Remember me?

Discussion in 'Poet's Corner' started by Dead Alive, Jul 27, 2008.

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  1. Dead Alive

    Dead Alive Active Member

    Remember me God? Remember those times so long ago...

    Remember me when I was eight? Remember when I cried my heart out as I sat in the crisp autumn leaves in the woods behind that school? I stared up at the intertwining branches and gazed at the warm rays of the September sun sparkling through the orange and red maple trees under the clear blue umbrella of sky? Remember God the tears I shed there... all alone... that was me God... alone... all alone back then.

    Remember God how many times I stood waiting on the playground staring down at the cold cement waiting... dreading... longing for the deed to end. Kids picking people to take sides for teams... I was always the last one picked... always the lowest outcast in school... the tears dripped in silence... no one saw them freeze on the snowy ground under me... no one but you...

    Remember me Lord God... when I drifted with dread from class to class in the third grade... waiting for my peers to scorn me... spit on me... steal from me... and hit me... the fear I felt when they waited for me to leave the building... the same six... waiting to beat the crap out of me every day after school. No one taught me how to fight... where was my dad when I needed him. I remember... I went home God... running home... out of fear of reprisals from the kids at school... to the safety of home... my fortress of protection from everyone around me.

    Lord God... remember how many times I hid in the basement behind all those clothes in the closet. I sat on that cold damp cement floor... eating ice cream or anything I could steal from the kitchen upstairs. Remember God how hungry I was... how my young hands would shake... so afraid I would get caught... wondering how I could get rid of the evidence.

    Remember God... do you remember me? Do you remember how no where I went was safe? Do you remember how I gulped down any food I got at the supper table? How fast I ate... and then ran back into the basement... to my dark shelter way down below. Do you remember God the screams that echo in my head night after night... the fighting the endless fighting? Do you remember the black eyes? The dad I needed to protect me was the same dad that punched me... remember Lord.... I was ten back then...

    Remember God when I had to go to school and hold that secret in... to protect the innocent... cause I was the bad person I deserved to get hit... remember how they told me how much You hated me?

    Remember how I hid alone across the street in the sewers.... fearful of the rats.... but more fearful of coming home... knowing that dad was waiting for me... pacing the floors like a lion... waiting for me... to walk in the door... remember that?

    Do you remember me Lord God when mom pulled me around the room by my hair? Do you remember how they screamed how they wish I was never born and didnt deserve to live.... I remember Lord...

    Do you remember God.... when mom ever nurtured me? Do you remember one time... just one time when she ever told me that she loved me? Do you remember one time when I was ever hugged? I don't Lord... I don't remember any times where I had fallen and anyone was there to help me get back up... where were you mom to put the bandaids on and kiss the pain and make it go away?

    You abandoned me... your first born son... both of you did... cause I was nothing to you but the sperm that ran down mom's leg right?

    Remember me God when I walked aimlessly down the lonely highways... with no where to go? Soo lost... with everywhere to go but no where to hide? I was in the sixth grade then.

    Remember Lord how I would sneak in the church while kids played outside... I hid there in the back pew in the shadows.... Lord I looked for you.... remember how I would gaze at the stained glass windows and listen to the sanctuary creak? So quiet... so safe... so lonely... so broken... you remember? Do your really remember? Or have you forgotten me?

    Remember God.... how many times I slept on the gravel beds under those freeway bridges down in Kentucky? Listening to the roar of tractor trailers over my head... staring out at all the stars... watching my breath drift and disappear... wondering where are you.... and yet the stars were so beautiful.... I was soo cold inside....

    Remember God the long journeys I made on my trusty steel steed... that ten speed bicycle? How many miles did I travel... where did I go? Lord I kept a diary remember? I rode over eight thousand miles.... remember all those bald tires I had? I rode and rode and rode... any where.... no where ... no place to go...

    Remember the cornfields... how I would close my eyes and sniff the air out in the farmlands... it was hot Lord... my skin salty... but I was free... no one could hurt me there could they God? I was 16 then.

    Remember God? Do you remember me? Well Lord... I am tired of asking.... but I will ask you again... you remember me now? I am going to be 46 in less than six months... I am still that kid Lord... my body ages... but I am still that kid Lord God... I hope you will remember me.... because I remember you.... you were with me throughout all those chapters in my life... giving me hope giving me a reason to hold on.

    Will you forget me.... and abandon me.... like the others? Will you condemn me when I kill myself? Guess I wont know the answer to that. I just wanted to say... I remember you... the question is... will you remember me?
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