remind me why I am here.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by akaangela, Mar 22, 2009.

  1. akaangela

    akaangela Member

    Things have been bad. In fact it has been so bad I can't remember how it all started. I can't hardly stand up anymore. It feels like walking on grinding glass between my knees when I stand up. It hurts and it take a force of will to stand, because I KNOW it will hurt. If I just sit still it doesn't hurt. Walking is a joke. Without my walker I couldn't walk to my desk at work.

    It has been getting worse and worse.
    It started with me being tired all the time. I feel like I am walking through shoulder high mud.
    I have been missing work a lot because I cant breath. My asthma dr refused to treat me unless I paid my outstanding bill. Which of course I can't. So my asthma is getting worse and worse. I cant hardly breath when I getup. I can't walk any distance. I try not to let it show how bad it is, becuse my roommates worry about me and they can't do anything to help.

    I was driving home and then I was rearended, by a woman who doesn't have insurance. My fmla (federal meldical leave) was denied because I only went to a cryopracter and not an md.

    I thought it couldn't hardly get any worse I found out my 3 y.o service dog has elbow dysplasia.

    I feel like I just don't want to go on. It hurts to live. I am SO tired of hurting all the time. If I am not hurting I am so tired I can hardly keep my eyes open. I want to scream it is not fair, but I have to only show a good attidue towards every one. My body hurts, my spirit has had about all it can take, I want OUT!!! NO more! Why dose my life have to be hell?

    I have a hard time not laughing at people who say those who kill themselves go to hell. I am IN HELL right NOW! I am so tired,I want a way out and the only way out is more pain as far as I can see. I have to pretend that I have hope, but I don't.I have to pretend I am ok, I am not. I just got my renew of all my meds. I am going to do a search to see what the fatel dose of each is and then set up my martini. I am so close, hopefully the end will be soon and the pain will no longer plague me.
  2. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Can't your family help you out with finances, since it seems like that is preventing you from getting the things you need.