Reluctant to be here...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by blinkingLED, Jun 27, 2013.

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  1. blinkingLED

    blinkingLED New Member

    Hi everyone,

    Nice to meet you all. First of all I am reluctant to be here, as I feel like just one more burden for this forum, but I have had too much to deal with lately and I have no one to talk to, and I saw this forum and wondered if it could help me. I have talked with friends and relatives about my suicidal thoughts many times over the years, but every person I've talked to in the past either downplays my suffering or goes into denial or gets stressed and upset to learn that I am feeling this way. I am 30 years old now, and the only times I'm happy is when I'm able to forget what my troubles are. I cherish every first few seconds immediately after waking up, when I don't remember anything about my life and feel great. Then everything sinks in and its the same old crap as always...

    I am not an impulsive person and have never attempted suicide, and don't have any addictions, although I have been wondering if illegal drugs would give me any kind of relief... As for my troubles, I have more than I can manage.

    for starters, I'm a low energy person and can't both hold a full time job AND social life at the same time, so when I'm employed I'm either working, or asleep at home, or doing basic necessities of life, unable to do anything else. (I lived like this for several years nonstop, and it felt like being in jail). This alone makes dating a girl next to impossible (and it's not the only reason that stops me from doing it) making my life miserably lonely.

    Second, for more than a decade I have been working super hard to build up impressive job credentials so that I may be able to immigrate via employment sponsorship to a country worth living in, as I was born in Mexico, a cursed country where organized crime is an unstoppable force. It is also a curse in the sense that my nationality alone produces enormous stigma in the eyes of immigration officials of every country worth immigrating to.

    I graduated from a college in the USA, (and no, foreign students are not eligible for any financial aid, don't you worry) and have been extremely careful to never break a single immigration law. But I have had disappointment after disappointment, with deceitful immigration lawyers that have caused me to waste years worth of time and effort, not to mention many many thousands of dollars. During this time, immigration laws have changed constantly, especially after the financial meltdown that began in 2008, and made it harder and harder to immigrate until they finally made me completely ineligible unless I get a job offer in Canada first. Yes, I'm looking into Canada now, but I originally wanted to try moving to the USA, but people in my career simply aren't eligible to get work visas in that country, at least not since I graduated. Which wasn't the case when I first enrolled...

    Third, I have some major gender identity issues. Over the years I have found out that a huge part of my thoughts and desires are very feminine in nature, but I can't express any of them at all, because I'd just get crap thrown at me for not acting like a man. So, I don't. But it kills me inside, every day. Imagine a girl who loves being a girl suddenly get turned into a guy permanently, and being treated like crap if she doesn't act like a man from then on. That's how I feel. Nobody knows, because I don't show it, but that's what's really going on in my mind. I thought about a sex change, but all it would do is ruin my career and my employability, and I would never pass as a female, ever. I'd simply become a butt of jokes If I did. Now, I am not attracted to men at all, but that doesn't change anything (Gender identity and sexual orientation aren't necessarily tied together).

    Fourth, these same gender issues also make it impossible for me to enjoy dating, as girls who date guys of course expect masculinity. I tried it, and even though I was successful, I didn't enjoy it at all, because of course I had to act the way she expected me to, not the way I actually am.

    Fifth, I recently lost my beautiful car to a major flood while I was away from home. Both of my parents lost theirs too, and their house was flooded with 3' of water, destroying all the furniture and many treasured memories and important documents of mine. My mother just threw away all the stuff that got wet and didn't care how treasured or important it was to me. Seeing how my life is already miserable, this has pushed me over the edge lately.

    I don't want to live in a country (Mexico) where there is extreme corruption, where cartels and mafias are the real people in power, where police forces are completely infiltrated by crime, where anyone displaying even the slightest sign of wealth can get kidnapped for ransom, and where highly trained professional workers such as me make the same wage as a retail store clerk makes in any developed country. I don't want to live in a country where I will never be happy. I'd rather be dead.

