Repeating the same stupid patterns over and over

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by kittyD, Jun 12, 2008.

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  1. kittyD

    kittyD Well-Known Member

    I am so frustrated with myself right now, I have a huge problem that I keep repeating with finances. I have lost so much from this, homes I owned and rented, my credit is totally shot, and my nerves are stretched to the breaking point. And as much as I soul search about why I do this, I can't come up with an answer or stop doing it to myself. I have every intention of paying bills, and do sometimes succeed for a few months, but eventually I slip back to my old ways.
    Right now, I'm on assistance, and had made arrangements for my ent to be paid directly, thought that would take a huge burden off of me. But this month it got screwed up and there were so many deductions for this and that, that no money went to my landlord, my whole allotment for the month didn't even cover the rent. I got my deposit before my statement so didn't realize what had happened. So today I have to phone my landlord and talk to him about not having a chance of paying this months rent. I haven't been here long, so I hope I can get him to use my last months rent and waive that luxury when I move, or see if he will let me pay it off over a few months.
    I can't stand that I make myself so hopeless with this, and I've been doing it for years. If my ex hadn't covered our mortgage, we wouldn't have had homes, and even then I only paid the other bills at the shut off point. But I was working at a good paying job then, so I could always hold people off for a couple of weeks.
    I've worked with counsellors over this and can't seem to get to the bottom of why I do it and how to stop. but it gets so bad that I realize I've had this over my head every single month for the last 7 years on my own.
    I'd really appreciate hearing from others who've done this, and ways they've found of coping.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I did something similar to what you have described to make sure I felt an extreme amt of guilt and shame from something I knew I was doing, instead of my that I have begun to believe I need not feel ashamed of what was done to me, i have begun to resolve these problems...all the best, J
  3. kittyD

    kittyD Well-Known Member

    I've done so much work on my past, soul searching etc and cant' find anything. No abuse in my past, no logical reasons. I'm beginning to wonder if its a past life thing...
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I find myself doing that many times as well. For some reason I feel that if I cannot pay things in full, I don't pay them at all. Then I get further and further behind. I did at one time have everything under control. Then I slipped again and old habits took over. I know I simply have to start to rectify the situation because no one else will do it for me and I have way too much to lose. I guess if that means starting small, that is what I must do. Maybe if you set due dates for yourself that are ahead of the real dates and do not let yourself slip beyond them, you can get on track. You know the havoc it causes, so do what you can to relieve those stressors from your life.
  5. kittyD

    kittyD Well-Known Member

    I know what its like, at times if I had a 1000 and owed a 100, I'd have trouble paying that. I wondered if I felt that I needed to feel rescued, times I have others I haven't. Iknow I don't like taking responsibility for tangible things, feelings and emotions I'm great with, but real things....But now I'm in the position where there is no rescue in sight, I'm an only with both parents gone, few aunts/uncle non of whom I'd ask, few friends, would never ask my ex for that much; a bit here and there from him is ok. I keep thinking I've reached my crisis, my bottom::::but then I do it again.
  6. Yeah – it feels like self-sabotage. I KNOW! (Past life? Hmmm…who knows! You could have been a de’il-may-care rich land owner!) What I’ve long done is to write things that are DUE in red on my kitchen calendar…but balanced with “pleasant things” (such as meetings with support, groups, birthdays, other happy occasions) in green. And even if I could only pay the minimum – that’s all I would do – and then let it go in my thoughts. Also, it may sound like delusional thinking – and I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it – but there IS a fine art to “Robbing Peter to pay Paul” – so long as it doesn’t get out of hand (you can get pretty creative in emergencies – but again – not “advice”!!!) :blink:

    I also keep a running tally on my kitchen table of “how much I have/don’t have”. And I’m not very fond of automatic withdrawals personally (except for a few), as I’d rather do the math myself – not to mention that a lot of places up their withdrawals without notification. Also, you can get tallies/account balances – as well as your account activity - through phone banking (I don’t happen to like online stuff of that nature either)…
  7. kittyD

    kittyD Well-Known Member

    Now that sounds much more effective than stacking the unopened mail in the 'g file'.
    The dichotomy is that I'm so thrifty, hate paying full price for anything, will search for bargains and actually hate the mall crawl. But man I can spned it.
    I too, dislike paps, so just have the one which goes directly to my landlord, then my deposit is the rest. I try to never use debit either, don't like paying charges for it, withdrawals are bad enough. I have tried taking everything out, putting a weeks worth of money in enveopes and leaving them at home. Thank whomever that I knew enough to never get credit cards, even when I was young! My probs are just the daily living bills, utilities, fuel, groceries.
    I just hope if this is a past life thingy , that I thoroughly enjoyed myself then if i have to pay for it now.
    But I will take a stab at the calendar thing, maybe making the bills in green will help.
  8. Hey - whatever colours of the rainbow suit your fancy!

    Oh yeah - another thing is do (your large withdrawals reminded me) is that a lot of stores do "Cashback" - so I also make my large withdrawals from such places if the bank isn't nearby (depending on what their limit happens to be).

