Remorse

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Biri Biri, Jun 30, 2013.

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  1. Biri Biri

    Biri Biri New Member

    I cannot continue living on like this, knowing what I've done to others, especially to my family. They didn't deserve it. Ever since I was born my mother was doing her best raising me, even through some really tough times, sometimes ever denying herself food, so that my sister and I wouldn't be hungry. All her life she had to struggle, but she never complained. She shielded me from everything bad that has had ever happened around me, always offering me her full support and truly unconditional love. Dad and her worked really hard to earn enough money to send to me to school abroad, so that I'd have more opportunities and to avoid the hardships which they had to put up with. Even with their hard work, the money would often be barely enough for both me to pay all my university and living fees and for them to pay all their bills back at home, so they meticulously looked to save money wherever they could. Mom still wares my old tracksuit around the house, owns only two pairs of shoes, but refuses to by a new pair, just so that she doesn't worry if won't be able to send me nearly all her monthly earnings so I could continue studying abroad. And I never truly cared. I was often even ashamed of them. I was ashamed to be seen in public with my parents, with my mom with her often worn out clothes and "ugly" haircut. I was always so self-absorbed I couldn't even notice what she had to put through to raise me. She centered her world around my sister and me, and I'd often push her aside, not even letting her hug me.
    For the last couple of years I've been constantly lying to them about what I've been truly doing while away from home. I've done hardly any studying, I've been spending my days in front of a computer screen, and I've been doing drugs. Sometimes I'd spend days without even leaving the apartment, absorbed into pointless activities. But my parents think I'm going really well, because I've been telling them that all the time. I couldn't even bother to contact them, even send a short message just to let them know how I've been doing. Even when I did, it was always pure lies, and they still aren't familiar with the real situation.
    Every time I've went back home, she would welcome me with tears in her eyes, and with a warm hug. I don't deserve such treatment, nor does she deserve what I've done to her. I don't deserve to live.
     
  2. Syn

    Syn Well-Known Member

    Growing up we never really understand what it is that our parents sacrifice for us, and I think everyone lies to their parents at one point or another (a lot of people I know lie to their parents about pretty much everything, as do I, so you're not alone there). It doesn't seem like you did anything wrong to me, you were just a kid same as anyone. Don't beat yourself up for what you see as past mistakes, because you can't change the past. That doesn't mean you couldn't show your gratitude now though, just tell them that you appreciate all that they've done for you, a heartfelt thank you could mean a lot to them, and it'd be a great way to give back (at least a little bit). Don't let yourself get stuck in the past, here and now is what really matters.
     
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