    I am contemplating suicide, if I'm unable to find a job that will sponsor me as a skilled worker before my special visitor permit expires, a permit that I can't renew unless I get a professional job in mexico again and get a letter from said employer stating i am allowed time off, and prove that I have the money to go on vacation and convince them that I won't be looking for a job, etc... All restrictions that have been imposed on anyone wishing to visit Canada who was born in a cursed piece of land called Mexico. No, just a passport isn't enough for us. It used to, though...

    I don't know what you are all going to think about what I just wrote... I'm afraid of what responses I will get. =( Hopefully I didn't break any forum rules, I tried not to... And by the way, I have friends in the USA in Canada, and love both countries and their people.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...clearly, you have overcome many obstacles and, although passive in nature, you are truly brave...please do not concern yourself about 'being a burden', as we are here for the reasons you posted, to provide a forum to be heard and express what is going on (as you agreed, within the guidelines)...please continue to post as I know some members who can relate to some of the struggles you have mentioned...welcome again
  3. Abanana

    Abanana Member

    Hey, we're all here for a reason (or reasons) and your shouldn't be downplayed or ignored, by you or others.

    All your reasons, piled together, are understandably overwhelming. The gender identity issues must be eating you alive - I know people going through what you are, and it's never easy, especially in an unaccepting society, without a liberal group of friends.

    I myself suffer from sexual abuse survival, and can commiserate in the sense that even the people I've told have downplayed it, ignored it, or just become very uncomfortable about it and seem to forget.

    I can't forget, and can't make the way it's changed me go away.

    I'll never be normal - if there is such a thing - but most importantly, it's stopped me from being able to have normal relationships with friends, boyfriends or family even.

    If you haven't already, exploring getting help - I hate therapy, but put up with it because I recognize I'm also medically depressed and need drugs.

    It's just that mine aren't working.

    Even when they do, though, I'm not NORMAL. Or happy. Or successful. Or even content.

    What I'm trying to say is I feel your pain.
  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi. First, welcome to sf. I am glad you are here. I am so sorry you cannot move to where you want to live. If living in Mexico feels terrible to you then it is very sad you cannot live where you choose. I wont get into my political views. Suffice to say, I hope you can find a way to be where you need to live. For as long as you want to live there

    As for the gender identiy "issues" I wish you could move to a place that has a good gbltq community. So you might be able to meet a woman who will love you for exactly who you are. And you can have friends who support and respect you for all aspects of who you are.

    In terms of online community, I really like it here. This community is run by people who have good hearts. In addition to coming here... which I hope you wil continue to do. Have you looked for an online community of people who also are dealing with gender identity issuies? So many people with those specific issues hide. But I would imgine there are online forums. It might help you to start to meet a community with whom you do not have to hide this very important part of who you are.

    Life can change for the better. I hope you can find a community, that is right for you in a country that is right for you. In the meantime, I am glad you are here. And by the way, it is not a burden to read your words. Please dont give up.
  5. razor2012

    razor2012 Active Member

    If you want to move to Canada, you shouldn't have a hard time finding something in Alberta. It's still booming here. The immigration rules have changed/are changing so temporary workers can have full citizenship after two years, I read this recently in the newspaper. It's quite a nice thing for someone that actually wants to live here. The job they give you might not be the best but if you put your time in, you'll be able to ascend to something which will afford you a decent life as minorities usually have more benefits in employment than the Canadians born here.
    As for myself, I have negative thoughts from time to time but usually get involved with something that's enough to keep me busy. I joined here a year ago after moving from Asia back to Canada and couldn't have been more depressed living here lol. One man's meat is another man's poison eh? Ya, well, I didn't have a job and spent a few years away and had to start from scratch again, but now I'm employed and set up so money isn't an issue, nor career, but life isn't a bed of roses in Canada either. It's pretty boring and conservative. Actually, getting kidnapped wouldn't be such a bad thing, a little excitement maybe? I don't really care what happens but I am planning on going back to Asia again haha. That's what keeps me going really. Kinda funny really. Anyway, if you need anything just send a message. Peace.
  6. blinkingLED

    blinkingLED New Member

    Thank you very much Sadeyes, Abanana, flowers, and razor2012 for your kind responses and supportive words.

