Hi everyone, Nice to meet you all. First of all I am reluctant to be here, as I feel like just one more burden for this forum, but I have had too much to deal with lately and I have no one to talk to, and I saw this forum and wondered if it could help me. I have talked with friends and relatives about my suicidal thoughts many times over the years, but every person I've talked to in the past either downplays my suffering or goes into denial or gets stressed and upset to learn that I am feeling this way. I am 30 years old now, and the only times I'm happy is when I'm able to forget what my troubles are. I cherish every first few seconds immediately after waking up, when I don't remember anything about my life and feel great. Then everything sinks in and its the same old crap as always... I am not an impulsive person and have never attempted suicide, and don't have any addictions, although I have been wondering if illegal drugs would give me any kind of relief... As for my troubles, I have more than I can manage. for starters, I'm a low energy person and can't both hold a full time job AND social life at the same time, so when I'm employed I'm either working, or asleep at home, or doing basic necessities of life, unable to do anything else. (I lived like this for several years nonstop, and it felt like being in jail). This alone makes dating a girl next to impossible (and it's not the only reason that stops me from doing it) making my life miserably lonely. Second, for more than a decade I have been working super hard to build up impressive job credentials so that I may be able to immigrate via employment sponsorship to a country worth living in, as I was born in Mexico, a cursed country where organized crime is an unstoppable force. It is also a curse in the sense that my nationality alone produces enormous stigma in the eyes of immigration officials of every country worth immigrating to. I graduated from a college in the USA, (and no, foreign students are not eligible for any financial aid, don't you worry) and have been extremely careful to never break a single immigration law. But I have had disappointment after disappointment, with deceitful immigration lawyers that have caused me to waste years worth of time and effort, not to mention many many thousands of dollars. During this time, immigration laws have changed constantly, especially after the financial meltdown that began in 2008, and made it harder and harder to immigrate until they finally made me completely ineligible unless I get a job offer in Canada first. Yes, I'm looking into Canada now, but I originally wanted to try moving to the USA, but people in my career simply aren't eligible to get work visas in that country, at least not since I graduated. Which wasn't the case when I first enrolled... Third, I have some major gender identity issues. Over the years I have found out that a huge part of my thoughts and desires are very feminine in nature, but I can't express any of them at all, because I'd just get crap thrown at me for not acting like a man. So, I don't. But it kills me inside, every day. Imagine a girl who loves being a girl suddenly get turned into a guy permanently, and being treated like crap if she doesn't act like a man from then on. That's how I feel. Nobody knows, because I don't show it, but that's what's really going on in my mind. I thought about a sex change, but all it would do is ruin my career and my employability, and I would never pass as a female, ever. I'd simply become a butt of jokes If I did. Now, I am not attracted to men at all, but that doesn't change anything (Gender identity and sexual orientation aren't necessarily tied together). Fourth, these same gender issues also make it impossible for me to enjoy dating, as girls who date guys of course expect masculinity. I tried it, and even though I was successful, I didn't enjoy it at all, because of course I had to act the way she expected me to, not the way I actually am. Fifth, I recently lost my beautiful car to a major flood while I was away from home. Both of my parents lost theirs too, and their house was flooded with 3' of water, destroying all the furniture and many treasured memories and important documents of mine. My mother just threw away all the stuff that got wet and didn't care how treasured or important it was to me. Seeing how my life is already miserable, this has pushed me over the edge lately. I don't want to live in a country (Mexico) where there is extreme corruption, where cartels and mafias are the real people in power, where police forces are completely infiltrated by crime, where anyone displaying even the slightest sign of wealth can get kidnapped for ransom, and where highly trained professional workers such as me make the same wage as a retail store clerk makes in any developed country. I don't want to live in a country where I will never be happy. I'd rather be dead. I am contemplating suicide, if I'm unable to find a job that will sponsor me as a skilled worker before my special visitor permit expires, a permit that I can't renew unless I get a professional job in mexico again and get a letter from said employer stating i am allowed time off, and prove that I have the money to go on vacation and convince them that I won't be looking for a job, etc... All restrictions that have been imposed on anyone wishing to visit Canada who was born in a cursed piece of land called Mexico. No, just a passport isn't enough for us. It used to, though... I don't know what you are all going to think about what I just wrote... I'm afraid of what responses I will get. =( Hopefully I didn't break any forum rules, I tried not to... And by the way, I have friends in the USA in Canada, and love both countries and their people.