Repeat Protocol (A message from Speedy)

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by lostbutnotfound, Dec 13, 2011.

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  1. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member


    Speedy has asked me to post this message from him on here as he is on leave at the moment


    Dear my fellow friends,

    My negativity and self hatred is pulling me down. I feel like I am calculating, letting people down, and way too high-maintenance. I question everything I do, and it won't go away. Anything I say, I will rehash it later, again and again. Then, I behave like who I am: an immature, insincere fool trying to do anything I can do to make it more easily seen to myself that I had good intentions. It has been almost two months now where I am being affected more than anything by little things. I have changed and am in a different place now, and it seems I’m worse off as a person.That leads to me saying things best kept to myself, and then blaming myself and bringing myself down for my immaturity. It is eating away at my well-being. I can't think anything positive about myself. I have zero self-esteem, and I let what others think about me become truth. Why can't I grow up? I can hide my feelings and thoughts from people, but I can't fool myself. And now I feel like blaming myself for not trying to get better by working harder in counseling and being more open, not being a better person. Thinking miserably about the past is hard to avoid. Or is it easy, and I can't do it? Hello, depression and unhealthy thinking, the kind that turns others off. We meet again. Compliments are hard to take because I don't believe them. But I say thank you to be kind, although only negative comments are easy to believe and affect me a lot. I would like hope. Any input and encouragement would be absolutely wonderful. I come with a lot of baggage, and I have less than a week to go before I go on vacation with family, and I want to feel more relieved then. With this post, I'm doing what I can to relieve some of this on my mind, that which is always initially on my mind when I am given more time to reflect upon why I am not feeling well and being so immature. Letting it out and being heard, however selfish, is my only way to relieve some of the toxicity of myself temporarily so I can move on and work on myself with some peace. It's my last teenage year, and I'm putting up with my own crap. Growing pains or not, it is distressing, especially with my big mouth. I can shut up, but my mind can't. So it flows onto paper, not out of my mouth.

    When I'm feeling like I'm not a healthy presence in a place that discusses sensitive topics, then I need to take breaks. And I will continue to do so as needed. My actions won't be healthy for me if I don't take a break, and with a break others will not be affected unhealthily by me. It helped so much last time to take a break, and it felt like I was healthy and ready again but I or my mind was fooling myself. Reading my old journal entries told me how much more negative my thinking is nowadays. My own thinking is unhealthy for me, and why I let others read my thoughts sometimes is beyond me. I think there's a selfish desire with a promise of relief from being heard when I let things out in a place where another can read it. And in that way, I am dumping my baggage (and sometimes more) on others. It sounds so terrible, yet my self-control isn't strong enough to the point where I can put a stop to that. I am telling myself what a big mouth I have since I cannot refrain from posting publicly, and also I keep telling myself I'm selfish and immature. And oddly enough, I'm going to be telling myself that writing all of this was a defense to hide myself from my real self. But with this negativity on myself and more realistic reflection, I become more true… Because I have faults that I cannot figure out how to address by myself, and my way of thinking is self-destructive. Why do I care so much about how I come across or what others think of me? The easiest way to not think about those questions is to hide and isolate more, which is what I’m doing in a sense. That won’t get me anywhere, as those same issues are going to come back when I put a stop to this foolish crap. What do you think I can do for myself? Please don’t feel like I may have heard it before. If I have heard it before, it probably hasn’t sunk in. Thanks for reading and putting up with this. I think this is the first positive thing I have done for myself today. I went to sleep last night with this goal to let everything out on here and try to make some peace with myself. My situation right now is kind of like repeat protocol in the hospital – [as in no sitting with others at meals, having your own, isolated table with assignments during free time, not being with others except during group activities, not talking to other patients, etc.], except here I am punishing myself by taking away a dear hobby… to give myself adequate time for personal reflection. Looks like a week wasn't enough last time!

    On a more cheery note, I’ll be walking in Memphis on Christmas Day, but I’m in for a long December until then. I need to keep my head up, and opening up and writing this is a start. These songs’ moods helped me think while letting this out:

    “Walking in Memphis” and Marc Cohn

    “The Climb” and Miley Cyrus

    Take care out there, my friends. ~ grins ~ ((Hugs))

    From the child who is trying to cut it out with his un-dear pride,

    Sr Speedy del sur
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Sends hugs, love and Pea to Alex
  3. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    ((welling up all the love and hugs I can muster and shooting it love-bomb style to Alex))

    Alex, you do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself, and help you to see yourself as the sweet, wonderful person we all see. I relate so much to you in general, and what you're feeling right now is no exception. Sometimes we all need to take a break and focus on ourselves. Just know that we're all wishing you the very best while you're away, and when you're ready, we'll all be here for you.

    Sending love, hugs and friendship...T :hugtackles:
  4. Decode

    Decode Well-Known Member

    I hope you feel better soon.
  5. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Wishing you the best, Alex. I think you're being too hard on yourself. I know when I'm depressed, I'm very self-critical.

    You've always been positive and supportive to me.

    Take good care of yourself
  6. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Cat Lady Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter


    Gotta take care of yourself first.

    and btw I think you are too hard on yourself

    much love from Texas
  7. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Speedy has asked me to reply to the responses on this thread so far with:

    "Thanks for the encouraging words! ~ fist bump ~ "

  8. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    There will always be a place for you here...spend the time on yourself as you need to
  9. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    :hug: for Alex.
  10. houseofcards

    houseofcards Well-Known Member

    I know we used to be close as heck and have slowly started pulling away from eachother, but I still think of you the same way. You're such a smart, intelligent person with such a great future ahead of you. You just need to remember to put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then help others put theirs on. I know we may not be on an airplane, but that metaphor still applies no matter where you are. I hope while you're gone you take great care of yourself, because you deserve it.
  11. pancake111

    pancake111 Well-Known Member

    I hope your able to clear your mind. I think I need to do that myself. I hope you find yourself, and have a great Christmas :hugtackles:
  12. Sais

    Sais Well-Known Member

    Hope you will get better dear friend.
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