybe it's all too 'full on', I don't know.. In his words, I have become 'distant' and now our relationship is really on the rocks. Infact, I have just got off the phone to him now and we were talking about this. Or at least, he was.. I didn't know what to say.

    To round it all off I know I have trust issues with men, unfortunately, including my boyfriend. In the back of my mind that part of me thinks he is going to end up hurting me but I don't know if I can tell him this.. I don't know if I should be in a relationship with him but if I break up with him, it will hurt him a lot, it will also upset me too I just don't know what to do..
  2. _nu

    _nu Well-Known Member

    from my last relationship, i've learned not to take anything very seriously. i hated the idea of being taken advantage of and i dont know. people are constantly going through things and it can make things very aggrivating. no one is perfect, and of course a couple will not always agree. if you really worry about him hurting you (physically) then that isn't good. but if he's never done anything to trigger that fear then i don't know what to say... if you feel like he just isnt the guy you used to love, you could either tell him that, and what has changed, or you could simply leave.. but never stay in a relationship just because you dont want to hurt their feelings. it might drive you crazy. from experience, i know that any breakup is hard, whether you initiate it or not. also, there's no universal method of dealing with these things, i'm sorry. just do what feels best. if he really loves you, he will understand.
  3. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Hun im not surprised your finding it hard to trust him, or any man for a matter of fact. When somone is raped or sexual abused they tend to generalise the whole gender as being 'bad' even tho they know deep down inside that not all men are like that, but the memories of what happened will be triggered off again when intimate with someone, thats understandable and if your boyfriend loves you like he says then he should understand this.

    You need to do what feels right in your heart, don't stay in a relationship because your affraid to hurt him because your hurting yourself in the process, look out for yourself. Do what YOU feel is right not other people, its your life make it how you want it.
  4. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    I sent him an e-mail explaining everything... Telling him in the best way I could that I don't fully trust him and I fear that our relationship will not last etc.. and later we chatted and he said, "So we're okay now, right?" No we're not okay!! I explained it to him again and now he keeps saying he loves me and doesn't want to lose me and he also said, and I quote, "I don't want to lose another person I love".. I don't know what to do. I can't hurt him.

    I am such a selfish bitch and all this is my fault. If it wasn't for me then all this would be fine but trust me to have to fuck things up. I hate myself.
  5. _nu

    _nu Well-Known Member

    aw now don't hate yourself... you're both going to hurt from this, but you will both get over it. it's not like you two can't still love eachother. this winter, my ex is getting back from college and we're excited that we're finally going to see eachother after a long time. i just hope she doesn't upset me by telling me how many guys sge's kissed:tongue:
  6. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    I can identify!!!! I was not abused until 12-14 (??), but it does not matter what age you are. One thing I will add to vicki's post "if your boyfriend loves you like he says then he should understand this"..NOT always TRUE!! I was married and thought he would understand, it is different for everyone. If it has never happened to you, you do not know the ramifications and effects.

    Your bf sounds like he does not want to lose you, but is it that he wants to be with you or cuz he does not want to be alone. Listen to your gut. You may be going thru this cuz you do not true your own decisions. Men are selfish a lot of times and they will not be able to "wait" like women can. You naturally have mixed feelings cuz of past hurts. You want the companionship but are scared when your feelings become freaked.

    I would say that your fear and negativity are very normal for survivors.
    If you want to/can, journal or just for this topic, write to analyze your own feelings. I say that cuz it will help if you can tackle these memories now, instead of later. :unsure:
    For me, when I was crying and overwhelmed by a trigger, after I stopped I had some clarity...WOA!! It did help to write the thought immediately. I could not believe what I did not see.

    Only solid advice I can share, is to remember this is dating. It is not marriage YET. You are learning what you like and what you hate, or can tolerate.
    It may be that you don't need a relationship until you can heal a little from the wounds. The thought of being alone is very negative in society, but having bf or man in your life can complicate things.

    Maybe you don't want to make a decision, just let it flow and then you will know. Hope this gives you some help. If not, toss it out.
    I will be thinking of you
  7. _nu

