I know that a lot of rape victims feel as though they are to blame, but I do honestly think many of my own rape situations could have been avoided if I had only protested stronger and more assertively. But I didn't and there's guilt behind me because of that. I want to let it out, I know I shouldn't blame myself but I can't stop myself from thinking that way. I also knew/know my rapists, and because of my connection to them and my own reputation, I can't tell someone who could help. On the day of my grandma's funeral, I was a mess and everyone could see just how destroyed I was. I never allow myself to be noticalby weak. But my cousin, who I had been afraid of since childhood, got me alone in my room and things had went too far and I knew it was wrong but I couldn't stop it. I was hurting and thinking of my grandma, and he took advantage of that. When I was about 6 or 7 this cousin would constantly come over my house when he knew no one else was there and forced me to do things I knew I wasn't supposed to, but I never told an adult because that was family and I was confused. So after the day of my grandma's funeral, he came by again a few more times before I realized I could block him on everything and avoid contact all together. I was terrified of what would happen if I ever told him the simple word, "No". So simple but difficult, I always have felt powerless because of him and I get the same way around other guys now because of him. When one of my ex's had promised to celebrate valentines day with me I was excited and dressed really nice and even added make-up. But when I saw that his friends were with him and that we were staying in his mom's room unsupervised, I got a bad feeling. Thinking positively, I was hoping things were gonna turn out better. My ex, convinced me to sit on the bed, to see the tv better, which I kept rejecting since I was feeling awkward but wound up giving in to him. Eventually, his friends wound up on me and I did try to fight them off but they kept laughing and they were stronger. I knew all of them and hung out with them during high school, so this kind of behavior was surprising and I did try to die that night but got too cold and decided against it and scrubbed as hard as I could and cried myself to sleep next to my sister. I was so empty after that, and hated myself and was greatly depressed. My ex had convinced me to hang out with him and those friends again, promising that nothing was going to happen, I did tell him that I didn't want it to happen. Each time though, it did happen, but at the friend's house, with his parents downstairs and everyone else in the room playing video games and waiting for their turn. I always fought against them, but since I knew them I could never scream. Since they always hid my clothes, I couldn't just grab them and leave. I was trapped and weak, watching them pretend to care as a shook with discuss and fought tears back. I did try having one of my try to be my brother calling me home, that made my ex only hide my phone somewhere I couldn't reach. I did eventually block them on everything and now avoid their streets. But I flinch at the touch of even a friend giving me a pat on the back. I have to laugh at the reflex to avoid the conversation, but I can't stand the guilt that I always knew my rapist and was/am terrified of telling. I know there is still the possibility of them turning everything on me or even the incidents going public and having everyone know. Of all the stories I've heard growing up, having the rapist be someone close was always the most unbelievable. Even after it happened to me, I can't bring myself to believe it. But I knew I had to let it out sometime. My cousin has a kid and has been to prison for molesting a child plenty of times, he's got most of what he deserved, plus I've moved since the last time I saw him. My ex and his friends just graduated high school and are starting college, having rape on their record would destroy them and me. I'm one to let karma do it's job on most occasions, and keeping these secrets away from the public means I have to rely on karma. I do see that as me being weak, but I don't think I could be one of the "stronger" victims and get them behind bars. I do also know telling could save others, I've seen enough Law and Order:SVU, but I don't have that kind of strength. But I do want to apologize in advance to anyone else who ends up in their path and hope they are stronger than me.