Remembering Melissa Forever ... while struggling with my own depression

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by RememberingMelissaForever, Feb 9, 2012.

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  1. Hi to all here, I just found and joined this forum and here I am introducing myself and my situation. I'm not really sure if this will help, or how often/who will read anything here, but I wanted to give it a try. I also don't know if this is the right place for me, so please let me know if it is not.

    One of my good friends took her life in mid-November 2011, she was 23. She had bi-polar. I've suffered through depression, sometimes fairly severe, for nine years myself, and Melissa and I helped to support each other through the toughest times - though she always insisted on making sure I felt better before she did. I unfortunately had no idea the extent of her suffering until her first attempt in September. That in itself makes this hurt like nothing I could have ever imagined and I've been struggling more than ever to fight off the worst type of depression and the desire to go join her the past few months. On Monday, January 30, I was frighteningly close.

    I've been even closer friends with her father for over ten years (I met Melissa years after I knew him) which has made it even more difficult. He had become like the father I never had and I would also go to him when I wasn't feeling well and needed to talk. First I didn't know what to say to him, and now just recently he has (as one would expect) begun to withdraw and I can't talk to him anymore and hardly hear from him anymore when I used to be in communication with him several times a day, so it's almost like I've lost the two friends who cared about and respected me the most on top of permanently losing Melissa from our lives. Thus, increased struggles with my own depression with literally no one to talk to, no one left who respects how I feel or has any care to talk to me about it. Initially I was searching for ways to get recommendations on books or other resources that can help me (I've already been seeing a counselor for weeks), but perhaps this forum could help me other ways too.
     
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Welcome to SF. I'm sorry for your loss - that is so sad. I'm glad you found the site. You might find the Loved and Lost forum helpful as some members who have lost loved ones to suicide have posted there.

    Please keep fighting to stay alive...It seems that Melissa wanted that for you, and I do too. :hug:
     
  3. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    a warm welcome to you now. losing melissa and not able to talk to her dad now is one heck of a loss for you.. have had similar losses myself over hte years.. always going to hurt some but it can get a bit better with some help.. look around this website.. lots of forums,, chatrooms pretty busy to explore some.. i have struggled with severe depression forever.. mine is better some now with the help of some antidepressants.. if you have not explored the possiblities of meds yet, i hightly recommned giving it a try..

    glad to have you here with us now... any questions about stuff please just let us know.. tc, Jim
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun wow it is so hard hun when we lose someone to suicide She did not want to leave she just wanted her pain and sadness to end I do hope her father is recievieng help as well to cope through his loss. You not only loss a friend but a father figure I know the sadness is great and i am glad you are recieving therapy PLease keep an open conversation happening with your therapist about how you feel that way he or she can keep you safe okay if you get too low.
    You keep talking here you keep letting the pain and sadness out here okay because we do understand and we are good listeners You need to know that you are not alone okay in this battle you have a very caring group of people here now with you Pm me anytime okay hugs
     
  5. HollowRhythms

    HollowRhythms Well-Known Member

    Welcome.

    I'm so sorry for your loses, cuz you've even lost her dad at the moment, and i could see it feel like losing melissa again...
    I hope you find what you need here. there's wonderful people here, on the forums, on the chat... if you even want to speak to someone one and one, real time, the chats great for that....

    hope you find some support. :hug:

    feel free to private message me if you would like. just want you to have the option if you feel like you have no one to talk to

    ~amanda
     
  6. Thank you to all who have replied to my introduction. I'm not sure how much I'll be posting right now, it may just be at random times when I need it. I will likely use the chat at times too. What you have replied definitely helps to just think about right now. As for Melissa's father, it seems in the past couple days that I am able to "talk" to him, but not like I used to, not like I did when I was feeling down and needed a listening ear. Amanda, what you said about seeing it feeling like losing Melissa again, I didn't think about it like that as this is pretty recent but reading that made me cry - you're right, it really has.

    When Melissa and I supported ourselves through the most difficult times, I'm not sure we really knew how hard things were for each other. Like I said I didn't know of the extent of her suffering, and I really don't think she knew the extent of mine, though after her passing her father told me that he did tell her once and she was very sympathetic. As such, I really don't think she knew how much she really helped me, and how good of a friend she really was to me. And I have the greatest of regrets not ever telling her that, or how much she really meant to my life and my survival. And now she's gone, and I couldn't help keep her alive myself. :-( I want to bring her back so much.

    Nick
     
  7. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Hi - I offer my condolences for your losses.

    I'm sorry that Melissa's father has drawn away, or is not as open as he once had been. Some people say that the loss of a child is the most painful experience in the world. And that it was due to suicide compounds the pain. He is deeply grieving now, as you are. Grief may take many forms, and is completely unpredictable. I think maybe he's trying to get some space, maybe he feels the world has collapsed on him. It's not you, you may have very different needs in your grief. No two people grieve alike.

    You are in a safe place here. There are groups here to talk about loss and grieving (I found very helpful) as well as groups for other issues that compound issues that we already have. If you see a post you like, and want to talk directly, send a PM (private message). . Most often they will respond, and as soon as possible, but we can have different schedules. I've made friends that way, friends that send a note every day or two if they haven't heard from me.

    We care about each other, and try to offer support and encouragement. You can vent here, post nearly anything you want (see the FAQ) without being criticized. Read the entries, post or don't post, there is no requirement.

    I think you're due for some compassion and kindness, and we're especially good at both.
     
  8. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Firstly, my sincere condolences...most of the times, we do not have to express in words our caring...we show that by our actions...I am sure your friend's father is protecting himself from the memories your presence associates to him...we do the best we can, and sometimes that is at the cost of having to leave people behind...you and Melissa were so fortunate to have had each other, and now, to live in her memory, you can pay it forward when you have something to give another...until then, it is your turn to be supported and cared for...please continue to post here as you wish and know there are so many people here who have gone through tragic losses...welcome and I am so sorry about the reasons why you found us, but so glad you did
     
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