Remembering Who I Wanted To Be

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Forgotten_Man, Aug 4, 2011.

  1. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    So I have been reading The World Only God Knows.* I really liked the anime and no surprise I am really enjoying the manga... even if these first couple of chapters are just a recap of the anime.* Anyway, I probably should give this a rest when I am on a depression swing.* The main character in this manga is reminding me of who I once was, and in many ways wish to be again.
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    The main character of this manga calls himself the god of conquest.* He is basically a master of dating sim games.* He runs his own website and proclaims there is no girl that he cannot conquer.*** Through circumstances.... he ends up having to use these skills to capture real life girls... I put up the link a description is there.* Anyway, in this manga he will lapse into depressions.* Where he will just lose himself in games.
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    Basically he will just play games 24 hours a day, despite having to go to school.* Anyway, this is the kind of person I used to/want to be.* A person who can just deny reality.* Of course that is why this is a work of fiction.* I am coming as close as I can to this.* I am trying to run my own opinion based website on anime.* I do what I have to do to survive and support the site... but otherwise I wish I could just lock myself away again.* If I could dedicate my work day to watching anime.* I could probably put up my video game review site that I have been longing to do.
    *
    Anyway, I have been pretty hooked on making my site successful recently.* I have been doing my best to keep up with the... god 15 or so new animes that have come out for the summer season.* By dedicating myself to this.* I forget everything else that is going on in the world.* The only thing I tend to remember is my fitness.* Then I am back home watching anime and making improvements to my website.* I get so distracted I forget everything around me.* Even my lust... one thing that really drives me to depression.* Then I crash back down to reality when I realize what it would take to get me to the point of only watching anime.
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    When I look at it, there are two ways.* The easy way would be to win a three hundred million dollar lotto jackpot.* I could work for two more years and then quit my job.* Then I could move away.* I could buy a house in a semi-populated area and I could just isolate myself and throw myself into my work.* That is the safest way to do this.... then there is the other way.* I could put tons of effort into my site and start trying to gain ad revenue.* Then once I make enough to survive... I could quit my job and be full time anime critic... However, I would have to struggle to keep myself interesting.* It can be a challenge since my writters block comes and goes.* Some days I can write books.* Other days I can barely form sentences.* Given peoples ADD... well it becomes challenging to keep up with their demand for content.
    *
    If only I could lose myself in something like that.* However, it is hard to really dedicate myself to being a critic... I can only write so many opinions and reviews in one day... I can only watch anime for so long in one day, especially the REALLY bad ones.* Maybe that is my problem... I lack passion about anything... when I get frustrated I move onto something else... I don't know... maybe I should just kill myself... after all, in a few years most people would consider me dead anyway.
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    Why am I thinking so much?* Maybe I just need to get some sleep.* According to my sleep stats program I have accumulated almost 10 hours of sleep debt in the last month... in the past 3 months I have accumulated over 40 hours... and well the further I go back the more I have.* Granted I have so much to accomplish... it is hard to find time to sleep for 10 hours a day to start to make up the debt... I don't know... what is the point?* Maybe I can kill myself with exhaustion...
     
  2. roscho

    roscho Well-Known Member

    Ideally many people are able to cut back their main gig while they develop their passion gig. I know... much easier said than done often.

    Is something like that possible? Cut your main gig back by XX hours or XX days, take less money and recoup that while building your anime site.

    :)
     
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @roscho: My main gig has been cut back a lot compared to a year ago. Maybe I am just feeling fatigue. Right now I need my main gig until I at least pay off my credit cards and car.

    I also think it is my social anxiety acting up as well. I need to go out and start learning how to socialize. However, I am scared to do it. I don't know, I guess I might just be confused or something. If only I didn't have to sleep.