    :biggrin: It also pleases me greatly to know that except for that one withdrawal (which also saves on bank fees) - they can't track my spending - where, when, how, what I purchased, etc...cuz all the FREE INFO only helps THEM target their marketing towards me - and they gather all their (again free) STATS through tracking consumer spending (you think Air Miles, "Club Whatever Points" and such are given cuz they're nice guys?????:dry:)
  9. kittyD

    kittyD Well-Known Member

    yeah bib brother is not just the name of a reality show (one of my guilty pleasures). I fly as low under the radar as possible, if I didn't occassionally need some of the government services, I'd disappear on em!
  10. I am P-R-E-T-T-Y damned sure there's "A List" out there somewhere of "people they don't have enough information on"! :biggrin:

    (aside - did you know that even if you simply want to find out what they have on you - for instance Shopper's Drugmart - you have to PAY THEM for it??) :blink:
  11. kittyD

    kittyD Well-Known Member

    Just like the new 'efficient' drivers licenses coming out fallwinter with enough info to use as a passport.
    But then again,,,,we're on the biggest tracker they have right now, arent' we?
  12. HAha!!!

  13. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Also...when I get money, I pay myself first...make a deposit, however big or small for me, then I pay others...just my 2 sense, J...PS...I have been tempted to start making my own money, but then I realized, I probably wouldn't solve the problem
  14. kittyD

    kittyD Well-Known Member

    My parents tried to drill that into me. They grew up in the depression and I just found old bankbooks where sometimes they could only save 27 cents that week, but they did it. I didn't grow up well off, but I never heard my parents worrying about bills, everything was covered with a sensible amount for the proverbial rainy day. My mom wasn't all that great but after my dad died she certainly didn't blow money often. They taught me early on how to budget but its a lot easier when theres enough to cover everything!! I've robbed Peter to pay Paul so many times that they how have a new brother, Patrick, in my house. grin
    Please continue with your suggestions, I am taking them to heart.
  15. Well...a sense of humour can NEVER be a bad thing! :wink:

    I used to say that I'd robbed Peter to pay Paul so many times, that neither of them were speaking to me!

    (yeah - I had folks like that...on the other hand though, my dad was absolutely anal about balancing the checkbook to the penny, made forecasts of investment interest - compounded :blink: - and I inherited no such OCD!) :biggrin:
  16. kittyD

    kittyD Well-Known Member

    Yeah, my ex b-i-l's used to say there'd be no recession if they let me loose in the stores....doing my part to keep the economy going....

    My parents were the type that all the checks for bills were laid out, filled out ready for my da to sign at breakfast once a week. And while he wasn't anal about it, my mom had to know within reason what the balance was at any time.....

    I wonder if my kids will be any better, I grew up with those Scottish frugal types, my ex's family spent it before it was gone. Now he is the one with the cards under control, etc, but spends at the wrong times on the kids. My son tends to be like me...auctioneers his money away (going going gone) but so far my daughter hangs onto to it for a while then blows it on crap.....time will tell.
  17. Ach, aye -the Scots, with their short arms - and deep pockets! :biggrin:

    I'm really kinda PISSED actually...I used to be so damned GOOD at it (I saved enough to go to college for 2 years - since me da didn't want to waste anything on anyone bound to be a failure!)
  18. kittyD

    kittyD Well-Known Member

    Hah, that reminds me. Mine da would never agree to co-sign for a used car loan for me. What he did propose from then (18ish) until I got married.....was that if I saved up enough cash for half of a new car, he'd give me the cash for the rest. One of the surest bets in his life!
    BUT I never have had a brand new car, and never even had a car in my own name til almost 30 years later....I had keys and full use of both parents cars and my ex and I always had a couple of running cars besides the 'toys'. But none in my name, cause I was too stubborn.....
  19. Yeah - no new car till me and my ex bought one (and I've long since learned that they depreciate substantially immediately upon leaving the car lot!).

    Sweet of your da though! :biggrin:

    MY da, in one of his .02% nice-guy moments, would "offer" something, adding "Have I ever said NO??"

    (rhetorical) :dry:

    " actually dad..." :dry:

    Sure --- if you didn't mind submitting to the Spanish Inquisition (but not as much fun), and having every memory (like an elephant) of every mistake (of which there were countless) made by anyone in the fam damily (which only he was exclusive from) recounted to bring us all to the pits of despair and shame (which we so richy deserved) - Den der was No Problem, Mahn! :biggrin:
  20. kittyD

    kittyD Well-Known Member

    You slay me!

    Other than for the satisfaction of saying it was new, not many grab my attention enough to want one. I'm one of those redneck belles that would rather drive a hot older muscle car than the newest yuppiemobile. hahah. My ex was the one who drove the boring old pickup while I had the run of the sporty ones. I'm looking for one when my income tax makes it, and my ex is looking for me. he says, is it even worth looking at anything like a minivan or even a 4 dr? My son 17 yr old gearhead says, as if Dad, how old does she think she is today???
    My dad never had to do the inquisition. He could stop me by raising his eyebrow in another room.....sigh..
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