    Oh god yes, that's exactly how it is... :( I do have a few coping mechanisms, which provide a minimum to keep me sane, although they're still poor replacements for the real thing of course, and they are also time-consuming, so I am only rarely able to use them. If I didn't need to work ever again, I would probably try to feminize my body, but I cannot afford to not work, especially in my 3rd-worldly country of origin.

    While I have never suffered sexual abuse, it is clearly a traumatizing thing, my heart goes out to you... I had an online friend who suffered from the same thing.

    I did look into it once, but I didn't join for one main reason: The problem was, I couldn't handle the grief/jealousy of seeing so many people there who transitioned with great success, having transitioned early enough in life, knowing full well I will never be one of them because I'm past an ideal age for that.

    I tried making a transgender friend once, but for some reason she was extremely moody (which I have read can be a side effect of hormone treatment), but I haven't come across any other potential TG friends since. But I'd love to try again, especially someone who is in my same situation of not being able to transition (for the various reasons described).

    I'm currently in Alberta. What I have found is this: Every job available that I've seen requires existing relevant experience, so I can't just take any job, it needs to be something I've done in the past. As an example, a bricklayer job requires experience in bricklaying. Temporary workers may be able to get permanent legal residence after two years (not citizenship though, that requires 5 years of legal residence first), but that implies that I could become a temporary worker to begin with. To do that, I would first need to find an employer willing to hire and sponsor me as a foreign worker, and willing to keep me around for long enough to be eligible for applying for permanent residence. Without a sponsoring employer, I can never become a temporary worker, and thus cannot get permanent residence. I still have hope to find a job before my visitor permit expires, but after that, I have no idea what I'll do...

    What. I don't know what kidnappings in asia are like, but you wouldnt want to get kidnapped in Mexico. In most cases, you and/or your parents would have to become penniless to pay the ransom, and you would still be killed anyway. In the best case, you will be freed, but you and/or your family will still suffer a life-changing, massive financial loss. You would also remain blindfolded and be beaten into submission regularly through the whole ordeal. And although sometimes the police manages to catch the kidnappers and free the victims, it remains rare. (Warning, some gruesome details about kidnappings follow in the next sentence): Some kidnappers cut fingers or ears off their victims, and mail these parts to the family as a way to pressure them to pay (see: mochaorejas). Also, many kidnappers who get caught are freed through extreme corruption in the courts (see: florence cassez).
  7. ub3

    ub3 Banned Member

    I identify with wanting to get away from you put it a cursed land ...the one major problem is that i take myself with me ...and the deep seated unhappiness i have in my soul will only manifest more fear and loathing just in a new envioroment....I hope im wrong.... and that moving away will solve the majority of your yearnings for freedom of self....I have no experience of the gender issue so to speak but i have always struggled with my sexuality and still aged 33 am not sure of my orientation but whereever i go i will take that uncertainty with me ...i have always envied Gay men who are out and proud and wish my sexuality was that simple but you can say for now i swing both ways and am Bi -sexual but am deeply ashamed of my homosexual side and generally keep it in the closet and by doing so have created more emotional and mental suffering as a result...I just wanted to commend you for your courage in reaching out by doing so you have taken one step towards the solution and not the problem...peace and light

    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 30, 2013
  8. razor2012

    razor2012 Active Member

    I misunderstood that, so you can obtain permanent residence. If you plan on staying here then it's almost the same thing anyway. I read you have to live here for 2 out of 5 years. A citizen can vote (whoopee) and obtain high level government jobs (again whoopee). No real benefit to being a full citizen unless you want to leave for longer periods without losing the permanent residency.
    No, I wouldn't want to get kidnapped for real. That's a pretty gruesome way to go. There are some evil people in the world.
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