    _nu Well-Known Member

    dating? marriage? meh, what a pain! why can't we all just be one big happy sexy family? :humpie:
  8. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    Nu, you have a very good idea!
    Seems only some want to participate that way.
  9. Hi Sweetheart. Reading your post was comforting b/c I can relate to a whole lot of what you are saying. I have major trust-issues w/ men, esp. my boyfriend. My father is an alcoholic & drug-addict, so he wasn't present as a fatherly figure most of my life. [By the way, I am 20]. Watching my parents relationship fall apart made me extremely afraid of being alone, plus on top of that I have really bad self-image issues. I dated a guy for 4-yrs. [from the ages of 15 to 19] & our relationship turned very abusive over time. While w/ him, I ended up getting pregnant. I had an abortion at 18-yrs. old which 'killed' a huge part of me. I changed so much b/c of the loss of my baby. [Long story, but if you'd like to know more - PM me]. Eventually, our relationship became very angry. All we did was fight, mostly b/c I was confused & secretely suffering. He began to verbally & physically abuse me. Once we got into an argument & b/c I wouldn't listen to him, he threw me into a wall & then held me down, just to yell at me. I blame myself for it, however, b/c I was so mean & cruel towards him; I knew exactly what buttons to push to get beneath his skin. I left him for another guy, and ended a 4-yr. relationship. The next guy was sexually abusive; He was an addict. I told him all about the pain I was left w/ due to my abortion, and told him that it was important to me to refrain from having sex & taking things slow. He charmed his way into my heart & promised me we could work at a slow pace. Three days into the relationship we had sex. I felt disgusting afterwards. We continued to have sex, between two & three times a day, for weeks straight. After only a month or so of dating, I lost my mind. I went insane b/c I felt used; Loved only b/c of my sexual abilities & for my body. We fought a lot, all the time. But still, we had a great deal of sex. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore, and I stopped giving. It was during this time that he went back w/ his previous girlfriend, just for sex. I didn't find out about it til months later. While seeing each other during my "no sex stand," we got into another out-of-control argument. This time, he pushed me up against the wall & undressed me. I kept telling him, "no. please no, I don't want this." He raped me that day. We both kept online journals, and later that night [on the day of which he raped me] I read his. The beginning of his entry started w/, "Today, I raped Amber." He openly wrote & admitted that he raped me! I never showed anybody. I was too ashamed & embarrassed. I told my closest friends, but the only thing they could do was lecture me on leaving him. I thought I was loved, and even worse, I thought that I was in love w/ him. I would have bent over backwards to make this guy happy. We didn't last much longer after I found out he was cheating. I later learned that his father suffered from severe depression & schizophrenia. I came to my own conclusions, too, that my [ex] boyfriend suffered from mental disorders, too. He disappeared from home & attempted suicide during one of our break-up fights. At the time, it was to make me worry about him, and to enviably bring me back. After him, came my third boyfriend, a coworker of mine. A guy I knew all throughout highschool. My first clue as to "don't date him" should have been the fact that I hated him when we were younger. Before we even dated, he took me into the bathroom at our job & hooked up w/ me [no sex]. We dated for one month. He was another sex-addict. The only time he ever hung out w/ me was when he wanted to a good hook-up. I fell hard for him, mainly b/c I was so attracted to his looks & sense of humor. After I broke it off w/ him, b/c I felt disgusted & once again used, we still continued to have sex. I did it in hopes that he'd get back together w/ me. I felt like I had lost something great. One night, at a party I threw at my house, he called his previous girlfriend [before me] from my house phone. When she called back a couple of hours later, I answered the phone, drunk. Her & I began talking about [initials] J.H. & what she told me broke my heart even more. After we broke-up, he went back to sleeping w/ her, too. He was sleeping w/ the both of us. I also found out that the only reason he asked me out was b/c she turned him down, again. Three nights before he asked me out, he went to a party & she was there. The two of them had sex, and right after he asked her to be his girlfriend again. She turned him down. I must have been the easy fall-back girl, huh? I felt so stupid. I didn't talk to him for a long while after my talk w/ his other girlfriend. Esp. b/c of the drama-triangle that took place when I confronted him; Let's just say she wasn't by any means my friend, and that the two of them teamed up against me. Since we worked together & all of us employees were good friends, it was hard to stay angry w/ him. He acted like a really good friend, giving me a shoulder to lean on & an ear to vent to. But, after my venting, he expected sexual pleasure back. I gave it to him. We just recently hooked-up again, only weeks ago. Behind his girlfriend's back & behind my new boyfriend's back. I felt so guilty, however, that I came clean w/ my boyfriend & permanently blocked [initials] J.H. I'm proud of myself & even more proud of my boyfriend for being so forgiving. Brandon is his name. We have been involved w/ each other for almost 7 mo's. The guy loves me unconditionally. I think that I love him, too, but I'm so unsure. I know what I just wrote is long, but it doesn't even begin to explain my issues w/ men. I fell in love once before w/ my best [guy] friend, but he was an "impossible" & in love w/ another girl. Even though he was my best friend, being in love w/ him hurt a great deal. I feel like at some points in our friendship, he used my feelings for him to get what he wanted. He is a huge reason as to why I am like I am, esp. when it comes to relationships, guys, & moreso: love. But, back to Brandon. I treat his horribly when I'm experiencing a low. I get so confused about how I feel for him & about how he feels for me, even though he has never once given me any reason to doubt that he truly loves me. I try to bring him down to my level, when I know it's unfair. We have sex, but he never forces me to do anything that makes me uncomfortable. We took things slow. I wanted to rush things b/c from my past relationships I began associating sex w/ love. When Brandon didn't jump on top of me the first chance he got, I was pissed. I automatically thought, "this guy does not love me or want me." We've been through a lot, but even though I second-guess my feelings for him, I know I'd be an idiot to ruin something this good. I do have a habit of talking about my past boyfriend - a lot. And, I know Brandon doesn't enjoy hearing about it. He listens despite the pain it may cause him.

    My advice to you, Hun. Try talking to him. Most likely, he won't understand. It's hard to understand something so life-altering, unless you have been through it personally yourself. Questioning whether you love him or not, doesn't automatically mean you don't. Are you afraid to love him? When I question my feelings about Brandon, I write the pros [& cons] of being w/ him. I also have a photo album filled w/ pictures of things we have done together & places we have visited. [Brandon takes me out on a lot of day trips b/c he finds I am happier & more mentally stable when I'm out of my home state; Getting away, even for a day, helps a great deal in my case]. Being reminded of how happy he makes me at times, helps me to realize my mood swings aren't b/c of him or something he has done, but b/c I am mentally unstable. I think he is like all other guys, mainly my ex-boyfriends, but he's not. I compare him to previous men often which sometimes makes me dislike him. I have been extremely resentful towards him at times. You stress that your boyfriend loves you, but do you believe it yourself? Does he go out of his way to put action to his words? Does he keep his cool when you lose yours? Is this a long relationship? I would love to get to know you better, and hear more details on your issues [esp. w/ relationships]. Only if you are comfortable, though.

    <3 Amber

    P.S. Happy Halloween! :halloween
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