Hi, I don't know why I am writing this, maybe it helps me getting it written down or being able to be totally honest with a virtual someone who doesn't know me. Anyway, I have been on here before but to save you from re-reading all my crap!! Firstly my history. In 2006, I first recognised I was depressed. I sought help via my GP and was given meds to try and help. By Christmas 2006 I was self harming. At this point I was 22 and had never self harmed before, not in the typical ways or as self harm, maybe the alcohol intake was subconcious self harm and picking at wounds and things but it was never intentional. But it became intentional in 2006. Things got steadedly worse and I was refered to a social worker at my local hospital. I saw him a few times and felt that connected with him and things seemed to get better for a while. However, in 2007 I first made a suicide attempt. There was 2 half attempts to see if it would work and then a quite serious one where I took a massive od. My boyfriend at the time figured it out by going through my bag and finding emplty packets. Things seemed to calm down a while but come summer 2008 I was self harming by cutting on a much more regular basis and also it was a weekly occurance that I was taking overdoses, each week taking more and more and mixing drugs and alcohol. I was living on my own at this point and no one knew what was going on and I used to time it so that should what I wanted to happen, happen then it would be at least 4 days before anyone suspected anything of anything happening to me. But after a few weeks of this I managed to pull myself out of it and actually went to work in a psychiatric unit, which in some strange way helped me loads. I think it was not wanting to end up like on of the patients and seeing how they were treated with no compassion or care made me pull myself out of it. There was still the odd occasion of self harm and drinking to excess and becomming violent to my partner but things seemed to have calmed down. Last September my boyfriend of 8 years broke up with me and surprisingly I handled it really well. No major self harm, no suicide attempts, not sinking in to a bad depression again. I moved out of the house that we shared but then found a new method of self harm. Blood letting. I was able to obtain needles through work and I was putting these in to my veins to let the blood flow through them. I found quite a lot of release in this and was a regular occurance. I only realised recently that this is a known method of self harm and it can be quite dangerous. There was also an occasion in March where I drank far too much and then went on to try and hang myself in a alley in the centre of town. I was found and taken to the hospital. I was unconcious and I was told if I hadn't have been found I would have died. I felt quite let down by this on 2 accounts, one that I was found and didn't suceed and the other being that i was stupid as was unfair to put other people in the position of finding me etc. So I went travelling for 3 months on my own which was amazing and there was only one occasion where I self harmed by cutting but before it got too bad I managed to pull myself back from it. On returning home I seemed to have been ok. However, about a month ago I got too intoxicated again and I can't remember much of it but the hospital said they ran blood tests and they found high levels of benzo's in my blood which would indicate that I had taken a few diazepam with the alcohol. I can't remember doing so. But even since then I have felt really positive but then the other night I don't know what came over me and I took the rest of the diazepam I had in the house about 15 of them and also a load of my antidepressants. I was taken to hospital and can't remember much apart from being in the recus room and then being moved to a ward on monitors. I was in for 2 nights being monitored as my heart rate was very high. Although I have not had the feelings of being down so much before now (ok, so I was self harming by the blood letting but that was more for release) I now seem to have all of a sudden hit rock bottom again and I am worried that I will end up back at the stage I was 2 years ago. I am trying so hard not to self harm tonight. I did tell one friend about the blood letting method and she took my only needle I think as I can't find it anywhere. All I want to do now is make that cut. I don't think I want to die, not at the moment but it seems as though with me my pattern is starting off with the regular self harm and then it gets worse and worse until I do think about suicide. I am finding it odd that I feel like this as everything seems to be working out for me at the moment. I am enjoying being single, I have a good social life, I have good friends (they don't know the extent of my problems though as I don't want to burden them with it), I have just started on a course that I have been wanting to do for the past 2 years and have worked so hard to get on to this masters that I am actually quite proud of myself. Everything should be great, I should be feeling great, yet for some reason I don't. I am feeling very low and depressed again. It may sound weird but when I am low I smell this smell that isn't actually there. I don't know how common this is. And because of the career that I want to go in to I am worried that if I divulge too much information then it could impede my future career. The thing is at the moment I do want a future. I just don't want it to be like this. I know depression is one of those things that can just come and go whenever, but it totally disables me when I feel bad. I can't concentrate, I have no motivation, I get paranoia and anxiety attacks. Before now i have hidden in a wardrobe thinking that the person at the door was "the men in white coats". I have been in hospital (as a worker) on the psychiatric wards getting paranoid that I was patient and the doctor was there to assess me and not the patient I was chaperoning. So as you can probably tell I am getting quite worried. Tonight all i want to so is cut. I would let but can't find the needle. The only reason I moved on to blood letting was to minmize scaring and no one can tell you have done it as just looks like you have had a blood test. In fact I have already pretty much decided I am going to self harm tonight as I don't actually think I will be able to relax without being able to do so. If I had a reason to do it I could reason with myself but I don't. That's why I am feeling so frustrated and so low as I have no reason to be and it is driving mad. Is there anything I can do in the mean time other than contacting my GP as I already have done so today, she will refer me on somewher else but what can I do in the mean time.