Remembering the missing ones at gatherings, occasions

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by 1Lefty, Dec 8, 2011.

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  1. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    A lot of you know I lost my wife. Why is it, especially at family gatherings or celebrations, that no one mentions her name or events that we were all a part of? It seems like I'm always the one that starts those conversations. Does everyone think that I've already forgotten that she's passed away, and that to acknowledge her is going to remind me that she's gone? I know that every minute of every day.

    At one time, she was the one to send out the cards, bring something special to gatherings, the first one who called with congratulations or sympathy. It hurts to think that she's not remembered or spoken of. She worked so hard and loved my family and friends so much. I feel like if I mention her,the reaction is "here he goes again" Other deceased relatives are spoken of, sometimes becoming one of those stories that get brought out at every occasion.

    Does that happen in anyone else's family?

    And if this belongs in the Rants section, please move it.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry noone wants to mention her hun It is at times like this we need to remember our loved ones I think they are afraid that it will bring to much sadness to the occasion perhaps Some are just uncomfortable talking about the ones that leave us I am glad you are here hun so you can talk about your wilf and remember all the memories and special occasions she help make so special hugs
  3. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry, Lefty... ((hugs)) I can see where this would be so painful and frustrating! Do you feel like they don't mention her because they are afraid that it will cause you more pain? If this is the case, are there one or two people in your family who you would feel comfortable talking to about this? I know it probably seems like oversimplifying, and please forgive me if this is the case. But I wonder if you did vent this to a couple family members, and let them know that you DO want her memory to be kept alive at family gatherings, maybe they could help support you (and honor your amazing, late wife) by doing just that. Perhaps if your family knew that keeping mum actually caused you more pain than hearing her mentioned, they would actually enjoy making those memories an important part of family gatherings. Whatever you decide to do, you know I'm here for you! Hugs and friendship...T :console:
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Some people are just morons, but excluding them for a minute, and presuming there are some good people amg the group, I am sure they do not know what to do.. As T said, maybe speaking to those who care about what you want would make it more comfortable for both them and you. I am sorry that you are going through this, especially during this difficult time of year
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Even our family has dropped my father from their conversations, if mum and I reminisce they turn the conversation.
    I think people find grief and loss hard to deal with and thereby, inadvertantly upset the bereaved.
    Carry on mentioning her, and hopefully they will get more comfortable with it.
  6. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    Most people just don't know how to handle death, and find it so difficult and even uncomfortable to talk about someone who has died. They worry about upsetting someone, or getting upset themselves. I imagine your family simply don't know how to include her, and don't realise that it upsets you that they don't.

    I am fortunate that my family do not have this problem and we all frequently reminise about those who have passed away. As Terry suggests, keep talking about her yourself and they will soon see that it doesn't upset you and that it's ok to talk about her.

  7. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    As suggested, I spoke with one of my sisters yesterday. I explained that it didn't cause me more pain (I already missed her being there) but it was good to have her remembered for good times and happy occasions, better than the darkness and depression I've been living in since.
  8. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    That's great, Lefty!!!! I'm really proud of you for being so brave! :) :hugs:
  9. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Glad you talked with your sister hun way to go maybe now things wont' feel so uncomfortable at the gatherings if they know they will not be upsetting you hugs
  10. SaraRose

    SaraRose Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry Lefty! :hug:

    I know what you mean. My mom died and it seems like no one ever talks about her in family gatherings. Even my aunt (her younger sister) doesn't talk about her. I think it's two different reasons. At least it's what I've noticed. One is they don't wanna remember that pain. Sometimes they still are in pain, this is why my aunt doesn't talk about mom. She still grieves that her sister is gone.

    Then there are others that don't bring it up in fear of hurting you. They may just not wanna have you relive that hurt so they kinda keep conversatons away. If this is the cause one good way is to randomly bring up a weird fact or something she did that they would know, like a memory. Like "Remember that one time..."

    But only if you can stand bringing up the memories. That's how at some family gatherings I have broken the ice about talking about mom. Sure it may hurt me to remember those things. But I wanna keep them.

    I know from experience about not wanting to hurt the person that lost someone. My uncle died about a year ago. And I still cannot bring up about him to my aunt or cousin just because I know how painful the hurt is for them. I've seen them hide the tears when something is brought up. I don't keep him out of my conversations because I don't care for him or for my aunt and cousin. But more because I DO care. I don't wanna see them hurt. And until they can bring him into a conversation without crying I will happily wait for them.
  11. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Good points, about trying to avoid bringing me pain. That makes sense. Thanks.
  12. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Hi -

    I think a lot of what people have said is very true. Its not just one reason for all people. I think raising her name and including her in your discussion topics with others will help them realize that its okay to talk about her, and that you actually want to.

    Take good care.
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