Just want to die. Keep looking at things and thinking "I'll do it that way". The only reason I don't do it is because I still believe that certain people care; but I'm starting to doubt that. I'm starting to think no one would care, and that I should just do it. I'm losing the fight in me. I have this horrible black fear inside me. It's a fear of loss. It's a fear of rejection, abandonment, loss, being left behind, being left alone... It's like it's been hiding all these years and all suddenly jumped on me at once. Everything's painful, no matter what. Every topic of conversation is painful; certain topics are worse than others because they make me wretch. The worst one is... so hard to say... but if I say it, it might get it out and help me. I've shut it away so long... The worst one is mother/baby stuff. Because my Mum's gone and she isn't coming back. I said it. I've cried and I've wretched and tonight is going to be the worst night ever and I don't think any one's around.